To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

I would expect to be able to spend it on myself due to the compensation element - as in I was wronged therefore I want X out of it. But equally, if there was something the family needed then I would probably spend it on that. My partner would be encouraging me to spend it on whatever I wanted - but I would also view it as family money. My partner earns significantly more than me but we share money - but also I do extra work sometimes over the summer to earn about £1000 which he will tell me to buy something for myself out of and then the rest goes on the family

A woman's money is her money a man's family money?

I’m torn on this

I’m waiting for a pay out. Taking ages and Def not in the amounts of yours and was me that suffered and loss of earnings and in pain now etc

so I see it as my money - tho I’m now single and think would feel the same even if still married when /if get the payout

So you have 10 times the amount you thought you might get - from £20k to £200k ish as a guide

it’s a huge amount and compensation wise in a year or two of claiming

you say you have facial injuries so I would use that money to repair /help you if that’s what you want as well as any other injuries /stuff to make life more comfortable - hard to say without actually knowing what is wrong and what treatment you need

and tho you are financially stable as a couple and can pay the bills etc some should def be family money

so yes a nice holiday and treat kids and dh

maybe a chunk off mortgage as in the long run that will save money

you say you would use some on your hobby - which is paid for out of joint account now / so using it for that will save /benefit family income anyway

maybe I would do 25% to joint /family and 75% to you so going by your rough figures 50k joint and £150k into your account

tho remember if you ever get divorced you would lose it as all savings /assets shared

what wouid you spend £150k on

would else would you do with it ?

putting away for a rainy day /uni fees etc seems a bit boring and again I would want to use /enjoy some of that money

Sorry that was a bit long winded

Yes, I think this is where I am with the premise. The OP has clearly suffered something profound and the compensation is for that reason, and that alone. In sharing the money - or rather, even saying: just stick it in the pot; no big deal. It takes away from the fact that OP was injured. It becomes just like any other money.

Perhaps (more than likely) the OP has residual emotional trauma from the experience. This is why she wants the money to remain ‘hers’ and hers alone.

It’s complex and I think I get it.

There’s something more going on here that’s nothing to do with the money.

You might be suffering from
PTSD from the incident and the subsequent legal battle - that must have been so
emotionally overwhelming.

or it might be to do with the architecture of your marriage and your sacrifice. This may have triggered something in you.

id spend some time talking to a good friend or therapist about what might be going on..

I agree with this. It's compensation for something horrible that happened to @ImNotSharing. And as well as suffering the horrible thing, she did all the work to get the compensation when it sounds like the husband wouldn't have bothered. OP did he actually appreciate how horrible the thing was for you that led to the compensation payment? Because if not, then that's even more reason to say it's yours.

We are a share everything household but in a case like this - compensation for something traumatic - there would be no question it would belong to the individual. Some of that individual money may well benefit the whole family (a holiday for instance) but it absolutely needn't if OP has other uses for it.

I think this is good advice

Surely when you are married and have a family, this kind of "me" mentality takes a back seat?

You and your family are one and the same? So how is your own pot even different to the family pot, or the fact that you did the work different to your husband or family doing the work? You are meant to be a unit?

What a greedy and selfish post. I can't even respond properly because it's so infuriating.

Go and piss £200k up the wall. There you go, that's what you want to hear.

If you have joint money, then all money is joint. Why can’t you put it into the family pot and treat yourself.

That sort of makes sense, but surely in a family unit, it's all the same money anyway. If I got a large payout it wouldn't occur to me to keep it in an individual account because literally what is mine is also my husband's/ my family's - we're one and the same.

It doesn't mean it's not mine anymore - we are one, my family are the same thing as me!

Things that benefit them, benefit me, and vice versa.

There's no need to be rude and condescending.

OP has stated the money isn't being used to remedy those SIGNIFICANT injuries. It would be for a hobby & clothes.

The amount is in the region of £200k - it's a huge amount to ringfence for an individual in a family set up. Absolutely a decent portion of it should be used as the OP wishes - but the rest I think should be open to a conversation.

I would pay off the mortgage! Then you will have more in the pot to spend on your hobby and clothes anyway. It’s crazy to me that people would still pay a mortgage with interest if they didn’t need to.

I think if you keep this money you need to prepare yourself that your happy life and marriage may not be the same afterwards.

If my husband did this to me I would be devastated. I couldn’t look at him the same way again. We are a team where everything is shared. The successes are ours to celebrate and the failures are problems we overcome together. So my eyes when you have joint finances keeping this money is incredibly selfish.

We are waiting for some compensation money due to something that happened to my husband. It’s not a huge sum. I have told my DH to use an amount to get an item he has always wanted the rest will be family money. We are not rich and have debts to pay and will also save some for childrens future. My DH would never just spend all the money and watch his family go without. However he has suffered and I want him to be able to get something nice for himself.

It sounds like you are pretty wealthy and don’t need the money. That’s a very different circumstance. Without this money do you not feel you can spend family money on yourself?

Yes I think there is a trauma response impacting the OP's decision making here and she would benefit from therapy. It would be a shame if she fritters the money away and damages her relationship with her family and later wishes she'd made different decisions.

Agreed - and surely when you're married it is legally joint anyway.

It's only 50% OP's even if she wants it to be 100% hers, it's not.

That's not how marriage works and why would you even get married if you feel otherwise?

I don’t think you’ve mentioned what your husband thinks (unless I’ve missed it). What does he think?

If you are considering paying for kids for uni etc are there really things you would rather spend your money on than that ? I can’t separate how you can have different priorities for your money depending on the source of the money? But ultimately I’d have thought it was your decision how the money is spent but factoring in the views of your dh. it would all be joint here.

We're a separate finances household and I still couldn't imagine getting that much money as compensation and it not being shared... let alone if you have joint finances.
Your messages have really shocked/surprised me. Can you not keep a small percentage for yourself to treat yourself (£10-15k is still loads as a treat) and the rest can be family money?
If i was your husband I'm not sure I could get passsed you not wanting to spend it on a family holiday / paying off the mortgage etc or at least make joint decisions on it.

Yes, perhaps some psychological stuff going on from the incident, facial injuries, treatment etc.

Doesn’t justify pushing for ‘complete control’ of £150,000+ compensation. 10% would be reasonable.

I think when you are in a marriage where everything is shared and the marriage is strong, then there cannot be exceptions to this. It just does not make sense. If everything you have earned between you is joint, but one of you had earned far more, but is not quibbling about that, why quibble about this.
Yes, you went through the trauma and live with the consequences including subsequent court case which would have added to the trauma, but it would be naive to think that there was no impact or stress on the rest of the family through that period.
Sorry by I think that YABVU.
I think if you had something specific you wanted to spend a large sum of money on and you now have the money, just take to DH about that and explain what you want to use it for and why. To me it is the insistence that it is all yours to do with as you like ( which legally of course it is) which could end up changing the equilibrium of your marriage as you are changing the rules.

As above posters have mentioned, please consider reflecting on the emotional impact this incident has had on you and perhaps the hope that this money will somehow erase it or make it better. Is that why it feels so threatening for it to be “taken away”?

And I’m saying this kindly, be really careful about the impact not sharing it will have on your marriage which sounds in a really good place.

Keep 1k and give generously to your family by investing in them and your relationship with them. Take some joy from looking after the ones you love.

AI is interesting on legalities of this this in divorce cases, the final point does seem to support OP’s view:

Compensation for personal injury, is often categorized as a "financial resource," meaning the spouse is entitled to make a claim against it.……courts decide on a case-by-case basis.

If the injured party needs the compensation for specialized housing, care, or future security, the court is more likely to leave the majority of the award with them.

Portions of compensation meant for "pain and suffering" (solatium) are more likely to be ring-fenced.