To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

It's interesting that you say you'd have put a smaller amount in the pot. It feels like you've seen all the extra zeros and had a 'my precious' moment.

I've no doubt you've suffered, but surely paying your mortgage off is going to have a positive impact on your quality of life (and your family's) going forward?

Why don't you want to give your children an easier start in life?

You have the means to change the lives of those closest to you for the better, yet you're leaning the other way purely because...you don't think you should?

I read your OP and was 100% certain that you were being unreasonable. Then I read all your posts and have changed my mind. I can see where you are coming from and would likely feel the same to be honest. Giving a percentage to the family pot may be one way - to keep the peace with your DH and to avoid any resentment down the road as well as to acknowledge that he pays more into the family pot. However, you are the one who sustained the injuries - the money is yours and you should spend it how you like.

I was always the primary breadwinner in my family. I earned roughly twice what my husband did. All of our finances were joint, and all money that came into the house was shared.

If my husband had received compensation like this, I would want him to use some of it for something fun just for himself, but I would expect the lion's share would go in the joint pot. If he didn't want the money to be shared, I'd probably go along with the, but it would be the end of joint finances in our home. Everything would be 50/50 from then on.

OP most people don’t have any experience of these types of compensation claims or the incidents that lead to them, and I suspect that’s why so many are disagreeing with you. The fact that it is being described as a ‘windfall’ demonstrates the complete lack of understanding many people will have. To get that level of compensation the incident and impact on your life must have been devastating. I expect if you could choose you’d rather the incident hadn’t happened than have the money.

The way I would expect you to split it would be:
Damages for pain and suffering - your money
Any damages for human rights breaches/discrimination- your money
Future therapy/ treatment- your money
Past and future loss of earnings- family money
Past financial loss/expenses paid out of joint account - back in the joint account
Any aggravated damages - your money
Any exemplary damages - your money but these are punitive not compensatory so maybe consider putting into family

You will have had to put a huge amount of work into getting this settlement, not only time and effort but it will probably have taken a massive emotional toll as the claim was defended. I work in litigation and would be really sad if any of my clients felt they had to put money which is intended to compensate them for their suffering straight into a family pot.

I think if it was me personally, given the amount is so much more than you initially expected I might spend some of the pain and suffering damages on the children/add an extra lump sum to the joint account for a family holiday (as others have said your family will also have been emotionally impacted). But I completely understand your strong view that in principle that money is yours and you decide what to do with it. I do think the part that covers financial loss is different though and should be considered family money as above.

I can see why you would want to keep at least the majority. You have put so much work in to get it it sounds almost earnt if you think about the time and effort of meetings, research, paperwork. Then there's the emotional and physical toll of the incident, injuries, recovery.

When you were a SAHP, did your savings and pension take a hit, as well as your career? And then again if you had time off due to the injuries?

Well done in your tenacity OP. I hope once the money is in you are able to focus on recovering fully from what sound to have been very traumatic events prolonged by the other party's subsequent behaviour. I imagine it will take time to process and move on.

Another vote for paying off the mortgage. I can see keeping some back to pay for clothes. hobbies etc, but not the entire £150-200k. To me, that's a mind-blowing amount of money to spend entirely on oneself when one has a family to consider.

That said, it's difficult to say without knowing the exact circumstances of the accident (and by no means should OP feel compelled to say).

Yes you ensured he could work by being a SAHP but equally he ensured you could have that time with the children and presumably once they were at school, time at home.
It was clearly traumatic and you’ve worked hard to get the money. If you said you’d like to be the one to decide how the family was going to benefit, that’d be one thing. But your family aren’t figuring in this at all. It was interesting when someone asked you how you’d feel if it was your husband awhile got the money and you said you’d have to think about it.

I think it’s fine to keep some for yourself but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want your family to benefit from it!

It's crazy to keep £150-200k to yourself. You said you would've been happy to put 10k in the family pot, but you want to keep amount of money? I think it should be the other way around.

If it had been 10k, it would've been far more reasonable to keep it. Keep some out for yourself and the rest should be family money, especially since you say they have all been impacted too.

Quite possibly “we” wouldn’t have received anything if it had happened to him.

So it's not "family money" as he didn't assist in the claim?

You stated many times that it should be only for you because you did the work to get it. But that applies just as well to salaries and you are happy to treat those as family money including when the whole family was reliant on just your dh salary.

You’re married, making a life together, it’s ridiculous to keep such a large sum only for yourself. You’ve a good case for allocating some for your hobbies and fun money, a good case for putting it aside to not get eaten up by normal living costs. Not a good case for keeping all of it and stop expecting dh to pick up most of the day to day bills.

I’d definitely prioritize paying off the mortgage, personally, with some for a big holiday or similar. I would think about uni fees, that’s sensible, it can be a major drain on finances for a few years. I understand why you want to have some for yourself to enjoy but I find it selfish and unrealistic and foolish to want the whole amount allocated to your own personal fun money.

How about suggesting to dh that you put x amount towards the mortgage, another bit for some things you want immediately, and the rest in its own separate bank account that you can think about later?

You say you fought for this money yourself (which is commendable) - but this feels like a slippery slope to be honest. Your DH might argue he works harder to earn more. I know you raised children etc, but I think your attitude does muddy the waters. I think it should be family money, but that a significant proportion of it be allocated to what you want/ need - as a joint decision.

Hi op. Ordinarily this would be family money and I can't imagine a scenario currently where I wouldn't want my mortgage paid off, but I can see that you have been through something horrendous and this is more than money to you. It has another meaning that is far more emotional. You sound fierce and angry (you dont say what happened but probably rightly). Are you scarred, for example, and have to deal with this every second of your life, so its to compensate for that? All those things. I think without knowing the ins and outs people cant understand. I suspect that readers would be more sympathetic as there is more going on psychologically here.

I think since OP says she was expecting £10-15,000, it would be reasonable for her to earmark that figure for her own use. The rest should go towards something large like the mortgage. Not just put into the family pot to be frittered away on everyday expenses.

I would pay a big chunk off the mortgage (benefits the whole family) and also treat myself to something expensive I wanted.

We have a joint account and share everything.

I don't see why she would have medical fees. We have the NHS. And in a compensation claim, if you win, usually the lawyer's fees are covered by the other side.

But, quite obviously, it's not "just" because she did the work to get it, is it? It's mostly because of the significant injuries she SHE sustained. Plus the fight she went through to get the money, including the stress of going to court when they could have settled.

Sigh. The lone fight is part of it, but it's mainly for her SIGNIFICANT injuries.

Im with the OP on this. If I was raped or damaged by something and I did all the work and went through hospital pain, legal pain, court and all the rest it would be my money not family money.

Which is why any money needed specifically to deal with them, has been mostly universally accepted by everyone here as clearly to be for her to use for that purpose.

Irrelevant outside of this.

Well, if a person was left with facial scarring/injuries, they may want to pursue cosmetic/medical treatments over and above what is offered on the NHS. Not talking necessarily about the OP here, more generally.

Got to love some women - the old what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine ethos

he’s generous with money and paid all the bills whilst you were a STAHP - sounds like you had the time to do the claim

Agree 100%. And I'm 100% sure my husband would be shocked to think it should be treated in any other way.

I never understand these types of threads

OP - Aibu?
Most responses - yes actually you are
OP - argues with everyone about why they are wrong and you are right

Why even bother when you have clearly made up your mind? You say you wanted to know what people think, they’ve told you what they think and you’re still arguing

And I say this as someone who also received a large payout for compensation for injuries, and yes I did put it in the pot because DH has done the same when he’s received similar. Why would I not want to make both our lives easier if I had the chance

Yes, very good point about not having to rely on NHS waiting list. And as for fees, no you don't get everything covered.

I don't understand why it has to be all or nothing. Its a substantial amount. The OP says she wants to keep the money for her hobby and 'new clothes and stuff'.

So why not allocate 50% to the mortgage, 25% to DC uni fund and keep back 25%, which is still going to be tens of thousands of pounds, so a lot for anyone's hobbies and clothes.

Of course the OP is going to come back and say her hobby is power boat racing or something else where that amount of money isn't going to touch the sides.