To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Good grief. Why so virulent? What if OP was married to a woman? Had no children but a dependent parent? You do things for people you love because you love them. Not because of their sex or gender 🙄. People do things for their animals out of love fgs.

Yeah when the whataboutery starts I know the conversation is over. Goodnight.

Presumably it is compensation for something. It is meant to compensate you for whatever injury you have suffered. If it is something physical then you should use the money to make your life easier. Only if you don’t need it to actually compensate you for something that has happened ( in which case I can’t see why you have it in the first place) would I consider it family money as you call it.

This was your trauma.

Your journey.

You did the work for the compensation.

You feel the money is your reward for the above. By spending it on anyone but yourself do you feel you're diminishing why you received it?

Having read all your posts OP I think I agree with you that it should be (mostly) your money. I’d pay back into joint funds anything that you had to use to win the case but otherwise it’s for you to choose how to spend it. Having said that, I’d be booking a holiday for all the family.

I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to pay off the mortgage and take the financial pressure off everyone. You say you’re a team and your husband pays more than 50% of bills based on his income, I don’t think you can argue that this continues and you keep all the money for yourself. No doubt your family have supported you through what sounds like a horrible experience and court case, to me “the team” wins and not you in isolation.

Oh, I would treat everyone to a holiday, for sure.

I actually get what you mean.

For example, private health insurance: if it's me and a claim is denied, I phone, I fight, I argue, I prove them wrong, it's long and arduous and most of the time they pay back.
If it were partner, he'd say "oh well, it's not covered" and wouldn't get a penny back.

But I also see how this cold be seen as family money since most expenses are covered by joint account and that you're not lacking thanks to his salary. I get that you sacrificed for his ability to get more money, but that's less visible, and not reversible. Whereas him considering his money his cold be a thing (I'm cynical about those things).

I'd at you're right in wanting to split it. I'd pay back the expenses, and with what is left I would do 1/3 for the family 2/3 for me, or vice versa. Peace of mind and everybody gets a piece.

And her husband does the work for the compensation he receives. That is literally what pay is.

He shares his compensation, as did @ImNotSharing until she got a large windfall. Up until this point money has been family money, and I'd guess family money was used for the medical tests and legal fees, as well as any reduced earning over the complaint time. But now there is a large amount coming in, somehow the concept of family money is going out the door. At which point, as the husband, I'd take pooled money off the table and expect everything to be 50/50 with me retaining any excess for my own use. You can't have it both ways.

As her husband I'd be so disappointed that I'd been working to provide for my family and when my wife had the opportunity to make a significant contribution, she chose not to. By all means max out her pension etc to get that on equal footing with her husband - again that benefits everyone in retirement. But to, what sounds like, waste it on clothes and a hobby, I couldn't look at her the same.

Gender has nothing to do with the point I am trying to make and that you keep on missing. I'm trying to get across that its not a matter of compensation being used to benefit a parent OR a child. A child benefitting from something does not ALWAYS come at a commensurate cost to a parent.

You said: "...my concept of love just happens to include myself as well as others."

Demonstrating love for others doesn't mean that you don't love yourself. These things are not mutually exclusive.

To speak directly to this example, you keep insisting that EITHER the child or the parent benefits - that putting money aside for OPs children's future does not benefit OP in any way. You are saying it can only cost the OP and this is emphatically not how a healthy parent-child relationship works. Why do you think parents ever try and provide for their children's future? Because they love them and choosing to do things for people you love usually feels good (which is a benefit).

This. Fine to use some for personal enjoyment but I can’t imagine having the ability to pay off the mortgage and deciding to just buy clothes instead.

My DH would never do that to me nor would I do that to him. Pay the mortgage off, free up that monthly payment and use that extra money for clothes, hobby, etc.

But that's a bit like him saying "I went to work and earned this money, therefore it's my money to do as I please". If you have joint finances, and he paid the bills when you were a SAHP, I think it's a bit unfair to turn around and claim this is your money. If you were a SAHP who contributed to the bills from your own savings, then it would be a different matter.

If he ever gets spare or extra money does he share it? Whenever my DH gets a bonus we both get a set amount and the rest goes into the family savings. He is the one who decides how much we each get for spending money, but we both get the same amount. So in my case, regardless how much work I put into getting the settlement, I would consider it family money.

It is interesting how viewpoints change based on where the money came from. At the end of the day, money is money and where it came from doesn’t really matter. It’s one thing if OP was using the money for medical care that she would otherwise be unable to pay for but she’s made it clear that isn’t the case.

OP could treat herself to new clothing, spend some on her hobby and still be able to pay down the mortgage or put some in a trust for her children.

I think the all or nothing approach is the wrong viewpoint. There’s enough for OP to use for enjoyment and enough to contribute to her household.

If it was me, I would consider this to be family money.

I would be shocked if my DH was going to receive a significant amount of money that could benefit our whole family, then chose to spend it on himself. I’d consider that to be a very selfish action, even if we were as comfortable as you describe you are. I’d definitely be looking at him sideways as he wouldn’t be the person I thought he was.

Even though 99% of the time when people say, “It’s not about the money” it IS about the money, I think this is one of the rare occasions when it actually isn’t.

I think it speaks to how the OP is unhappy, doesn’t feel as though her struggles have been sufficiently acknowledged or appreciated by her family. Keeping the money to herself underscores that her struggles were actually a HUGE deal and look, here’s a HUGE payment that proves it.

She doesn’t want to spend it on stuff, she’s not wanting to leave her husband, they are financially comfortable but she wants it as material proof of how much she suffered.

I think most people who are content would use it to improve the comfort of their day-to-day life and help their children but if the OP feels her family don’t fully understand what happened to her it sort of makes sense she doesn’t want to give it to them.

I've read the rest of your posts. I think the fair and reasonable thing to do would be to say "we've got this £200k compensation for my injuries. I would like us both the have £20k each that is our own money to spend on ourselves with no questions asked or judgement. The rest goes into savings/pays off the mortgage/goes on a holiday/whatever you decide is your priority".

That's a fair way for you to have money to spend on your hobby or whatever whilst also sharing the compensation with your DH and family.

This happened to me. It was family money. Our finances are joint.

Same with bonuses I've earned, and inheritance I've received.

And in my case, I was/am the primary earner, too.

I find this utterly astonishing and selfish. I literally can’t imagine how anyone can take this position and still feel OK about themself.

And, to be clear, I would feel exactly the same way if you were a man.

Genuinely wicked, marriage-ending selfishness.

When you were a SAHP, he did 'all the work' to earn his salary but you no doubt expected it shared?

I think it's pretty poor that you want to hoard this money for yourself while you were happy to share the money he worked for when you were a SAHP.

I don't really understand this defensiveness. Why ask strangers? It's none of our business.

If your husband and kids are happy with the situation, what's the problem?

If they're not, that's not something Mumsnet posters can sort out for you.

You've presumably told them that the joint funds policy doesn't apply in the case of this money, for the reasons you've outlined here. If they don't think that's fair, it may be a source of friction into the future. But that's something you'll have to deal with, or try to ignore, as you see fit.

100%

My husband got some compensation from an injury last year.He took me on an amazing month long holiday, paid a chunk off the mortgage and gave our son money towards a car. If he had hoarded it all like gollum I would have wondered what the fuck was wrong with him.

My husband and I are a team. If I got a huge payment we would discuss how it is spent. Im really sorry but you sound very selfish. I do understand that you fought for the money but honestly it would be selfish to use it all on yourself.

This. Honestly it would be marriage ending for me. To think my spouse would have a win and not share is just in no way able to be justified.