To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

I think it would be fair to tell your husband that you’re feeling a bit emotional/possessive about the money because of the circumstances and that you want to put it in your account and sit on it for a while. That’s a completely reasonable request that will allow you to process the feelings that the conclusion of this has clearly brought about and take the pressure off.

Personally I understand why you feel like it’s yours and you want to keep it. In practice I do think it will be difficult to keep it fully separate with a husband and children involved.

But you’re considering all of this from the POV of not having gone through the trauma that the OP has faced. Posters are viewing this like it’s a lottery win. It isn’t. It’s compensation. I’d be utterly livid if anyone tried to tell me what to do with money awarded to me due to medical negligence. Is nothing sacred? Can a woman not have anything to herself? Not even her own compensation?

It depends on what interest rate the mortgage is. If it's low, and if we're talking about how best to make money work for you, she might be better off investing it, if she didn't intend to use the money for 10-15-20 years. The stock market returns are usually higher over the long run than the interest rate you pay on most mortgages.

It’s genuinely terrifying to me. And just shows how far the feminist movement has left to go. A woman can’t even keep her own compensation without being called selfish.

Yes of course. But Op said she wants to spend it on clothes and hobbies.

From what I saw she said she's not using it for medical or treatment.
I fail to see why the thread was started. She'd made up her mind and was hoping she'd get a resounding backing here.
The minority thinks she is not being selfish saying should keep it all to herself forgetting when her husband was supporting the family himself.

Most people can see through it.. Just a small number siding with the OP have shown their colours here.
Hope the husband comes across the thread and leaves her by herself with her funds.. Just like it sounds like she wants... Funny how this like most things on mumsnet has become a woman vs man thing too. Like how dare he take any of this woman's money, but if it was him he best share!!! I'd love to have seen the response if this was a man asking.
The old mumsnet double standards.

Money destroys so many relationships and causes fighrs etc... Here is a perfect example.

(No need to reply, you're part of the minority and we are not going to agree, in fact the opposite, actually judging those defending this than I am the selfosh beast herself).

I totally agree. It seems that there is no level of sacrifice that's enough for women.

OP wouldn't be able to be called selfish for having her whole compensation if she was single. But if women DON'T marry and have kids, they're called selfish for that, too!

Women can't flagellate themselves enough for most people in this world.

You are talking about parenting in such a zero-sum way that it makes me think you are not able to relate to the concept of love - to say something like a child's happiness has nothing to do with a parent's happiness is absolutely bizarre.

Don't tell me whether to reply or not.

When I said the money is for her injuries, I didn't mean literally for her injuries, as you know. The money is for having SUFFERED her injuries.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I think some of it is the good old-fashioned green monster. Which makes no sense, because OP was badly injured, but lots of people go really funny about money.

And while the husband was supporting the family, OP gave up her earnings to raise said family, otherwise husband would have had to pay for nannies, housekeeper, cook, etc.

How on earth is this a feminist issue?! Are the women here saying they would rather spend on their loved ones (guessing mostly husbands and children) anti-feminist? This has got nothing to do with OP being a woman fgs. What if she were married to a woman?!

It’s not a man versus woman thing. I just think that anybody who has been awarded compensation for injuries sustained has a right to use that compensation money as they see fit. It’s not earnings or a lottery win or even an inheritance. It’s compensation for that individual.

The emotionally intelligent thing to do here is to find a compromise. Where you keep a considerable sum for yourself and put some money into the family pot. The danger of not compromising is that it causes long-term resentment from your husband who is a good provider

The unending sacrifice and self flagellation certainly is a feminist issue.

Guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be demanding it be family money. I find your attitude selfish and self righteous. Pathetic

Let me guess: I’m not a real woman in your eyes? Unfortunately for you my concept of love just happens to include myself as well as others. But by all means feel free to keep claiming I’ve said things I haven’t if it helps you.

Yes, I think people are not using their imaginations enough to really consider what it's like to go through what OP did.

Oh and I’m a woman married to a woman and I don’t see an issue with the OP’s approach and wouldn’t have an issue with my wife doing the same in such circumstances - so what does that make me?

Anyway, all the people saying it's family money are factually wrong. It's OP's money, meant to compensate HER, for HER injuries.

Because everything is transactional. It’s all for services rendered. It’s so depressing.

Choosing to do something beneficial and/or fun for the people you love is neither a sacrifice nor self-flagellation. In fact you could say it’s the ultimate expression of selfishness.

Having no choice in the matter because you’re a woman, or doing these things because someone is telling you that you must because you’re a wife or mother, is a different matter.

You sound incredibly self centred. I’ve no doubt if this was your DH’s he would have been expected to use it to benefit the family. Madness you’d spend it on yourself when your DH was the only income for many years whilst you stayed at home until secondary. Instead of allowing the mortgage to be finished earlier and him to take the peddle off or help your DC with a deposit in this tough climate - you want to spend it on your hobby.

Read all the comments. We have heard why you think you can justify it, but still think you’re wrong. I wouldn’t dream on spending it all on myself, and neither would my tight ex, he would use it to benefit our DC.

Then it should be family money.

Which is literally what’s happening on this thread. Telling a woman who has been awarded compensation due to trauma that she should gift it to her children for X, Y, Z is a disgusting thing to say. Why do women not matter? The OP can’t even centre herself in her own recovery from trauma. Give, give, give until there’s nothing left, ladies!

You don’t speak for me so stop with the “we” business.

Ok majority.