To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

My mum was in this position, Dsis and I were adults by then. A small amount to each of us, the rest went into the pot for both mum and dad.

Its family money over here.

Again, yes, it is totally unreasonable and goes against everything I believe as regards my own children.

I believe, emphatically, that you need help. I'm not saying that to be mean. I really believe it.

Yeah, it’s additional money that’s not needed. I think it’s fine to say I’m spending some on clothes and hobby. Your DH could buy himself some new clothes too. Etc. I don’t know why even if it is family money, that it needs to be saved for kids

I would be so, so hurt if my husband thought like this. Of course you should have the rehab and plastic surgery and therapy and whatever else you need, but nothing - good or bad - happens in a vacuum in our home and everything that affects one of us affects us all. We all contribute what we can, we all cost what we need and we figure it out together.

I think in your situation, demanding separate finances will come back to haunt you. How will you make decisions about anything now if your husband can also ring fence his salary or his clothing budget or whatever else he chooses as it’s not yours. It’s not how your lives or your money has ever worked by the sound of it so this seems a sad way to proceed.

I would personally put it all together and set aside the 20K you expected for your own well being needs. And pay off the mortgage and give yourselves a lifetime gift.

So she did that purely for her DH then? The point is that finances are either joint or they’re not. OP wants them to be joint when it benefits her, but not when it doesn’t. It’s remarkably selfish.

I don’t think the OP should spend her compensation money on her children either. Compensation is different. Her children have not suffered, she has. It sounds like she has received significant injuries. I wouldn’t be happy with my injuries “paying” for my children’s future. I’d want my compensation to benefit me.

I am honestly heading to bed, but I will catch up on the comments in the morning. Thanks to the posters who have given me food for thought.

Your husband sounds like he could do with running away. Wife getting a 6 figure payout that the household won’t see a drop of? Horrendously selfish.
at least you’d get it all to yourself if he did though, eh?

I’m wondering about this too. OP do you now plan to pay 50/50 on all household/family costs going forward? And if not, why not?

She doesn't exist in a vacuum from her children. They will have suffered emotionally too.

Why wouldn't you want to help set your children up for life with this money? It's so alien to me to want to spend 200k on clothes and hobbies for just me.

So, what’s his is yours and what’s yours is yours???

i think it really is family money: it would be different if you had separate finances, or you were paying medical expenses. But you’re not. And he has financially supported you while you were a SAHM.

Why are you thinking in terms of all or nothing? You were vaguely thinking 10-20k. You got 10x this.

Why don't you earmark 10% purely for you. The rest to be joint...but with you having a steer on where that joint goes (dso not just to get sucked into the mortgage)

There is no situation where I would come by 200,000 and genuinely not want to spend a single cent on anyone else other than myself. There is enough money there for OP to treat herself, be compensated for her loss of earnings, treat her children, and add to the family pot. With that amount of money, all of the above can be done! To want to keep it all for oneself is selfishness!

Yup I don’t even know how it would it be possible to spend that. If I go on a shopping spree I’d love to take my girls with me too.

Id be right let’s all go to Australia on a fancy holiday. Let’s do Disney in a top range hotel.

Let’s pay off the mortgage so we are all secure for the future. Let’s put some money aside for my kids driving lessons and cars.

How can anyone spend a life changing amount on clothes ?!

YANBU

Keep it. As you said, YOU are the one who suffered the injuries, YOU are the one who suffered the trauma, YOU are the one who worked tirelessly to get awarded the compensation.

You have also suffered significant income loss, so you should keep it and invest it wisely, some into a pension, some into safe investments, high interest ISAs, Premium Bonds etc.

As we're talking £150-200K here, I do think making an overpayment off the mortgage capital would be good though, check your terms but you might be allowed to make up to a 10% overpayment. I'd do that as your contribution to family money.

I know if my DH had suffered injuries and trauma, I would not expect his compensation to go towards the mundane family pot. I wouldn't be amused at him frittering away a 6 figure sum on precious little or crap though. I'd want it to be used/invested wisely, but DH & I have our heads screwed on financially, so I know for a fact he wouldn't waste it.

Your responses seem a little strange. If the sum is around the £150k mark, what do you want to spend it on? You don't seem to have medical bills associated with your injury. If you go down the 'I earned it' route, so could your DH with his salary. You mentioned hobby and clothes, which seems a bit daft considering your hobby is already funded out of the family pot and to spend it on clothes, well, just why?

Would you be happy with a third of the payout earmarked for you and the rest in the family pot? I come at this from a pisition of having no idea what I'd spend that sort of money on, all to myself, when I have a family it would benefit immensely.

First of all I am sorry and incident / event happened to you and hope you’re ok

I am a little confused around your motivation for wanting it to be fully yours (as an individual) seemingly vs securing your (family unit) stability? That’s just how to optimise the present vs future value of money?
i kind of get that you want a reward (? clumsy word) for doing the paperwork as well as suffering the incident .. but is there a middle ground of 10-20% as your own and the rest to sort out your mortgage and financial future, pensions if you have not worked for a while etc …

Do some calculations around how your savings vs house principal draw down can be optimised.

I agree with PP that if part of the compensation is for lost wages this goes into the family pot.

Then I think OP deserves to spend what she wishes on herself to compensate for the injury - be it physical, mental, aesthetic, whatever she needs.

If theres anything leftover I would invest it or plonk it in an offset account so the family benefits.

I don’t really think it’s one or the other. Compensation is usually made up of multiple components. OP won because she personally injured. But I don’t think you can discount that OP was able to go through the process with the financial support of her DH.

How about keeping the total of that amount you expected and adding the rest to the combined pot

Op I really don't think your coming across very well. You do sound rather selfish. I just wouldn't do this to my husband, I honestly couldn't. We're a team and I'd share it with him.

If it's in the region of 200k and you only ever expected 20k- why not take the 20k and spend it on your hobby and then another 20 and be a bit frivolous and treat yourself after what sounds like a awful ordeal that you've had. Use a good whack to pay off the mortgage to make you and your husbands life easier, then maybe a lovely family holiday so you can all chill. You'd still have a nice amount left even after all that!

Honestly I'd be concerned if you insist its all your money, that it will honestly put a wedge in you marriage. If my husband done this to me, id see it as he didn't really think much of me or us as a couple and I'd truly have to reconsider if I could stay married to someone who I saw as being really selfish.

Is there any chance that you will have further medical needs arising from the injuries? If so you need some put aside.
For us it would be a bit false to say it was mine because things for my hobby would otherwise not have been bought or would have come from family money so there would now be more family money available for other things.
The only things we have had as individual pots have been inheritances, this reflects the position if we divorced. I enjoy having that pot (not huge) as it is a stand by if any of us need something urgently. I am as likely to spend it on my children or grandchildren as I am on myself.
Is there any element in this of wanting control because you don’t have it in other areas?

She doesn't 'owe' her DH for financial services rendered whilst she was birthing, feeding, and raising their joint babies. Just as I don't 'owe' my DH for the same, they are our joint children which someone had to raise, and of course the person who raised them lost significant salary loss in doing so. Yet you think she should be grateful that he paid the bills whilst she was 'only' being a parent?

I know you didn't specifically state those things, but that's what's implied.

Compensation claims usually take many years of expert reports and mitigation. I
wonder what catastrophic injuries you had to get such a large settlement in such a short space of time.

Ooh gosh what a conundrum. I think honestly I would put some in the family pot, spend some on a family treat for everyone and keep the rest for myself. I'm pretty sure my husband would.agree with that and he'd do the same. He wouldn't demand that i share it though and vice versa. I think both of us would struggle to think of things to spend that much just for ourselves.

So you have seen the vote, the vast majority think YABU.

Will you share it or are you still going to keep it for yourself?