To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

There is absolutely no difference between this, and any other money you get. Your family isnt doing your work, and isn't getting paid your wages. It is effectively identical (if you are, or were working - if not at all and havent been then I would be curious what you are even then comparing to make a distinction between)

Same.
One big pot here.
Unless it was going directly to what I was compensated for.

I received a 6 figure compensation amount back in 2007 and it became the deposit for our first home. I don't see the point in not putting it into the pot to benefit the family. The whole it's my claim etc sounds a bit petulant and selfish really when you are part of a family unit.

If it was loss of earnings then you surely would have been sharing it along the way if you earned it. Whys it different in a lump sum.

It’s not selfish if it’s compensation for medical malpractice or negligence though. The OP may decide to have surgery or might need ongoing treatment that she doesn’t want to wait to do on the NHS. This is compensation not a lottery win. £200k won’t go far if that is the case.

She had significant facial injuries.

He DH does not have significant facial injuries, so why does he think he's owed the money (that he advised his wife against fighting for)?

That said, I think OP not wanting to spend a single penny on her kids/uni fund/mortgage is very weird. I won my case which I did all the work for, but I don't need the resulting money, so it's being shared with my sibling and my adult kids.

Family money in our house. Anything that's considerably large would be. Like many we have the house, bills, our kids ect to consider. Tbh I'd feel odd if I didn't share it for that. Dh would be the same.

Maybe she doesn’t want to martyr herself to her children? Maybe she’s…shock horror! A person in her own right?

Is this a reverse because your logic is crazy. "We wouldn't have this money if it wasn't for me" could be argued for wages too, but you don't seem to apply that to him contributing more to the family pot, and I don't really know of many mothers who would come into lots of money and only want it all for themselves and not want to spend anything on their children. I think using it to get some things for your self, some new clothes and maybe something for your hobby is fine but it's really odd that you don't want to share with your own family.

Well, do you think that the DH had a much better life than OP when she went through her life-changing injuries and all the aftermath? Of course he did. So the compensation is meant to even it up. OP is not going to have a better life than the DH because of the money. The money is supposed to compensate her for the quality of life that she lost. Of course it cannot do that, but in the absence of a time machine, that's what it's for.

Things can't always be equal. If neither of them are meant to have a better life than the other, then the DH could also get injured and go around with significant facial injuries! Obviously that's absurd, but OP had a significantly worse life than the DH for some time and her quality of life is still affected. The money helps bring her quality of life back up to what her DH's is, as far as possible. It doesn't make her life better than his, because of what she's already suffered. Her QOL balance was in the red, and now it's back in the black, where her DH's QOL balance has always been.

People are not taking into account what OP went through.

If you’ve budgeted for the mortgage and bills and uni funds and there’s plenty of money coming in to the household anyway, what on earth does your husband want to do with the money? Either he wants it to make his life easier or he wants treats. I don’t understand why he should have any control over the money at all. Why don’t you be in charge of it and spend it as you see fit. If that includes treats for the family too so be it.

On reading through the OPs position again I'm sorry but you do sound like a selfish individual.
It's the wording around it. It's gross and sounds like you are in a family unit you want to be a part of unless it's something given to you and it's every man for himself.

I can't imagine ever being like this as part of a family.
I think your husband should divorce you and take half that way because you're not sounding very nice about it at all.
And why post?! You already made up your mind. Your foot stomping, whiney "but it's miiiine" posts are insane....

I'd leave you to your half of it on your lonesome.

OP, you say, “I am interested in hearing all perspectives.”. But you’re not, because above you have said, “I don’t want to hear opinions about how to spend it, as far as I am concerned it is mine.“. It absolutely is, even though
I’m open mouthed at your statement that you don’t want to spend any of it on your children, and consider your DH unreasonable for thinking it is “family money”. If you ask for opinions, though, don’t snub those who give them.

Given that you don't contribute financially to the family in any other way (the argument that a SAHP "enables": the other parent's earnings is almost always self-serving bullshit), it's astonishing to me that you would take this attitude.

Yep she's a petulant child.

Shocking how many posters are saying "oOoOoOoh but hE wAs ThE sOLe EaRnEr" 🙄and guess who facilitated that by being the stay at home parent, which is more often than not, more demanding than a paid job. You guys really keeping invisible labour as such.

I love my husband and child and would be excited to spend it on us all - whether that be holidays, new cars or home improvements. I'd expect to be able to dictate how it is spent, and certainly get myself some treats too, but definitely wouldn't see it as only for me.

I put years of effort and stress into my degrees then my career but I don't think that means I can turn around and say my wages are all mine because no one else in the house worked for them 😅

2nd post from the OP:

Not rehabilitation, no.

If it’s “mine” I would spend it on my hobby and new clothes etc

Oh wow I missed she doesn't even work.

Wow. OP I'd just delete this post and forget it happened then go be nice to your family.
Hopefully they don't see this thread, you have a disgusting selfriteous attitude.
You don't even contribute financially!!!! The balls 😲

Its only morning here and you've won most ridiculous entitled read of the day already...

If you think hard about the horrible thing OP went through and what it might be like to experience significant injuries, including to your face, and the stress of the compensation fight and being dragged to court instead of them settling, you might get an inkling of why OP feels as she does.

And, technically, the money is to compensate OP for OP's injuries. She's the one who got injured. The money is for the victim. It's pretty straightforward, actually.

I'm absolutely sure my husband would insist any such money was mine.

yeah ok, now I agree that this is fabricated rage bait.

Quote from the op:
Has the rest of the family been affected? Yes. Undoubtedly. I can’t deny that.

If I was after going through an ordeal like that, I would love nothing more than to treat all of those around me, a lovely family holiday or something similar.

I'm on your side, OP. Why does your DH have his hand out? YOU got injured. YOU'RE the one walking around with facial scars. If my DH had suffered something like that, I'd be delighted that he was able to make himself happy by using his compensation for its intended purpose.

Not very gallant of him to want to deprive you of being compensated for what you suffered, tbh.

As someone who received significant compensation for injuries myself, which I stated, my position still stands. It's selfish and susprised anyone is making excuses for her on partially assumed details.

So, your DH funded your lifestyle when you didn't work, funded you during your 'pain and trauma' but now you have decided it is no longer "what is his is ours" set up and decided you'd rather a "what's mine is mine"

There is absolutely no way you'd accept this if it was your DH receiving the money. I don't think anyone can deny the vitriol that would be posted if it was a husband making the same decision.

I can't imagine that this level of selfishness and entitlement has come out of nowhere so it probably isn't a shock to your family that you'd do this. So what on earth is the point of this thread? 🙄
Just crack on. Sit on your pile of money, rubbing your hands together and planning on what you can do for you and you only 🤷‍♀️

you don't think securing your children's future benefits you?