To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

My opinion hasn’t changed with the drip feed. You’re leveraging being a SAHM to justify your decision is very odd. Like you have suffered on the double!
Get counselling and keep what you need for treatment but don’t weaponise the money.
Would you not enjoy it more of you shared it?

Honestly, you come across as very self absorbed. I’m sorry you suffered and I’m pleased to hear you’re about to receive compensation. If the figure really is so much more than you expected I cannot understand why you wouldn’t want anyone else in your family to benefit too. Why does it have to be so black & white as all yours or all in the family pot? Whatever you have been through it will have impacted on everyone in your family. If you love them surely you want to do whatever you can to look after them & make their lives better too. You say you’re surprised by the vote but it actually tells you that the majority of people would want their loved ones to benefit. I wonder why you’re so against that.

I think it’s because it’s a large amount. I don’t think I can think of anything this big that wouldn’t benefit the whole family that I could spend that type of money on.

I am the only breadwinner in the family. All the money I earn is OUR money. I don't get to make unilateral decisions and this is my choice. Also any compensation (never happened though), bonuses (occasionally only) and even wins on the bonds in my name are all OUR money.

“ I just feel like we wouldn’t even have that money if it wasn’t for me and my efforts to reclaim the funds. “

OP you keep saying this. I would argue that your family wouldn’t have had any funds at all when you were a SAHM if it wasn’t for your DH and his efforts at work to ensure he brought home his salary. Lucky that he didn’t think the same way huh?

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and congratulate you on seeing through the legal battle and winning. However, you don’t live in a vacuum and it must have had some impact on the lives of your DH and DC too. For me this would be family money without a doubt.

There aren’t many posts on mumsnet that shock me anymore, but this one truly does.

How on earth could you plan to keep such a significant sum of money to yourself op? It’s mind boggling.
If I were in your shoes, I would be working out the best way to allocate the funds to benefit my family in the future. I would be worrying myself to death about making the wrong choices.

Spending it on hobbies and clothes would not enter my head.

Giving myself, DH and children some financial security would be my priority.

I hope this money makes you happy, but in all honesty I don’t think it will.

You are making incredibly selfish choices, and you can’t even see it.

Are people really saying that say their husband had been disfigured in an industrial accident say, and got compensation for the pain, trauma etc, their first thought would be 'great, that's half mine then, what shall we spend it on!?'

It would be 'I wonder what H has planned' followed by a discussion and hopefully agreement to do things to benefit the family. Obviously a portion would be just his, and if needed, money for rehab etc.

That would make sense if you were going to use the funding to get counselling or something to help you actually deal with the emotional fallout. But you just want to spend it on clothes and a hobby.

How can you spend hundreds of thousands on clothes and hobby though. It doesn’t make sense.

OP you keep saying this. I would argue that your family wouldn’t have had any funds at all when you were a SAHM if it wasn’t for your DH and his efforts at work to ensure he brought home his salary.

And there wouldn't be any kids at all if it wasn't for OP and her efforts to ensure she carried, birthed, and brought them home! And then did the lion's share of the drudgery to raise them. Pregnancy is work, delivery is so much work it's actually called labour, postpartum is work, and being the default parent is definitely work!!

If you add up the money OP would have earned had she not had kids, and the money it would have cost her husband to outsource everything OP did, including having the children (as he would have had to pay surrogates) then OP represented a bloody bargain!!!!

What in the world could you possibly have/need/want to spend 150-200k on, as a mother, for yourself?!

if you’re genuinely happy and aren’t about to divorce and run away from your life i cannot fathom what amount of shit you want to buy to not even consider helping your family’s position. Insane.

The reason I (and most others) would say this is family money, is because of my belief that in a committed relationship it isn't right for one partner to have a significantly better quality of life than the other. And it's clear that's what you're imagining.

All these years, your dh could have been the type of guy who shares a basic amount of his salary for family expenses and keeps the extra as his own because he earned it, he got promotions based on effort etc, perhaps because his work has impacted his wellbeing. But he hasn't done that, he's afforded you an equal lifestyle and equal access to money (as is the decent thing to do).

I'm honestly amazed you want to have a better life than him. That doesn't seem loving to me.

I'm sorry you went through something so awful, OP. And facial injuries too - how dreadful. It's not like you can cover those up with clothes, is it.

Maybe you could take the family on a nice holiday and buy them some nice things that they want, and then spend the rest on what it was meant for - compensating you.

My DH and I share finances. We had a compensation claim recently for a much lower amount. I did lots and lots of paperwork and evidencing for the claim. Lots of energy and letter writing, researching, fact checking and cross referencing. The result was significantly lower than what you have been awarded and we split it in four with equal amounts to our children (both under 10). I can’t imagine being awarded £200k+ and seeing the money as mine alone and naming myself “I’m not sharing”.

Of course if you want something for your hobby it should nowhere near cost £200k. So what apart from the clothes you have mentioned are you actually thinking of doing with it??

Anything I planned to spend that amount of money on would have to benefit my family as much as me.

No. I don’t want to spend it on my children.

Genuinely.

As a family, we have some money. We have two incomes. We have a home and we pay our mortgage.

We have enough money to pay our bills and to pay for some days out. We are happy.

Do I want to put aside my compensation payment for their Uni fees? No.

Do I want to earmark it as a potential deposit for their future homes? No.

I want it to be my money. That I get to choose how it is spent.

Is that really so unreasonable?!

The crazy thing is that if you used it to pay off the mortgage you'd have more money available for clothes and hobbies anyway - and be in a better position overall by paying less interest.

Yes.

In your shoes I would do the following OP:

I'm assuming you were not contributing to a pension in the years you were a SAHM - is that right? If yes, let’s say the payout is £250k, I’d invest £200k of it in a pension which will give you more personal financial security while ultimately still benefiting you both. I would then spend some of the remainder on any training to further your career (if needed), and keep the rest for the purposes of actual compensation (e.g. if you need some private healthcare/treatments/therapy etc.)

major life events rarely only impact one family member. It would be family money in our house. It might be distributed in a way that reflected the relative impact of the life event.

So a big bonus earned at work will definitely be shared by everyone in the family. The person who earned it directly may get a personal splurge in addition to how it is allocated throughout the family. It’s also possible that family needs will win out and that just won’t happen.

compensation for an injury or something similar would be the same for us. Everyone was impacted. Everyone should receive compensation or have a vote. Not every vote or share should necessarily be equal.

so that is a complicated way of saying, I don’t think this money solely belongs to you, but you should get an extra share and/or an extra vote.

It makes financial sense to pay off your mortgage, then you'll have more long term money.

The more you post, the more you need to spend the money on therapy.

Sorry but yes. Unless there is something you’re not telling us, you are being very unreasonable. There’s no need to keep it all for uni fees or house deposits, but it could still benefit all of you?

Did you DH support you through whatever caused the trauma and the subsequent effort to get the compensation?

It appears that you have been given tens of thousands of pounds.

I'd buy myself a massive treat, like a piece of jewellery to make up for the physical trauma and for my solo efforts in recouping money/getting compensation.

The vast majority would be family money. I can't believe you want it all to yourself. That's very greedy.

You seem resentful towards your husband for working while you were unemployed. Looking after your own kids in your own home is nowhere near as arduous as your DH commuting to work with people who aren't even his own family, or friends, knowing that you're watching cbeebies, getting cuddles or at soft play. You know that's not work, right? It's disingenous to say that him paying the family finances while you did not, is a good excuse for him to continue paying the family finances while you still do not.

I don’t need an emergency fund. There is no running away about to take place.

Do you want to keep that money aside for your clothes and hobbies while your husband continues to pay more than half of the household bills? And would you consider that fair?