To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

You think that person is "obviously not a genuine poster"? Um, O.K. . . 🙄

If it's really that much money, can you not just do both? Give some to yourself and some to the family pot?

This doesn't fit with what your previously expressed black and white "I did the work therefore it's mine". If you were merely applying this 'rule' (inflexibly and literally) as you previously suggest, then surely it would apply to any amount of money. What you say here points more strongly to a knee jerk emotional response that is so greedy and selfish (towards your family!) that it's pretty ugly OP.

"I did the work, so the proceeds are mine" is a good general position to start from when evaluating situations like this (followed by considering context). Your posts have made it progressively clearer that - based on your specific situation - this is absolutely not an appropriate lens to view the money through.

I'm not being flippant or insincere when I ask if a head injury was involved in your trauma? Is your husband reacting to your attitude with shock and confusion (because it is out of character)?

It's an obvious typo and that she meant receiving compensation.

You say it is yiur because you worked for it and fought for it.
by the same reasoning surely your DH’s wage is his alone because he worked for it?

anything else smacks of double standards imho

I won hospital compo some years ago, for something awful which happened to me. I didn't think twice about sharing it with my partner, and that's exactly what I did. He spent most of his share on me, anyway.

I would keep some back but top up the family pot with some of it too. I’d definitely reimburse costs incurred as a family whilst you were injured. I’d probably buy nice gifts for those who helped me whilst I was ill. Then I’d plan for physio/plastic surgery/whatever with some of the rest as that’s why you have it. If I were single, I’d likely pay some into the mortgage but as you’re part of a couple, I ageee about not wanting it to subsidise something you would have paid for naturally anyway. It’s not like an inheritance, it literally is to cover the cost of your injuries.

Absolutely. He was a specialist in this area.

It was not a car crash.

I had significant facial injuries. And the other side fought liability.

I won partly due to a great solicitor and partly due to the fact that liability was undeniable (In my opinion).

If the other party had settled for less earlier, I would have taken it. They forced me into court. It was stressful and emotional and I am nowhere near being recovered.

This is one of the reasons why I am so adamant that I should keep the money to myself. I’ve posted because I want to hear other peoples opinions where they genuinely share joint finances.

It's not an apt comparison, because OP was badly injured and suffered from that. I don't imagine that her DH gets badly injured in the course of earning money. She's also right that although he supported the household when she was a SAHP, she did her part by carrying and birthing and raising his kids.

If she has to use the money for others, then she is not being compensated for her severe injuries.

He had a job.

She had an injury that was bad enough to lead to this huge amount of compensations. She fought a long legal battle. One he didn't support her in and tried to get her to give up. But she fought on and took risks.

The two are not comparable. There would be no money at all if she'd taken his advice.

Plenty of money to treat yourself and benefit the family.

If you are in a long term marriage it's clearly family money.

Utterly selfish

perhaps ops dh will start see the real person he married now ….

DH was given money a few years back.
He spent it on tech, sound systems etc…
Could have been the deposit for a house.
I keep my cash stash separate to him…
Difference is I’ve saved it, not given it.
I would enjoy some, and share the rest.

It's hugely selfish to spend it on just yourself and not share with your family. The vote shows that.

Your poor H who has worked and supported you financially, to now realise you won't do the same in return. He worked hard all those years and shared his money. Now you're taking "yours" to spend on rubbish. I hope he leaves.

Don’t you want to spend any on your kids? Genuinely?

I’m afraid I agree. You’re incredibly selfish.

I have joint finances.

So my question to you is, what do you want to spend the money on?

if you had won £1k I’d say ok cool, book yourself a fancy treat or get some clothes etc

But because the amount is let’s say £150k how could you possibly keep that for yourself?! What would you even spend it on?

This is one of the reasons why I am so adamant that I should keep the money to myself

But if you are so adamant, why do you want to know what everyone else would do with it? You are still going to keep it for yourself, and do as you planned before making this thread.

It's becoming a bit of a rage bait and I'm doubting how true this is tbh

going against the grain i think, but you are receiving compensation money -- you are being compensated for something that happened to you, it didn't happen to your family. you are the one who needs compensating, you are the one who gets the money. i think at least 50% should be yours alone

In principle, definitely your money. You drove the claim, researched, put in the hard graft for something you believed in. So I definitely think you deserve a bigger say in it and at least a portion of it solely to reward yourself for your persistence.

I would say the same even if the roles were reversed.

Was your husband supportive when pursuing the claim? This would determine how much I would share. If he was 100% behind you and supporting you then I would just put the whole thing as family money. If he gave only minimal or no support then I would probably keep up to 50% and put 50% as family (more for children's security).

I'd also ensure my pension was equal to husband's (if it isn't already so) and top up what was lost during childcare years.

Personally, our finances are completely joint but every time I make a saving somewhere e.g. negotiating with builders etc. my husband encourages me to spend the savings on myself. Granted, it's not life changing amounts.

If she has to use the money for others, then she is not being compensated for her severe injuries.

Exactly. I don't think that OP should keep all of it, but certainly a decent proportion off it should be her compensation for the damage caused to her, and her reward for her tenacity.

I'm not sure why people are comparing it to salary. I'm assuming that he had a say in what job he does, and you both had a say in the decision for you to be a SAHP and how finances are split. Someone actually compared the compensation to money you get for doing a job. It's not the same at all. I think people are ignoring that you didn't choose the life changing injury, you probably wish it hadn't happened, and this is compensation for pain, suffering and trauma...which doesn't happen for most people as part of their daily job.

Are people really saying that say their husband had been disfigured in an industrial accident say, and got compensation for the pain, trauma etc, their first thought would be 'great, that's half mine then, what shall we spend it on!?'

Are you going to spend £200k on luxury items/hobbies/holidays etc while your husband and kids are at home, just living their normal lives?

Do you think your family were completely unaffected by the injury?

Were they immune to the stress faced by the claim and court?

Do you really not want to spend any on your kids?

I would with a small caveat consider it family money. I'd expect DH to take a proportion to spend just on something nice for himself. Although he would likely want me to have some to spend on something just for me too.

I don't think I'd forgive him if he took what would be a life changing amount for the family and said it was just for him after we'd spent years working together for things. No matter where it came from.

On a more practical level, unless you're on a really good rate, long fix, surely paying off the mortgage is sensible anyway? Even if you then put the "mortgage payment" back into an account each month in your name for the rest of the term you'd probably end up better off. I guess potentially you could offset or maybe invest and hope for high interest savings. But I'm not sure why you want to keep paying interest on a balance of ?£100k+ debt when you don't have to.