To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Of course it was you who suffered the pain, but do you honestly think your accident or whatever it was, and your subsequent time recovering, didn’t affect your family? Even if it was just anxiety for you, or coping without your usual input to family life for a while, or things being out of routine?

It would be reasonable for you to spend some of it (a small percentage) on a treat for yourself, but after that I really can’t understand why you don’t see it as family money. Yes it was awarded as compensation to you, but you could say the same in effect about the salary for a job.

I agree with this, I'd think it would be similar to getting a regular payment for a disability, would be nice to do something to help everyone but it's primary aim is to help the person who is owed it.

In our house all financial decision making of any scale is joint. Because we are one family. Any bonus, or large inheritance or windfall, we work out whats best for our family.

it sounds like you’ve been left with (understandable) negativity from whatever happened. Some of the money could be used for therapy. Everyone needs it, in all honesty.

If I were your husband, I’d be thrilled that you’re receiving a wonderful, life changing sum as compensation to the trauma and injury you suffered.

i’d want you to treat yourself, buy things you love, spend £ on enriching experiences.

at the same time, I’d assume that as we are such a great teams, you’d want to make life better for me and the shared children. Some great holidays, a chunk off the mortgage, a garden makeover, takeaway Friday for the rest of our lives …

but the fact that you don’t want to share. You don’t think it should even be a question that you share. That would hurt me. It would make me feel as though we’re not as strong as I thought. It would tell me that you don’t see time and experiences with your family as valuable as clothes and hobbies. It would make me question the strength of your commitment to me. And it would make me question my commitment to you.

I think the reason people are struggling with this is because the majority of people who came into that sort of money would immediately think ‘how can I use this to make my family’s life easier/happier/more comfortable’. Not ‘how can I make sure my loved ones don’t get any of this money’.

Hmm, I don’t think that your husband earns a high salary because you ‘facilitated’ it by being a SAH mom. If you had gone back to work he would have most likely earned the same salary, he would have just had to pay money towards childcare…but then again so would you as you’d be earning too.

You keep saying that the compensation is your money because you did the paperwork, went through the trauma etc etc. The reason your husband has a high salary is because he must have also done lots of paperwork at work and endured lots of stress. Sometimes people contribute to the household in different ways, it can’t be that his money is the family money, but your money is your money. The fact that you have been happy to allow him to pay for all the family expenses while you were SAHM, but you don’t want to share ‘your money’ with him now, it’s sad.

My bonus is something I work really hard for, not my family

But it goes in the family pot. But then everything does, everything is for the good of the family. It doesn't mean I don't have treats etc

Selfish?! I have reported your post because you’re obviously not a genuine poster.

I was awarded a settlement in a court of law because the other party was found to be at fault.

I sustained significant injuries for which I am now receiving conversation. Forgive me if I don’t want to use it to pay off my mortgage or other household bills.

The point of the thread is to establish whether most people would consider it to be “family money”.

OP, you say the money is because you suffered significant injuries. Therefore, I would say the money is yours. You were the one who got badly hurt, and the money is meant to compensate you for that. Therefore, you should do nice things for yourself with it, imo.

I think if my spouse had been badly hurt, while I might WISH to get my paws on the money and for it to benefit me too - LOL! - I would actually be very glad to see them made happy by using the money on nice things for themselves, after going through all that pain and suffering.

It's not meant for the kids' future or to pay off the mortgage. It's to make YOU happy after what you went through.

You could invest it and buy even more nice things in the future!

Exxcept that he wont. But dont let facts stand in the way of your "righteous" indignation.

You don't get huge numbers of non-car crash injuries which lead to £200k compensation pay outs, as multiple / catastrophic injuries are seen far more often in car crashes. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it's not as common.

Those claims that are 6 figure pay outs tend to take many years, not less than two years as the OP implies.

Also, injuries are generally worth far less than you'd possibly expect. Large claims like this usually have a large % as future losses (care, earnings, surgery, treatment etc).

To get that much money in such a short space of time is a really good result. Her solicitor must've been very good.

I think you should spend some of it on therapy (or family therapy) to try & resolve why the trauma has made you emotionally dissociated from your family.

You sound very cold & distant.

Edited to say I've accidentally quoted the wrong post sorry.

Many couples manage to have successful careers without needing a SAHP. And she didn't go back to work until the kids were in secondary school!

If I'd supported my DH to stay at home throught-out the DC's primary schooling, and then he came into money (whatever the cause) and wanted to keep it for himself instead of using it in a way that would allow us to both retire earlier or invest in DC's future, I'd be seriously reconsidering if he was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes it’s bizarre but money corrupts so now that there’s a serious amount of money in play OP has decided to change the rules and now what’s hers is hers.

It would be a bit of both in our house. I would keep some for myself (as would DH) and the rest would be family money. Maybe a 20/80 split depending on how much it was

They probably are genuine. Lots of us think you are selfish. You've no desire to help Or treat your family and we all find that odd, even if we agree you should control the money.

Your seem very bitter, angry and controlling.

I was going to say that YANBU, but give that he pays most of bills, plus funded to have time off work to be a SAHP, I think you are being very unreasonable. You’re happy taking his money, but not the other way around.

Receiving conversation?

Yes.

As the higher earner in our relationship, I honestly can't imagine how I would feel about working my butt off to pay off the mortgage and a disproportionate share of the household expenses while my spouse was sitting on £200k in the bank that was ringfenced for their personal hobbies and fashion choices.

What I do know is that the resentment in that situation would simply be too much for me. I have always seen marriage as being a team. But if one half of the marriage isn't a team player, then you've got to wonder what's the point.

I am also a SAHM and I see it as my husband has born the financial burden of me being able to stay at home and not work. Sure I birthed his kids - but there are many women who birth their partner's kids and still go out to work full-time.

Personally I don't think you can have it both ways; if your husband did not put conditions on you spending the money he brought into the family, it doesn't feel right that you have put conditions on the money you have brought into the family.

A court of law? Yet your claim took less than 2 years? It takes a good 18 months from when a claim is issued until trial when it's got a value such as yours.

Fast result.

You know what she means. You think you look clever but if you cant work out an auto correct well.....

Honestly I don’t think it’s about the money for you. I’m going to guess there is some resentment towards your DH for going through this alone and unsupported. So keeping the money is a FU.

I think marriages are a team. If you were on the same team you wouldn’t hesitate to share it.