To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Why on earth are you asking then if you have decided it is yours?

You would like to use this money for new clothes and hobbies? If you could pay off your mortgage with this money, you must have either a tiny mortgage or incredibly expensive taste in clothes. 😅

And if you usually use the joint money to pay for your hobby, then why would you use the compensation money for that?

And as a loving husband who you admit has been generous with his money and who sees it as a partnership I expect he will come to you to say hey babe this money came in from the settlement, it's a lot more than I expected, and welcome your input. Again you're not dictating to him but as a couple who work together you should have a say.

It looks like it's a lot of money that you can have enough to splash on yourself and also benefit the family but you're so greedy than you can only see it as mine mine mine.

"I honestly feel like if the roles were reversed and my DH was the injured party, I wouldn’t ever think about having a say on his money. And that is how I would see it. His money"

But if your DH didn't bother to do his job, your family wouldn't have that money either? I don't understand this logic - of course you were the one who had to claim the compensation.

£200,000!!!! I guess, if you really are that possessive over what is literally a life-changing sum, then it will pay for a bloody good divorce lawyer.

We are married. All of our money is family money. We both spend on what we want from that money, but there is no concept of "this is mine, that is yours".

So why are you asking for a MNs opinion then, which you have insisted upon, but have no wish to consider? I find your stance extremely uncomfortable.

And you wouldn’t have the money and lifestyle you currently have if your husband didn’t earn it.
He shoukd run!l

Absolutely. You are right.

If it had been 10 or 15 grand, I would’ve said add it to the pot. The fact it is 10 times that amount and we are now about to receive it I don’t want to just add it to the pot.

Rightly or wrongly.

I'm surprised at the results. I wonder if all the people that said it should be family money would say the same if it was inheritance or a gift for your birthday, which is similarly something not expected, not regular, and intended just for you - I had thought these types of things were often (though not always) considered family money.

As OP said, its compensation and you only get that if you've proved significant pain, suffering or trauma. So not exactly an 'unexpected windfall' as someone described it, which I think is making it sound a lot more positive than it was.

So I don't think it should automatically be family money. But I think it's quite nuanced and I can also understand a spouse feeling hurt all other money has always been shared family money, and personally I'm not sure it would be worth any potential upset. So I'd probably keep some for me to treat myself but consider the majority family money

You must have been through something incredibly traumatic to be awarded that level of compensation; I can’t even imagine how you start to process this stage of the journey and decide what to use it for.

My husband would insist it’s mine. I am currently in the process of a situation that could result in me recieving compensation for something traumatic that happened to me and when we’ve discussed possible outcomes, he’s said that he’d never expect it was his money too and to be placed in a shared “family” pot.

He says I should use it on whatever would boost my mood and MH, his words were “feed your soul and mind ” he just wants me to find myself again after the traumatic thing had taken away my ability to enjoy so much of life as well as the physical pain.

It's a life changing amount.

He has financially supported you as a SAHM. All other money is one pot..I can't see how this cannot be a joint decision.

If you spend say £5k on yourself and £10k on a daily holiday. I can't see why you wouldn't agree to use the money to secure your future, either paying the mortgage off or uni fees for DC.

I guess your DP has paid most of the mortgage so far so and will I'm the future so why wouldn't you lighten the load?

If it was smaller I'd say it's your but being able to settle the mortgage and not even discussing it sounds selfish.

Imagine saying to your kids ‘sorry, I’ve got the money to be able to help you through uni but I’d rather spend it on clothes and my hobbies’

He should run?! Lol.

Exactly. The whole thing is really off.

OP if you keep this money for yourself it may well destroy your marriage. I hope it’s worth it.

Yes, he should. I would in his shoes.

Well, at least you're honest.

I don't understand why you'd have put a smaller sum in the family pot but want to keep the much larger amount to yourself. The opposite would be easier to understand.

Are you thinking of ending your marriage and looking for a way out?

Forget the SAHM thing. Even if you'd both been earning full wages from day 1, I cannot comprehend not discussing how to spend this money with my husband. We have dreams we'd want to achieve together. We could reduce the pressure on family finances, we could do good for others. I can't imagine either of us "keeping" it.

Yes, inheritance would be family for me. If someone gifted me £200k for a birthday that'd be family too lol. I'm not sure where the boundary would be! I'm not a spender so honestly anything over £100 would probably just go in the general pot.

Of course OP fought for it and pushed back on it and wouldnt settle because she is grabby and greedy. Look at the posts "me me me"

As someone said above, what's his is mine and what's mine is mine.

You can bet if roles were reversed she'd be saying but I facilitated his recovery...

Happy spending OP

If he runs now he'll get 100k!

I think 15/20k it would have been fair to keep the majority to yourself but 10x that I think you’re being really selfish. If I were married to you I’d honestly be rethinking the marriage. That’s the kind of amount where you pay a huge chunk of your mortgage, save some for the kids, and generally improve your families life. Not just treat yourself.

Ok, so you are saying around £200k. If you were to walk out and leave your family behind, which seems to be on the cards given your attitude and the way in which you're treating your husband,, how much would that give you to survive on? Not much tbh. Could you buy a house without a mortgage? I doubt it. Could you survive on it on your own? Again doubtful. What do you want, exactly?