To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

What is your approach to inheritances? It’s not a dissimilar situation, as a person suffers a loss (many times also trauma) and then comes into additional funds. If you believe those should not be considered joint finances, then that makes more sense. If you do, then I’d suggest there is some real cognitive dissonance going on about this?

What is your ACTUAL concern about putting it in the joint pot? Is it that you still have an underlying guilt about spending money on luxuries things for yourself and keeping it separate will fix it? Is it about wanting to spend it on things with no one knowing? Are you worried it will just get naturally eaten up by lifestyle creep and you won’t be able to spend it on things you want long term? Honestly, there does seem to be resentment underlying some of your posts, so it’s worth sorting what that is about.

I think the amount is also relevant. If it’s something like 30k then I could understand perhaps putting some toward something for the family then keeping the rest to the side for yourself over time. If it’s more like 100k + then why not keep a portion for yourself but put the bulk in the family pot? Unless of course you are thinking of future separation and it would be helpful to have it all quarantined…..

OP, you say, “the final sum is much larger than either DH or I were ever expecting.” In which case, surely it is not unreasonable to keep a bit for yourself, and put the rest in the family pot? You don’t seem to regard yourself and your DH as a team - as far as I’m concerned, money coming into the household is “ family” money. If it’s a “pay off your mortgage” amount of money, then I think you’re extremely unreasonable, and indeed selfish, to want to keep it all for yourself.

If they’d both worked full time they could have paid for wrap around care like many people do, why would anyone need to work part time or compressed hours for school runs?

😬 sorry @Ilovelifeverymuch

I am heading off to bed now, so please don’t be offended if I don’t reply instantly. I haven’t made up my mind, hence the point of posting. I am interested in hearing all perspectives.
I just feel quite strongly about this.

70% of the vote say I am being unreasonable and I am taking that on board. I just feel like we wouldn’t even have that money if it wasn’t for me and my efforts to reclaim the funds. All the contracts I signed in getting into this point were on me.

I honestly feel like if the roles were reversed and my DH was the injured party, I wouldn’t ever think about having a say on his money. And that is how I would see it. His money.

Why shouldn’t you? If you pay off the mortgage you’ll have additional income every month you can direct to funding nice things for both of you and the security of knowing you own your home outright. It likely could facilitate you both retiring earlier or having lots of extra family experiences. You surely can’t actually want to spend that kind of money on just disposable stuff. Will buying stuff for your hobby and clothes actually help you with your recovery? If so would using the usual mortgage payment from those things ongoing not also be very beneficial?

I got a reasonable compensation for medical negligence last year. I have complete control over the money, although I still have spent a lot of it on family stuff, and consider it family savings, but only I have access to it. I payed off some of our mortgage, got us a new car, paid for outings etc that we wouldn’t have done otherwise and gave my husband some for frivolous spending

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have control of it, but I do think it’s unreasonable to share none of it!

Given you’ve admitted that some is to cover lost wages and medical expenses I think as a minimum you put that back in, so 25% of it should be allocated to cover that. That partly why you’ve received compensation, to cover that loss.

I think you should split the rest, I would probably do 2/3 of the rest to cover a treat for the family or savings for the DC and the other 1/3 for whatever I wanted. It sounds like it was fairly bad and your family would have been negatively affected as well. If it was bad it will probably have been quite traumatic for kids to go through that, especially if they’re young, as you say they had to rely on others for school runs etc, that will have been a worrying time for them so I personally would use some of the money for that and keep a smaller portion for myself.

I can't imagine my husband, in the circumstances you describe, thinking for one minute that it wasn't my money to do with what I liked.

Spend a lump on yourself and share the rest. I’m sure your family went through the distress with you too.
I got a small inheritance, it was mine but I shared a lot as DH is the main earner years and I use his account like it’s our account, it works both ways. He never questions anything once he has petrol and a bit of spending money.

If my husband got a large windfall of money and told me it was his own and nothing to do with the family I would honestly divorce him.

I couldn’t imagine in what world I wouldn’t share this- and I say this as someone who has received a large compensation payment myself. One I also had to fight really hard for, for 18 months and it was the worst time of my life. The family also felt the knock of effects of it as I was a mess for 18 months.

I treated myself to one really nice thing (approx 2k) which my DH was really excited about as he said I deserved it, I insisted on him having a treat (around £700 and he argued against this massively but he’d really supported me) and we then spent a sum on a very nice holiday. The rest went into over paying the mortgage. I didn’t want it to go on mundane things but also wanted to be sensible with the majority.

Update to my previous extremely flippant response ...

You and your husband, you're a team, yes?? Actually your stance reeks of selfishness. Pay of the mortgage and do the decent thing. And if there''s anything left, take your family on a fabulous, memorable holiday. That's why I did, and the memories live on, for all of us.

Don’t be ridiculous. On this logic you wouldn’t have DH’s higher salary if he didn’t get up each day and pursue a career. So he should keep that?
i pursued years of training for my career - i earn a lot as a result, my hard work and lack of spare time sometimes. I still share.

Yes to this approach.

It really isnt as she now works too so is putting a roof over her own head. And lets say, for the sake of argument, that he said "I am not paying for you anymore", then what? She moves out and he is left with kids, no childcare and no housekeeper.

They made a mutual decision that served them both at the time. @ImNotSharing compo is totally separate from that.

Any amount which she's claimed for care her husband provided is held in trust for him by her, so that amount should be going to him at the very least.

You wouldn’t expect any of the money to be spent on the family/your joint children if the roles were reversed? None of it?

I think what's really galling to a lot of people is not that you want full control (several have said similar) but that with that full control, you have no desire to benefit your family (whereas most have said they'd still decide to pay mortgage, joint holiday etc). You want to be the only one to benefit from this

The fact that you hesitate here and then try to justify your position shows me you know you deep down that this is not right in the scheme of how you've run your finances in your marriage. If I was your husband it would change the way I thought about you and maybe even reconsider my marriage.

It can't change overnight from "our" money to "mine" because it suits you.

If the roles were reversed you'd be in desperate need of that money after however many years of the main earner being out of work. And if they ever are reversed and he's unable to work, you'll be a lot happier to know that the mortgage is paid off than to know your outfit is on point and you have loads of whatever it is that you buy for your hobby that costs as much as a mortgage.

Op I understand as I received a large compensation for an injury for a claim that took many yrs to be settled as it was such a complex injury.
I treated everyone in the family & decided to save the majority, & for us to only spend the interest each year.
My dh had previously received inheritance & I didn’t think of this as ours. Yes, it was used to fund projects in the house but ultimately I felt it was his.

It is pay off the mortgage level money.

When I started this, it looked to be maybe 15 or £20,000. I wouldn’t accept an offer to go away and instead I fought it and now we have easily 10 times that amount.

So no, I’m not about to spend it all on my hobby, but I don’t want to hear opinions about how to spend it, as far as I am concerned it is mine.

If it is a large enough sum then surely you can use some for the things you think you deserve and still also be able to put some of it to use that will benefit the whole family. I can’t imagine having a sum like this that could help avoid or minimize student loans for my kids and just keeping it all to myself, I would want the money to help the whole family while still treating myself to some things I want too.

If the payout was on Medicaid reasons which effected you in the past and may do again long time into the future it is your money. Could it be put into a trust for yourself.

Would 100% be family money here but equally DP would probably insist I spent some of it on me alone and I would. Depends how much it was, really. Maybe 90% family money, 10% personal.

What if your DH decided his income was his to spend on whatever he wishes too?