To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

You call it self-esteem, I'd call it selfish. You've lost me now. Let's hope your DH has a lottery win next week and spends it all on himself!

Why are you basing your self-esteem and worth on money? Does it not give you a sense of worth to be able to make a contribution to your family's future?

What was the incident?

I'm not reading any other replies, just giving my instinctive answer. When I got married I agreed to pool everything. I then inherited a lot of money. I viewed this as family money. Because that's what I agreed to when I married.

I don’t really see how that’s any different from one person working and the other not, or one person earning more than the other. If your finances are shared, they’re shared - if they’re not, they’re not.

But his job keeps a roof over your heads and food on the table.

And what about your kids? I can’t really imagine saying ‘sorry, there’s no money to help you out with uni costs because I know my worth and I spent it on new clothes instead’.
i genuinely think it’s a bit odd that you don’t want to share the money with your children.

Start getting everything in order… this will lead to arguments and a separation……Frankly- your attitude stinks and you sound greedy. You are either a family unit or not. So all in, or all out. You can’t pick and choose.

We don't have joint finances. Money is split 50/50 for bills and the rest is our own.
However, when I inherited money it was for "us" we got a new car, funded some work in the house etc. It was mine but spent on joint expenses. I never considered it just mine, it was ours.

I don’t get it. What’s yours is mine but what’s
mine is my own?

You’re happy for him to pay the lions share of everything when he earns more but when you come into money you want to keep it for yourself? Thats pretty selfish OP.

I was made redundant from a well paid professional job when on maternity leave and I pursued a claim for unfair dismissal. It was very stressful and long and arduous but I ended up with a six figure sum. It went straight into the joint account. We bought a new car and paid off a big chunk of our mortgage. I would never have thought to keep it to myself because we share our money. I’m the bigger earner but we’re married and have a child so everything is done for the benefit of the family pot. My husband wouldn’t have objected if I had wanted to spend a bit of it on myself but I’d have treated everyone in the family and not just myself in that case.

I would be inclined to split it 50/50. There are many great reasons for being an SAHM if it suits you and the family. But you didn’t facilitate his high earnings by being an SAHM. His high earnings may have allowed you to be an SAHM but you working outside the home would not have prevented him earning. Money would have had to be spent on childcare but that’s a different point. But yes, i understand why you want to keep at least some for yourself and i think i would go for a 50/50 split.

@ImNotSharing know your place!!!!

FFS......

Wow

Classy mother you are

Said it all when you said you’d consider DH’s compensation family money if the shoe was on the other foot.

The kind of shit that has self esteem and knows their own worth?

I think maybe someone who has quite a bit of unresolved trauma and some anger towards DH?
Because in a shared income household where you are actually the smaller income contributor this isn’t an immediately logical or fair wish.

Do you want more control over finances, or resent not having more fun money or did you want to return to work earlier? I just feel something else may be underneath your current behavior?

I think for us everything we ever received has been shared - inheritance, bonuses, competition winnings, work awards etc. Neither of us ever had compensation for anything significant but if we did and it wasn’t required for rehabilitation or adaptations or something else linked to recovery then I think we’d share that too though obviously I can’t know. I would however expect with any significant sum of money we’d discuss it and agree what was best for the family as a whole.

I hope that you will be spending it on being totally, utterly, self indulgent. Enjoy ! x

Thats quite an odd statement to make.

You choose to be a SAHP, you choose to be financially dependent on your DH, you choose to sacrifice your career, you choose to contribute less to the household financially - yet you see this money as a measure of your self worth?

I can see why you feel entitled to this money. However, if you’ve had joint finances up to now, it would be totally unreasonable in my opinion to declare this money yours. For example, if your DH was awarded significant bonus for an arduous and stressful project at work, could he claim that as his? Or if he lost a relative and gained an inheritance, would that be his?

I don’t think you would be unfair to set some money aside to buy some clothes or to buy something for your hobby but to pigeon hole the whole amount as “yours”, wouldn’t be reasonable in a joint finances situation.

Oh she is, she really is.

Nothing to do with self esteem. If you love your kids, you gib]ve them what you can. I came into some money,,hard earned and suffered for it, and half went straight to my kids to buy them a house each. I’m still filtering money their way..they matter more than money in my account. I only retained some as I’m low income and it’s good to have a fall back for emergencies instead of hand to mouth as it was.

I knew even before seeing this post that he was most likely the higher earner and covers more of the household expenses than you do, and as you said your hobbies are both covered by the joint account so yes YABU by playing the "it's my money card"

Yes you have a say and maybe more of a say if you can't agree on what to spend it on easily but your attitude is rather selfish and greedy TBH. I did this and I did that so it must be mine to do what I want with despite the fact he has been generous with his money.

You're obviously going to do what you're going to do so good luck either way.

And don't forget that you're also setting the precedent, if your DH gets a windfall or inheritance it's all his and you don't get to complain.

It wasn’t a car crash 🙄

It wasn’t a straight forward claim. In fact, most people probably wouldn’t have ever pursued a claim.

As already said, I did the research. I got the legal representation. I did the hundreds of forms and medical experts and ultimately proved liability. It wasn’t a simple process and I was advised to stop many times. All of that risk I assumed and I took.

The risk wasn’t financial as I had insurance but I took it. If it had been left to DH or wasn’t an “easy” settlement, we wouldn’t have this money.

I don't know if it might matter what your being compensated for.

To me, it's not family money. If your great-aunt gave you a large sum as a birthday present, would you consider that family money? I wouldn't.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what we say. Unless you can be convincing, I think you're in for a fight, and he's going to feel huffy.