To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

I would think it depends on how much money is involved? And what that amount looks like to you and your family? I would say of course you deserve to have something for yourself, be it for clothes or a hobby and he should have said, that's yours. If it is a very large amount then it might change the picture a bit?

Wow.

OP that comment is quite astonishing. Reasons for keeping it all keep does reduce always to you feeling you are owed.

Impact on DH/family irrelevant in your view. Fact your DH was knocking his pan in working for you and the family (hence why village stepped in) all counts for absolutely nothing? What about all the folk who stepped up and put themselves out for you?

There’s not a thing anyone can say I don’t think to change your mind and ultimately your call. As you said, you’re just here for the vote 🗳️ and as far as I can see you’re 100% unwilling to see any other point of view. £s signs does that to some folk but as someone else said, all in it is a bit ugly imho.

In our family it would be family money. If you and DH are usually very separate with money then I could see why you view it differently but DH and I have always just shared everything.

Sorry, but to me this feels no different to what if you had a huge tax rebate/bonus/won the lottery. With respect to the first two - they happen annually for us now and are as the result entirely of my DH’s work related efforts (14 hour days, travel, unrelentingly on-call 24/7, so similar to pursuing a claim for a year, only every year for twenty odd years). Based on that I can say that he has never said any of it is just ‘his’. If my DH got a payout, even a seven figure sum, it would be family money and he would discuss how best to use it for all of our benefit. Of course he might do a couple of boys’ golf weekends or treat himself some new clubs or something, but he’d make sure we all had the same opportunity - ie we’d all benefit.

Either your finances are joint or they aren’t. You can’t say they’re joint except when you get some money.

If there is more than you expected...can you not use some for family and some for personal?

Why should he get an equal say about what happens with the (my) compensation?

Because it sounds like you get an equal say about what happens to his salary.

This. Team DH

This ⬆️.
It's family money.

I would consider it family money, but all our money is pooled.

I don't think you can reasonably be happy to accept someone else's income as joint but not your own income as joint.

Ring fencing the money for medical costs seems reasonable, but ring-fencing it for your own treats isn't imo. Yes, you made the claim, but your dh could argue the same about his money being his because he earned it. You can't have it both ways.

I haven't read any further than this. But I think you definitely need to keep some of it for yourself. You were the one that suffered the event that led to this, and you're the one who's had a stressful time pursuing the claim.

Our money was family money, but in a situation like this, I'd have told my husband to keep at least some of it to treat himself to something to balance the stress he'd been under. And I'm pretty sure he'd have said the same if it had been my award.

Maybe half for you and half family money, if it's more then you expected?

Most things I would say yes - lottery/PB prizes, even inheritance to some degree. But compensation for something that happened to you and you alone - no, I think that is your money.

In our house the we’d prioritise the opinion of whoever it was awarded to but it would still be family money

It really comes across that you resent or regret having kids or choosing to be a sahm

We would discuss together but any financial needs resulting from the event triggering the compensation would be an unspoken priority. We would then jointly agree what to do with the rest- it may include money each for frivolous spending e.g. DH got a promotion bonus and we jointly decided to take £500 each to spend as we wish- his went on a hobby, mine on clothes and make up! I wouldn’t be happy spending money on myself unless DH got the same (regardless of source of income). Other choices would be home improvements, savings or holidays but regardless of who’s account it went into and who’s it went out of, we would decide together.

Yeah! We are a great team hence why I am questioning this decision.

70% think I am wrong. I’m honestly shocked.

I'd still call rehab money family money, because it benefits the whole family.

It's relevant because if you felt he sufficiently supported you and your family you wouldn't even be questioning whether you should keep all this money yourself.

I came into my current relationship significantly better off than my dh. I have no problem with him spending anything he wants from our now joint finances. Because everything we have is shared - problems, finances, everything

You sound horribly grabby. If my DH behaved this way I would be strongly reconsidering my marriage - especially if I’d supported him to stay home for years on end.

Usually if you get compensation it's because something horrible has happened, and the process of getting the compensation is bloody awful. I think it's a bit crass to compare it to a lottery win, unless it's for something quite trivial (eg mis-sold car finance, rather than, say, personal injury)

As he does for her salary. They agreed to share their earned income.

This isnt earned income. Its a payment that is made to compensate OP for something that happened to HER so it is her money! It didnt happen to him as well.

Fine but don’t complain when DH inherits and doesn’t tell you, cos PIL dying happened to him not you.

You want validation. I don’t think you should get that. It could be your DH says you don’t get a say in money he actually worked for for years and that would serve you right. You can say, I did x to get this money and I want some of it fot]r y, but to say it’s all yours with no discussion or input from the guy who enabled your lifestyle so far? Callous . Anyone who puts money above family should be left with the money. Like my mother..hoards her wealth but no one visits ..in her old age all alone

So finances are joint until it suits you that they are not? Ok…

I am also not buying the I went through something terrible so deserve for this to be mine argument. Maybe your husband decides he doesn’t actually like working. Does that then mean all his wages are his?

You can’t put random rules around money to decide who it belongs to. You either have joint money or you don’t.

Another one of those "why did you ask if you didn't want to be told you are being unreasonable" threads!

You've made up your mind and have no intention of changing it. That's fine. But I do think you should spend some time thinking about why you feel so strongly about this.

Do you feel undervalued? Do you resent being a sahp? Do You feel judged for what you spend or guilty for what you want to buy? Do you wish you had your own money?

A good compromise might be 25% family money, 25% splurge on yourself then 50% in a private savings account to gain interest on.
I would personally consider it family money, when you enter a marriage it's 50/50 otherwise why did you get married. Also if you keep it all to yourself would you expect dh to keep supporting you with his earnings? What about your kids, will they benefit?