To wonder why people talk over me?

[Tressle]

I have only recently started to really notice this, and it makes me recall various times throughout my life when it has also happened.
Just a bit of background - I'm from a stable/happy family, was very well cared for, encouraged and valued as a child and did well in school. I don't have any shyness issues or mental health concerns, and to the best of my knowledge I am a good listener and love communicating with people.

I have recently noticed when in groups of more than 2 people I am often over-talked, usually when I am around 3 words into a sentence. My DH does not do this thankfully, and I am sure he has even begun to notice it happening when we socialise.
For example, we met up with friends yesterday afternoon for coffee/lunch as we do often, and there were 5 of us (male and female) in total, sat in a circle around a small table. Everyone in this group is friendly, but it still seems to happen. You know that relaxed energy when you are chatting with friends on a sunny day, no stress, nice atmosphere....all contributing to talk about local building projects, where one had been on holiday, what soups we love to make, low key stuff.

And I notice that whenever I add something or lean forward to speak, I will get a few words in and someone will just start talking over it, very naturally, almost as if it never happened - which is likely why I have not fully consciously recognised it for so long!
I remember this happening in small groups at various times in the past and am wondering if it is natural to some extent, or whether it's me...or them!

I don't speak too quietly, and am not under confident. As far as I know I am not boring and I don't hog conversations or prattle either.
Oddly enough this is only in social circles, never through work with clients and colleagues or in academic situations. In fact the only place it never happened was at uni/work.

The worst thing is that I have noticed that now, when it happens, I have started to rush my sentence out in effort to be heard before someone overtakes it and I think that's sad.

It is easy to just say people are rude, but I don't know. It isn't just recent, so perhaps a group dynamic, or god knows, maybe I am a bad fit??
Anyone experienced this, and can shine a light on it?

This used to happen to me a lot then I noticed when I did it to a particular person how she stopped me from interrupting just by subtly putting her index finger up , nodded and carried on talking. It didny come across as rude but assertive, although I can imagine people saying its sounds rude.
After reflecting I have tried this and other tactics such as adding a ' hold that thought, I just want to say.........'
It has done absolute wonders for my confidence in a group situation where you have some big personalities.

Happens me too OP! Just in a group situation. I have no solutions though. In my case I am a little shy in a group situation so possibly I don’t speak assertively or confidently enough. It doesn’t happen me at work interestingly, more in social situations with groups of women.

Most recent one for me looked like this..

We are all discussing making soups, which our favourites are. It's a fairly relaxed, even conversation with no one dominating it. I had to attempt a sentence 4 times before giving up, as each time I began to say it, someone just talked over it as if I wasn't there or I was a pet dog beside the table.

I was trying to say "I have recently discovered a fab wild garlic and mushroom soup recipe we are trying tomorrow, it sounds delicious! Has anyone tried it?" Throughout this DH was fully listening and looked confused about it, too.

@notacooldad your comment made me realise that it is usually one or two specific people who do it.

Sadly it is definitely mostly women who do it, to me anyway. I am not overly assertive but far from meek, I have analysed my own behaviour and can't fathom this one.

I really don’t understand it either. I know when I notice someone else is being talked over I try and make space for them to say what it, eg ‘sorry Sarah what were you saying there’…don’t feel like I get that myself though!

Strangely, this happens to me, but only with one specific group of friends. In fact, reading this thread has just made me realise it's actually one specific person! That makes me feel better about it!

From what you say it sounds like the issue is the other people rather than you. Are they friendlier with each other than they are with you? Is there some sort of competition/jockeying for position between them?

I'm a very confident person but I don't do well in group friendships. I'm very aware of the dynamics and this sort of thing - one person constantly getting talked over - drives me nuts.

I think its a combination of things 1) you notice it, as in, this does happen to us all quite a lot (me definitely) but you are now noticing it more and feeling its just you, when its just what we all have to manage especially in lively group conversations 2) you know one or two particularly mouthy people who tend to talk over others. So, in summary, I dont think it is you!

I had a friend do this, eventually she told me she has ADHD and tried really hard not to blurt out random thoughts before she forgets them, and then feels she cannot circle back.

The group is usually just generally relaxed and friendly all around, but now that I think about it, the woman often gives me a sense of something I can't quite put my finger on. This may sound a bit strange but the feeling is as if she is a school teacher and I am a teenager. As if I don't 'count'. No idea why as we are only 5 yrs apart, she is retired (ran a small successful bakery) and I'm still working (academia/publishing).

Discussed it with DH this morning and he says he's noticed it, although he is a bit ..diplomatic about such things and would never look to assign intent/blame. He thinks it reminds him of being the youngest child of 3 siblings (as was I!), born late on and often treated as the child in later years also. Perhaps a dynamic thing?
His 'theory' is some people are always the 'older sibling', no matter who they are with!

Aye, that's possible.
No one in this example is mouthy, but perhaps there are unconscious behaviours and a dynamic in each group? A lot to think through!

I know exactly what you mean, OP. Andi know what you mean about sort of hurrying to get the words out, I do that too. To the point where I have noticed some people lately who when, in the course of a conversation, will begin telling a story, will say a few words and then pause - to swallow, breathe, for effect etc….and then calmly carry on, because people are listening and waiting.

I could never do this, because people would just jump in over the top of me.

I think a lot of it is, as a pp said, the group dynamic and people jockeying for position.

sometimes somebody will start speaking very softly, yet people listen and give them space to speak. So it’s not about who talks the loudest, it’s about the worth that they attribute to that person and how high up the pecking order they consider them to be.

I am like you OP, fairly confident, not overly brash, not particularly shy. I’m a likeable enough person. But I’m not a queen bee. Therefore in a lot of conversations people just talk over me, to attract the attention of the queen bees, interact with people they see as more “worthy”.

It is a really shitty feeling. I get on well with these women on a one to one basis. But in large groups they just plough over me.

Also noticed it on a work night out recently. I was speaking to a couple of the (male) managing directors and some younger, more junior females joined us. I am marginally more senior than them but the MD’s are obviously way more senior than us all. Anyway, they were tripping over themselves to impress and ended up talking all her each other. I said nothing and just observed as it was interesting to watch, but they didn’t come off well.

It sounds more like you’re around characters who talk over people rather than you being someone who is talked over. I know a few people like this. One is my line manager and she is absolutely lovely, but will just talk over people in the way you describe. People can be a good few words into what they are saying and she just starts talking. She even does it to our MD, so I just know it’s her and not me and I don’t take it personally.

I also have a friend who does it and I used to find it frustrating but now I just deal with it. I’ll either just keep talking and hope they get the hint, or I’ll just concede and and move on.

Next time observe if they do it to other people and if so then you know it’s just their way rather than it being that they specifically talk over you.

My older sister does this to me a lot. I am the youngest - so I think the family narrative comes in there a lot. Every now and again I lose my shit and go ‘I was TALKING!!!’ when she buts in, which stops her momentarily, but not for long and she’ll do it again.
I think it’s a them problem. You sound similar to me, quite normal, not pushy, prone to droning on, and if it’s not happening all the time then I think the problem lies with the other people, not you. Doesn’t stop it being annoying though. Just talk REALLY LOUDLY!

I’ve noticed my friends do this to me too! Once you notice it, you can’t unsee it. My friends are all quite direct characters who like to get their points across whereas I’m a “yellow” go with the flow in conversations and I believe it’s the personalities of the people you’re with as opposed to them thinking what you’re saying isn’t worth listening to. I’ve tried to stand firm and finish my sentences when I can 🤣 but I enjoy listening to their debates on everything and anything so just take it for what it is!

I do think this just tends to happen on groups.

In my friend group, when it’s happened a few times in a row, I’ve turned to one of them and asked “can you see me and hear me? I’m not invisible am I” said in a jokey way but it gets the point across. We are a sarcastic group so no one would be offended by anything.

I agree with this. I feel I get talked over a lot too, therefore I notice when it happens to others and try to create space for them. But I think the people who do the talking over don't appreciate they're doing it. If they did, surely they'd realise how rude it is.

Oh I have a very good friend who does this. She will tell an intricate story with far too much detail, which you politely listen to. You finally get a chance to say something & she'll talk right over you, almost like she can't hear you. You make another attempt & she's talking again over it. I don't feel I can say anything as she is a truly lovely person & would do anything for you. It's just what I see as a weird habit to hog a conversation like that.

Start with the key words not the soft ones. And increase your energy.

Instead of “I have recently discovered…”
go with, “Wild garlic soup! I’ve got a great recipe I just found!”

You can’t do that until you see the dynamic but now you have.

It's really rude to do this.
But you have identified one or two that do it.

With a small smile you can raise a 👆 and say "Jean if I could finish what I was saying ".
Do it a couple of times with thise that do it.

It really is spectacularly rude, you do realise that?

Don't accept it.
It is possible to calmly, but firmly draw attention to it.

Expect them to be surprised, put out and not like it though.

If they are nuce people, they would be embarrassed and quickly adapt.

Was going to post that I talk over people and am very ADHD!! I hate that I do it, and it is for the reason you mention, but I have always - even before diagnosis - told my friends to tell me to shut up because it is me that is being ‘rude’ not them. They do this now, fortunately with a smile/laugh.

ETA just thinking, though, that not everyone who does this is ADHD - I suspect that Covid/lock down and use of devices to communicate (no-one has to shut up if you are having a text convo) mean that as a society the ability to have conversations in group situations seems to be eroding. The skills needed - reading when there is an appropriate pause in the conversation, the look someone gets when they are bored etc - are being lost.

I will try to explain. It is a habit in our family. We all talk over each other. And this is how we learnt to communicate when we were young. If you didn’t nobody listened to you. You literally learnt that you didn’t need to wait for someone to finish what they were saying. You just spoke up.
We were a very noisy family. With wide age ranges. Things calmed down when the oldest two left home. But at any gathering of everyone the noise levels were horrendous.

I only realised when you went round other peoples houses and they were not the same. If nobody tells you it is rude, you don’t know it is.

I have to make a conscious effort not to revert to old communication ways. And to listen better.

If people do this, I suspect they grew up in a house like mine.

Some women babble away like demented kettles and don’t give anyone else a chance to get a word in. I don’t notice this sort of behaviour so much with men.

I have a good friend who is exactly the same. She’s absolutely lovely and has a heart of gold. I wonder if we share the same friend 🙂

I think it happens to everyone and you probably do it to other people too.