To wonder why people talk over me?

[Tressle]

I have only recently started to really notice this, and it makes me recall various times throughout my life when it has also happened.
Just a bit of background - I'm from a stable/happy family, was very well cared for, encouraged and valued as a child and did well in school. I don't have any shyness issues or mental health concerns, and to the best of my knowledge I am a good listener and love communicating with people.

I have recently noticed when in groups of more than 2 people I am often over-talked, usually when I am around 3 words into a sentence. My DH does not do this thankfully, and I am sure he has even begun to notice it happening when we socialise.
For example, we met up with friends yesterday afternoon for coffee/lunch as we do often, and there were 5 of us (male and female) in total, sat in a circle around a small table. Everyone in this group is friendly, but it still seems to happen. You know that relaxed energy when you are chatting with friends on a sunny day, no stress, nice atmosphere....all contributing to talk about local building projects, where one had been on holiday, what soups we love to make, low key stuff.

And I notice that whenever I add something or lean forward to speak, I will get a few words in and someone will just start talking over it, very naturally, almost as if it never happened - which is likely why I have not fully consciously recognised it for so long!
I remember this happening in small groups at various times in the past and am wondering if it is natural to some extent, or whether it's me...or them!

I don't speak too quietly, and am not under confident. As far as I know I am not boring and I don't hog conversations or prattle either.
Oddly enough this is only in social circles, never through work with clients and colleagues or in academic situations. In fact the only place it never happened was at uni/work.

The worst thing is that I have noticed that now, when it happens, I have started to rush my sentence out in effort to be heard before someone overtakes it and I think that's sad.

It is easy to just say people are rude, but I don't know. It isn't just recent, so perhaps a group dynamic, or god knows, maybe I am a bad fit??
Anyone experienced this, and can shine a light on it?

The thing that surprises me about my experience is that no one butts in or is in a hurry to add something. It isn't a timing issue sadly.
It is often after a pause, or a moment of quiet when I begin to talk, and the person will simply talk right over it, casually, just after i begin speaking, as if I was a fly on the table or a leaf in the wind. I think that if I shouted "WOW look over there, it's a flying pig!" it would still happen

I am not loud but I don't talk quietly enough to miss-hear either.
In fact, and I have only just realised this, the woman who did it this week does actually look into my eyes and pays attention as I begin talking so she has definitely seen and heard me! That is pretty bzarre.

Being the quiet person in a lot of groups, not all, but a lot. I have noticed the people who get talked over a lot are those who shut up as soon as they’re interrupted. If you keep talking regardless then eventually people stop interrupting. If you have a sentence to say keep saying it at the same or slightly higher volume and at the same pace you started. It works wonders.

Its not you. People have different communication styles - some hate being talked over (you)and expect everyone to wait their turn to speak one after another, others see an enthusiastic rambling of talking over one another giddily as conversation.

I am the latter as is my husband and all of my friends. The one person who was like you once had a massive go at me for it… I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it. I come from a large family so think that has something to do it.

The people like you hate the people like me. The people like me don’t mean to do it but find the waiting style of conversation boring and difficult.

Ohh. Sorry OP if people don’t acknowledge you are leaving as you say a farewell, they are actually being really dismissive. And consciously ignoring you.

The people like you hate the people like me.

Well, that's bit of a stretch But this is mumsnet..

Hate is a very strong term for something confusing and a bit shit. There's no hatred in my social circle, yet, I hope!

Yes - It happens to me quite often and I'm really tired of it. Usually I phase out the people or group if it happens a couple times. Really, it's their loss. But it's annoying especially for the time and energy I had invested in someone. I think this happens because I was an only child and I'm a good listener. And I have noticed the tendency to rush now when speaking for fear of getting cut off. But be it another person talking or a phone ringing for example, I know that 90% of the conversations I have I'm interupted and not really heard. Honestly some days I just want to take a vow of silence for a while. That's easier thought of than done though. Sometimes people realize they are being rude if I say very little and act disinterested.

Ex DH used to do this to me

I picked a bunch in an urban wooded area recently. Washed it and pureed it with very good olive oil, walnuts, parmigiana, salt, pepper and the zest and juice of a lemon.

Wild garlic pesto, so delicious.

Yes, and I've had to learn to say' excuse me, I'm just going to finish this sentence'. Really annoying.

If DH is there, could he not jump in and ask you to finish what you were saying - both alerting the person who spoke over you about their behaviour and allowing you to make your comment

Could it possible be that everyone talks over people but you just notice it when it happens to you. If not, it could be because you speak quietly or are just not a pushy person.

Another option - wait for the conversation to move on to something else and then when there is a slight pause in conversation blurt out your favourite soup - when they ask what you are talking about point out it has taken this long for you to be heard

Next time she does it, immediately say her name. That draws attention. Then ask her, levelly, if she means to interrupt you, as you have noticed that she does it to you a lot, but not to others. She may not have realised, but it will draw the group's attention even if she did, and reduce the chances that she will continue.

This has happened to me on occasion but, often, if you just keep saying what you were saying and repeating it, the other person will stop overriding you and it will be clear to the group that she has been rudely interrupting. When others catch on, it's more difficult to keep being so rude.

I have problems when speaking in groups because I struggle when to decide to speak or not. And if someone interrupts me and speaks for ages, I'll forget what I was going to say.

Do you have a quiet speaking voice? You might feel internally confident but my theory is people with louder voices basically drown others out.

I think some people have better manners than others .

If you usually wait for someone to finish what they are saying before adding to the conversation, it can be quite off putting when others don't wait for that space and talk across you,

This happens so much to me. But I am a quiet person when I am in a group. I went out recently with colleagues and asked a few questions and some of them completely ignored me! 🙁

Happens to me too. I think it's because I'm not that interesting. I think it does happen to some people more than others, if you speak very slowly it's possible some people get bored or if you take a long time getting to the point.

Yes, I also interrupt because I was brought up like this.

Watch any Spanish TV programme and they all talk over each other so it's a cultural thing in some families/societies.

Yes, it's not the most polite, but conversation is organic. It doesn't necessarily work like a formal meeting.

"It's really rude to do this.
But you have identified one or two that do it.
With a small smile you can raise a 👆 and say "Jean if I could finish what I was saying ".
"

Fine if you're in a meeting. Normal conversations are more organic though. We don't have to wait for the chair to give us the floor, we can intervene when we find something interesting.

It might just be the nature of your voice. A friend of mine has the same experience as you. She is super clever and extremely liked, but basically her voice just doesn't travel at all, it registers as background noise. She laughs it off though.

I think these things happen to everyone but it’s the way you handle it that probably influences whether it continues happening or not. Some people probably shut it down and then others don’t do it again with them, whereas you probably tolerate it so they keep doing it with you

if I’m being honest no one in my personal life does it to me. But in a work context it definitely happens to me. I try to be more assertive and either keep talking/ignore their interruptions, explicitly say can they wait as I haven’t finished my point, let them talk & interrupt them later, passive aggressively ask if there’s technical issues as there seems to be a delay in the call and people are talking over each other etc. People don’t really interrupt me as much now so it seems to be working

Another thing you can do is improve your communication style and be more pithy, some people (not saying this is you necessarily) can take ages to make a point or tell a story, could this be why others are jumping in?

I notice discussion programmes all have people talking over each other now, and the host doesn’t do anything to stop it. It’s annoying and rude, and impossible to know what each person is saying.

I think it's very common now (well in my life anyway) for people to talk and talk and you politely listen with eye contact. Then as soon as you start talking, they start looking around, distracted by something much more important, suddenly realise they have to go or cut you off. I'm really used to it now and know it's not me. I don't enjoy talking to most people because of it haha

🤣🤣🤣 NONSENSE! Men are just as bad!!