To wonder why people talk over me?

[Tressle]

I have only recently started to really notice this, and it makes me recall various times throughout my life when it has also happened.
Just a bit of background - I'm from a stable/happy family, was very well cared for, encouraged and valued as a child and did well in school. I don't have any shyness issues or mental health concerns, and to the best of my knowledge I am a good listener and love communicating with people.

I have recently noticed when in groups of more than 2 people I am often over-talked, usually when I am around 3 words into a sentence. My DH does not do this thankfully, and I am sure he has even begun to notice it happening when we socialise.
For example, we met up with friends yesterday afternoon for coffee/lunch as we do often, and there were 5 of us (male and female) in total, sat in a circle around a small table. Everyone in this group is friendly, but it still seems to happen. You know that relaxed energy when you are chatting with friends on a sunny day, no stress, nice atmosphere....all contributing to talk about local building projects, where one had been on holiday, what soups we love to make, low key stuff.

And I notice that whenever I add something or lean forward to speak, I will get a few words in and someone will just start talking over it, very naturally, almost as if it never happened - which is likely why I have not fully consciously recognised it for so long!
I remember this happening in small groups at various times in the past and am wondering if it is natural to some extent, or whether it's me...or them!

I don't speak too quietly, and am not under confident. As far as I know I am not boring and I don't hog conversations or prattle either.
Oddly enough this is only in social circles, never through work with clients and colleagues or in academic situations. In fact the only place it never happened was at uni/work.

The worst thing is that I have noticed that now, when it happens, I have started to rush my sentence out in effort to be heard before someone overtakes it and I think that's sad.

It is easy to just say people are rude, but I don't know. It isn't just recent, so perhaps a group dynamic, or god knows, maybe I am a bad fit??
Anyone experienced this, and can shine a light on it?

I’ve noticed on social media reels that these “creators” are editing their videos so they are basically talking over the ends of their own sentences!!!

At work/uni, there are rules/HR etc, and people could potentially be in serious trouble if their behaviour (yes, even talking over someone) was construed as bullying, and so people are more likely to watch themselves and others.
In a group, someone might just be more used to getting their way. You say it is one or two people?
So next time, call them on it. If they are decent people, they should stop it. One thing to check though-could they have genuine issues hearing you? Some people can hear certain tones better, so it's not just about sounding confident/speaking loudly.

She’s doing it on purpose.. you can tell by how you described the situation. Fair enough if it’s a hectic fast conversation, but this isn’t the case. There is a natural pause and you want to say something. Next time it happens, do not stop with what you are saying, even if she’s still talking, until you have finished what you wanted to say, and see what happens. No drama, just be firm and don’t let her talk you down.

Oh God, I do. My male colleagues can talk at length about the mundane ins and outs of their lives. I often think 'I've actually got somthing interesting to add here' but I don't bother, as I know it's not really a conversation. I find my female colleagues much better listeners and conversationalists!

I have noticed this as well. Seems to be happening a lot more. Not only in groups but with individuals as well .
Store Assistants, Call Centre Staff and the General Public.

Only they seem to exist in their world

Either they dont really want to listen to you
Or really don't want to talk to you.
They are ignorant, poorly trained and/or dim.

They obviously have no idea, or have ever been taught anything about courtesy and manners

They obviously couldn't care less and are not going to change. But l suppose at least they are being honest.

Give them a wide birth.

@Tressle My best tip for this is to direct your sentence to the person who is interrupting you. Even when your input is a general statement, direct it to that person.

So, let's say Maude has rudely spoken over you. Look Maude in the eye, smile, and say "Oh Maude! (say her name) I'm planning to make an amazing soup recipe tonight! Garlic and mushroom! Have you ever tried garlic and mushroom soup?"

Every time, address her. Subtle at first, and she won't interrupt as it will catch her off guard and she can't interject in her own two-way conversation (between you and her). Each time you do it, it reinforces the behaviour, like tapping a dog lightly on the nose.

Tap that damn dog's nose as many times as you need to.

This is interesting. I often get talked over -I think with some groups/ people it is the Queen bee syndrome -the Qb says she must go now and the whole group start saying their goodbyes, putting their coats on. Whereas you say you must leave early and get up to go and are ignored.
I have a deep voice but without the volume most men have but I am also not too good at telling a story. So a bit boring.
i have a friend who lives alone -when we meet she talks constantly, imv, about the most trivial ‘problems’ in her life but i think she is just offloading - which i don’t mind but she has little interest in my life.

Perhaps there is some envy by the one who talks over you,OP, and they are ‘putting you in your place’.

Fascinating thread.

I’m partially deaf and find overlapping conversations / constant interruptions impossible to manage - even more so as I get older. I tend to spend the time watching the people talking quite closely (what I miss in sound / words can often be compensated in body language etc). My mum and dad have completely different conversation styles - she’s constantly interrupting/ correcting / talking over people 🙄, he waits until people have finished and really listens. It’s probably the thing they argue about most. So I grew up with both models - both my sister and I were interrupters, but we’ve since learned not to be, mostly.

My boss does it - he’s a nervous character and constantly trying to control conversations, so he jumps in to finish sentences 🙄
I have two collègues who have ADHD and they do it all the time - wow it’s annoying but I hold up a hand to stop them. They don’t learn but at least I get to speak.

And a lot of the time I just sit back and let it all wash over me. I was at a book group meet-up - 6 of us, 4 shouting over each other, 2 of us had a quiet conversation together taking turns to speak. I prefer 1-2-1 these days, or polite groups.

This happens to me a lot. It's because people are bored and want to move the conversation on. It happens less when I make a conscious effort to be more succinct & less long long winded in what I'm saying.

Do you pause slightly before starting to speak? Maybe people note the pause, and start to speak just after you have started to speak? Another time it can happen in groups is if one person talks about the topic but doesn't quite take part in the conversation. There is one woman at work who does this. We will all be discussing something and she will ask people to explain something or start talking about something related but not quite what is being discussed. People do interrupt her quite a bit.

Happens to me too. Look up Jefferson fisher he has some great tips for moments like these

If it happens a lot in multiple settings with different people then unfortunately it is you OP. Something about your conversational style? Perhaps you start off too slowly and take a while to get to your point? Perhaps you speak in a way where the relevance of your point isn’t always clear to begin with? It could entirely be down to tone and the way you come across - softly spoken or just a bit too quiet. You say you aren’t boring but your example was about making soups which isn’t exactly the most exciting topic.

This happens to me too. Not so much now as I don’t socialise very often anymore, but it used to happen a lot. Like you I am from a stable family, no particular social anxiety issues, I make friends easily. Yet I would get talked over so my words just ended up fading before I barely started. My sil still does it, annoys the hell out of me as she’s a detail oriented rambler, but I made a choice to let it go as I don’t see her that often.

@OneSparklyWasp that is my sil!!! Annoying isn’t it!

This happens to me pretty much every day. I will be a few words into a sentence and someone will decide whatever they wish to say is more important or interesting so will talk over me. Or if I stop to draw breath someone will jump in and take the conversation in whichever direction they want, leaving my story unfinished or my point only half made. I think sometimes it can happen accidentally because conversations aren’t scripted, but I’ve come to realise that most of the time people just want to dominate the conversation and don’t have the patience to let someone else speak. People tell me I’m quiet but most of the time I just can’t be bothered competing to be heard.

I said this on a thread just the other day op, people don’t get enough actual chat/ conversation now so everyone just ploughs on so they can tell what they want to, it’s bad manners but difficult not to do when caught up in conversation and excited to be talking to someone

I think someone above unconsciously explained why this happens..

The people like me don’t mean to do it but find the waiting style of conversation boring and difficult.

A lot of people don’t seem to get that good conversation is comprised of two elements, talking and listening. The ‘waiting to talk’ bit should actually be the ‘listening to other contributions to the conversation’ bit - but many people are much better talkers than they are listeners, and regard the bits when they aren’t talking as dead time while they wait to talk again.

Social media has made this much, much worse - just look at any thread where people post the same point over and over again, or reiterate a mistaken or offensive opinion or conclusion despite numerous previous posts explaining why it’s erroneous or offensive. Nearly everyone jumps on and adds to the ‘conversation’, but very few take anything new away from it.

So quiet listeners are appreciated in gatherings as useful recipients of ‘conversation’ - but less appreciated when they try to actually speak, and force other bad listeners into ‘waiting mode.’

I know someone like this. Lovely woman but you can never get to the end of a sentence before she's talking over you.

The people like me don’t mean to do it but find the waiting style of conversation boring and difficult.

But if you aren't listening to what the other person has to say and letting them finish their sentence, then it's not actually a conversation. It's a monologue - either in your head as you think what you're going to say quickly next, or coming out of your mouth. Do you find it 'boring and difficult' to listen to what other people are saying? Your friends? Family? Children?

One thing which has changed imv - is talking fast - people seem to think that rattling off their view or take on something must be done at top speed as, obviously, they are very busy and important.

I get annoyed when the radio features people like that. You have hardly grasped one point when they've gone on to the next.

This has contributed to the not listening in conversation i should think.

If you listen to the older journalists - Jeremy Bowen, Lyse Doucet, Kate Adie, who enunciate clearly and speak slowly you can see how things have changed

Whe I was a (mature) postgrad and my prof used to hold meetings for his Ph.D students I was the only female. There was one guy who often used to talk over me and interrupt. He was about 10 years younger than I. One day after he had done so several times I held up my hands and said "STOP" very loudly to bring all conversation to a halt. I then said "Keith thats three times in a row youve interrupted or talked over me. Dont do it again".

He probably called me a bitch behind my back but he never did it again.

I worked with academics for decades and I’m married to one, I was an academic librarian and ran a departmental library.

You may use ‘too many words’ and take a long time when you do talk DH does it often. You may be unaware of it or maybe it doesn’t happen at all but I have met many academics who do this over the years. If this person has a low tolerance of that kind of talking style and also isn’t keen on you that will be why she does it.

At work it’s unprofessional to cut across people, if it had been acceptable I would have interrupted many of my colleagues and tell them they needed to get to the point.

I was going to say does the person who does it have ADHD? I find it honestly excruciating sometimes waiting for people to finish their point. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to others I just feel as though I already got it and no more words are necessary. I AM interested in what they are saying as I am burning to respond. I used to get told off a lot when much younger for it and I now have trained myself out of doing it but I do really still want to and more relaxed settings with a few people are the worst temptation.

I think this happens to everyone. It's not you, it's the ignorant people around you. That soup sounds lush.

s I just feel as though I already got it and no more words are necessary.

And what if you haven’t ‘got it’? So you go off on a tangent, or you haven’t picked up on what the person actually wants you to hear? My colleagues who do this are always missing the point 🙄 they assume they know what’s coming and start talking before others have finished. It’s very tiring having to stop them and say ‘no, that’s not what I’m saying - please listen and let me finish’ all the time.

They do have ADHD.

That’s why I trained myself not to do it because I know it’s annoying. It is hard work to restrain the impulse. Kind of like physically sitting on your hands. Teams meetings are a bit better. The hand up and mute thing delays me from doing it.