To wonder why people talk over me?

[Tressle]

I have only recently started to really notice this, and it makes me recall various times throughout my life when it has also happened.
Just a bit of background - I'm from a stable/happy family, was very well cared for, encouraged and valued as a child and did well in school. I don't have any shyness issues or mental health concerns, and to the best of my knowledge I am a good listener and love communicating with people.

I have recently noticed when in groups of more than 2 people I am often over-talked, usually when I am around 3 words into a sentence. My DH does not do this thankfully, and I am sure he has even begun to notice it happening when we socialise.
For example, we met up with friends yesterday afternoon for coffee/lunch as we do often, and there were 5 of us (male and female) in total, sat in a circle around a small table. Everyone in this group is friendly, but it still seems to happen. You know that relaxed energy when you are chatting with friends on a sunny day, no stress, nice atmosphere....all contributing to talk about local building projects, where one had been on holiday, what soups we love to make, low key stuff.

And I notice that whenever I add something or lean forward to speak, I will get a few words in and someone will just start talking over it, very naturally, almost as if it never happened - which is likely why I have not fully consciously recognised it for so long!
I remember this happening in small groups at various times in the past and am wondering if it is natural to some extent, or whether it's me...or them!

I don't speak too quietly, and am not under confident. As far as I know I am not boring and I don't hog conversations or prattle either.
Oddly enough this is only in social circles, never through work with clients and colleagues or in academic situations. In fact the only place it never happened was at uni/work.

The worst thing is that I have noticed that now, when it happens, I have started to rush my sentence out in effort to be heard before someone overtakes it and I think that's sad.

It is easy to just say people are rude, but I don't know. It isn't just recent, so perhaps a group dynamic, or god knows, maybe I am a bad fit??
Anyone experienced this, and can shine a light on it?

I do this all the time, someone will be talking and I find myself desperately wanting to share something that pops into my head and cutting across them, I suspect I am undiagnosed neurodivergent, but people made me aware I do it and now I try very hard to let others speak, often biting my tongue and waiting for the appropriate moment to share. I don’t think it’s malicious or a conscious decision, nothing you are doing wrong, it’s a compulsion, maybe they don’t realise they are doing it. I appreciate that people told me so I can try harder

I think a lot of people talk over others when the conversation is lively and moving along quickly, especially with people they know well.
If you were genuinely going to say the thing about the wild garlic soup and that's the exact way you were going to say it, then I think your communication style is somewhat...odd.

I’m someone who talks over people. I’m aware of it and I try really hard not to. I’m not sure why I do it. My brother tells me to shut it quite often when we all get together, I can say it’s not the other person’s fault so don’t worry about it op. It’s the fault of the person who buts in. 😁

I do this 50% of the time & it annoys the hell out of me but in my family we all talked over each other & if you didn’t get to say what you needed to say in the moment it passed & you never got to say it. If I do interrupt tho I do say to whoever was talking sorry, carry on with what you were saying 😬
Totally get it’s annoying tho

My husband does this to everyone and it makes me mad..my 20 year old son started saying "aaahhh" really loud when he does it

Those women are not your friends.

It has happened to me on occasion.

I’m on the other side of this and have realised now someone’s pointed it out how much I try to speak over people. For me, I can only explain it as being over excited in a conversation and that my little brain feels like it has something so significant to add that it tells my mouth to blurt it out. I’ve really had to train myself to try not to do it but it’s hard. I equally realise it can be perceived as rude and I feel awful for whichever conversation I try to do it on. The worse thing is if I try and concentrate on a group conversation I then no longer focus on the conversation itself as I’m too engrossed in trying to tell myself to keep quiet. I genuinely feel it’s an art to maintain not jumping in.

I believe it is a by-product of video conferencing such as Zoom or Teams, spurred on through remote working in lockdown and beyond. The natural cues to let someone into a conversation in a room are not as obvious in a video call therefore the person who wants to get in often has to interrupt, overtalk or grab a space in talking. That also leads to another scenario where people have learnt to talk without gap for a longer time for fear of not being able to make all their points without interruption if they don't. I consciously try to stop doing this out of work, however I don't always remember.

Great tips, and interesting stuff to think about, likely is a mix of group dynamics, generally, and some past history too, for all of us.

Someone mentioned my sentence about soup was odd? Perhaps it doesn't translate well in text. It was more of a moderately excited "hey!, I've found this new recipe we are going to try .." Not odd at all. Conversation should flow pretty naturally, and it usually does.

BUT!
I have been thinking, and when this happens it isn't when people are animated and all trying to speak at once. It's actually chilled and really relaxed, at a slow pace, so the talking over me is quite strange as it often comes during a pause, so it's quite obvious and a bit demeaning.

A few comments here made me wonder if the people who do it simply don't really like me. That's fair enough and just life I suppose. It now has me thinking about the people who did it this week, and there is definitely a sense of something perhaps...slightly off?
A PP mentioned telling the woman that I was in the middle of speaking, and now that I think about it that would not go down well at all! It has made me realise things that I hadn't thought about before, that the two of us are very different, have had different life experiences and upbringing, so many contributing possibilities, and it is likely she finds me irritating, for whatever reason, and it's not worth worrying about. In this situation, I will just observe and leave it be.

I mean, in a relaxed convo in a quiet cafe, we shouldn't have to game, restructure or rejig our sentence structure to be heard by someone a mere foot away. If someone talks over you when you are three words in, it's just pretty strange and you can't dress it up as a natural error tbh.
I would consider this if the conversation was fast paced and animated but it wasn't. There are lots of pauses, so no one is in a rush to but in.

Worth adding that in my case it isn't an ADHD or queen bee situation at all. It is very, very subtle, which is prob why I was so slow to recognise it.

When I left the cafe that afternoon, I had to nip to the post office before the others left, and on getting myself together (coat, bag and things) I said a cheery goodbye to everyone and two of them just began talking to each other and didn't even look up. I dare say it is slightly rude, but it feels more like I am simply insignificant. Not worth worrying about, but definitely difficult to unsee once seen!

This happens to me all the time in work whether on zoom or in person. At any point in my sentence not just at the start.

The awareness that I was even talking is so utterly zero that I often message a colleague/friend to check my microphone is working.

I'm just totally invisible.

I do work with mainly Americans though so that might have something to do with it 😂

This happens to me, even my dh does it to me in company and I kill him. When he talks people listen, he’s charismatic and good with people. That’s why I always prefer seeing friends 1-2-1.

I think id view them as not particularly good friends? Ok to hang out with if you are bored at a party etc but they don’t sound your people. Nothing wrong with that - find the ones that make you feel listened to - that are interested in you whatever your volume or delivery

Someone mentioned my sentence about soup was odd? Perhaps it doesn't translate well in text. It was more of a moderately excited "hey!, I've found this new recipe we are going to try .." Not odd at all. Conversation should flow pretty naturally, and it usually does.

That's worded completely differently from what you originally said, though.

I cant recall the exact words, who does? I am relating a tale on MN and there was nothing odd about my sentence structure. It needn't get this deep, so let's just leave it there.

I’d love your recipe please! Sounds delicious.

Yes happens to me too, particularly with one or two certain friends. In fact with one friend Im lucky if I ever get a word in edgeways!

I don’t think your soup comment sounded odd, you were all chatting about soup and you wanted to share a new recipe, totally normal. But that is exactly the type of conversation where I would inevitably get talked over!

it wasn’t odd at all. Ignore it.

This happens all the time to me at work. I've given up trying to repeat myself after being talked over and just sit quietly until everyone has shut up. It's quite fun when I've attempted to say something like "Sorry, we can't do that on Monday with it being an bank holiday" and left them to prattle on coming up with a whole rota for that day to finally get my chance at the end when I come in and say "As I was saying earlier, that isn't going to work because the bank is shut...."

I have noticed this in groups. I find it helps if my contribution is a question rather than an opinion.

I have a hyper friend and when we meet I am conscious that it’s for her to ‘download’ which I am of course fine about but when it is my turn to share and she cuts me off or dismisses my news so she can get back to downloading then it’s tedious. Her best one recently was when we were walking along a high street she was on the road side and I was telling her some news and she physically cut across me to declare a nice house in an estate agents window so verbally and physically interrupted me. Maybe I was talking too much - I shared a family trauma with her once and she suggested I was ruminating (ie shut up - I don’t want to listen).

Yes. The only behaviour you can control here is your own. There's little point in fulminating about how other people shouldn't do this, however true it is. You either actively tell them to stop interrupting you, or you take steps to make yourself less interruptible.

We used fresh wild garlic ( a rare spring treat), potatoes (any kind), a LOT of chestnut mushrooms and a small amount of pearl barley.

Cook the mushrooms thoroughly first then set aside. I cook barley in a separate pan then add it to the soup 10 mins before finish. I blend the soup before adding the mushrooms and barley as don't want them pulverised!

Fry the soup base with onion, garlic and celery, then add the torn up wild garlic leaves and chopped potatoes with 500ml stock (or bone broth), add your fave herbs and spices (I used paprika, oregano, basil, rosemary, a splash of balsamic or soy sauce, sometimes cumin or fennel seeds, a bay leaf) then bring to boil.

Simmer for 20 mins or so, add more stock/water depending on size of soup and personal preference for thickness, simmer again and then blend lightly with a hand blender (not too much, just to break spuds down).
When that is done add in the mushrooms & barley ten mins prior to serving.

I served with a bit of cream cheese swirled in the middle and a sprinkle of seeds.
It was lovely. I am a mad soup lover. Some slightly toasted sourdough with any topping goes really well with it. If you prefer to add meat, chicken chunks would be great.

EDIT to add, I would add the spices and dried herbs to the initial fried base before adding stock, usually. Take bay leaf out before serving.

@Tressle - your post really got me thinking and I have realised that a specific group of my DH's friends do the same to me - one woman in particular even told me once that the thing I was talking about was utter rubbish and didn't even give me a chance to explain further.

It is just rude behaviour on their part and we shouldn't let such people make us feel insignificant. But as you say, it's not worth worrying about.

I have a similar issue. what i recognise is that I will allow people to fully finish before I start speaking but others jump right in. So im left waiting . It happens a lot. I cant get the timing right so I give up as I dont want to cut people of myself but others cut me off as im about to talk

Yes, I think this is probably very common going off this thread!
And perhaps just another element of the unspoken 'social contract'...we may expect fair treatment but we can't expect everyone to like us or match our personality style. Whilst some of these examples seem pretty rude to me, everyone has a different take on what that even means, up to a point.
Unless it's pointedly very rude, it's pointless to get too snowflakey about it.

If I were to blank someone or openly ridicule them then we would all agree that my behaviour was inappropriate, but I think certain rudenesses (over-talking, butting in) can be a bit more nuanced and subtle, more perplexing and open to interpretation (ADHD, social anxiety, etc).
I do suspect that a couple of these people simply don't jive with me, and some of that might be unconscious, who knows. It does have the effect of making you feel insignificant, a bit shit, but not worth taking to heart unless it is a very close friend.