SHE LEAVES GAS ON REPEATEDLY FOR YEARS

[heygirlsitsme]

Hey guys I am asking about a close relative

what the hell could this be??

they for decades have been leaving gas on like every month, every few months. Sometimes even few times a week.

their daughter has bad ocd because she remembers since age 13 having to check gas after her

and it’s not just gas. Hot tools, plugged in iron, fire on.

like person living with them comes home, no one is home, that woman left for work and gas is on.

30 years they nearly burned down staff kitchen room in old workplace

when you tell them off about it they go, oh yes, sorry. Sorry. I’ll be more careful. Or quietly nod. But they keep doing same thing.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to double check and be more careful if you know this about yourself.

what the hell could this be. I am starting to wonder if this is done on purpose because it’s so ridiculous

What are earth are you on about??

this woman is a close relative. Think aunt, sister in law

they are kids involved. Think my nieces, cousins.

(trying not to be too identifying online)

one being disabled and other a vulnerable adult.

their mental health is greatly suffering being around this woman and they can’t leave. I’m trying to help

since her behavior is not exactly considered abuse I’m trying to get her mental help

and to answer your question my parents haven’t spoken to her in years

This is the same MIL as the one posted earlier that won’t learn any English I take it?

Do you usually let yourself into people's houses and unilaterally change their cooking arrangements?

If they are a danger to themselves and people they live with, hell yes

it should be done!!!

Is English not your first language?

Why not just ask them why they do it? In a curious way? Not in a shaming way. Are they even aware? Is there a reason they do it? How would they feel if a loved one did that all the time? Are they aware of the risks? Are they not worried about the environmental and financial impact?

no it’s not

A lot of what you've written in the thread is common with autism, difficulties showing empathy, inappropriate reactions to emotion, difficulties regulating her own emotions, not taking criticism well (RSD) not doing what people tell her to (PDA). Not fully recognising and appreciating risk. 'Spiky Profile' excelling in some areas but really struggling in other areas.

I'm not so sure that mh support is whats needed here @heygirlsitsme . If your relative has capacity, which it sounds as though she does, you could perhaps work with her to make the house safer- smoke detectors, alarms/timers, a modern hob where the gas automatically shuts off when the burners not lit, timers and alarms. But she'll need to agree.

“The way they want want to live”

what way is that? Endangering their life and lives of their room mates??

Well if you are in the UK it's illegal. Its nice you want to help but she's managed this long without you so perhaps try working with her. Or if your cousins/nieces are under age or lack capacity themselves you can call Social Services or Adult Social Care for advice (again, if you are in the UK).

hmm this interesting…

she seems very chatty and outgoing though with strangers and people,
life of party, and makes friends easily wherever she goes (though she never keeps them) which is why i thought it can’t be autism

But I have also noticed (and someone else did too) that sometimes the way she acts feels…unnatural. Fake. Theatrical and exaggerated. Like bad acting.

I wonder if that’s like masking

I will definitely look into this

Endangering their life and lives of their room mates??

"Room mates"? So not a relative/aunt or any of the rest of your tacked on back-story...

If lives are being endangered then call the police or social services. But if as I suspect it is your sibling, and you should be doing your homework, then you really need to wind your neck in.

It does sound deliberate, is she actively trying to burn the house down? I would get the local fire brigade to pay her a visit, they can frame it as if they're visiting the neighbourhood.

You do know relatives can be room mates too right? Being related to someone doesn’t stop you being room mates

also she had non related relatives, they left because they felt their lives were endangered

I did. Many, many times

all these questions.

they just keep going idk. Idk. I’ll be more careful. Idk. Fine, ok. I’ll be more careful. Yes I know it’s dangerous. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am just so not careful and careless. I’ll be careful

like a broken record

like talking to a wall

Yeah, I'm a teacher, have been for 23 years. Got diagnosed with autism and ADHD 2 years ago! I have noooooo short term memory

Are you drunk?

You can be very chatty etc and the life and soul when adhd and autism are combined. So AuDHD.

I definitely agree with others that she sounds very anxious, which is why she is so reactive. It seems aggressive and nasty, but usually from a place of fear. And as has been mentioned she lacks insight and understanding for what she’s doing and therefore doesn’t want help or to change.

Can I suggest an alarm set on their phone for 10 minutes before they are due to leave the house, with a checklist of items to ensure are turned off? Object impermanence is so real.

I'm pretty much the same too. I'm quite highly motivated in lots of ways, but extremely absent minded in others. I'm sure it's definitely a trait of something like ADHD, but I've never been diagnosed.

I'm just driving my poor DH mad over the years as he is the usually organised and efficient one - I'm the absolute opposite 🙃 😅

Severe ADHD? My in-laws have ADHD and it’s incredible how the combination of nurture and nature in my BIL has resulted in someone who is so oblivious to stuff.

that or an addiction, eg alcohol or tramadol, so they’re not quite “with it”. My MiL also has the tramadol addiction in addition to the ADHD. Insanely difficult to be in the same house as her.

"non related relatives" is my new fave

Mine too. Hehe.

As others have said it sounds a lot like severe inattentive ADHD combined with Autism with a Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profile, maybe combined with depression or some other mental health condition.
The lying on the couch could be caused by mental exhaustion and overwhelm from masking all day at work. She'll be getting little hits of dopamine from continuously scrolling on her phone, which will make her feel good, a bit like an addiction.
On the smirking and lack of empathy when other people are upset, there's something called "equalising" in PDA where the PDA person has an overwhelming need to be "right" and "win" over another person in a stressful situation to make themselves feel in control. If the PDA person has done something wrong, the need to equalise often makes them be unnecessarily mean and harsh to make the other person "lose".
On the leaving the gas on and acting like she doesn't care, it'll be the ADHD making her forget and the PDA making her to refuse to accept any judgement of her behaviour and refuse to accept any demand to change. In my experience PDA people tend to blame everyone else or act as if normal expectations are unreasonable.
I don't have a lot of advice other than focus on helping their children and stay away from this person until they decide to change. I am low contact with the person in my life who is like this. You can't argue or convince someone with PDA. You have to wait for them to get self awareness and for them to seek help. My person is in their 80s and I'm still waiting.