To wonder if intense attraction can be one-sided?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

There’s a guy I see now and again through work (although we don’t work together or for the same company). I don’t know him well but I’m insanely attracted to him, my legs go like jelly and I actually get shaky when I’m anywhere near him. I do manage to keep my cool around him thank god and we’ve had a few nice but brief chats. He’s managed to drop into the conversation he’s single (in a very natural way). I’m single too and I feel this intensely powerful energy between us whenever we’re in close proximity to each other. In your experience, can this energy be one-sided and he be completely oblivious or is it usually a mutual energy coming from the connection between both people? Or am I imagining it?

It can be one sided but he told you he’s single so I think that means he likes you! Not always a good idea to start something with a guy at work though.

Just a warning that even if he does find you attractive, it doesn't mean he is looking for the same thing as you. 'Chemistry' or connection or whatever doesn't always mean the same thing to men as it does to women

Do you mean limerence?! 😀😀😀😀😀 (Am amusing myself this evening)

It can absolutely be one-sided. Stalkers being the most extreme example.

I think it’s helpful to have rules. My rule is I don’t ask I guy out ever. My reasoning is if he’s interested enough he’ll ask me, if he’s too shy or lacks confidence I wouldn’t be interested long-term anyway, lack of confidence is a turn-off for me in a partner. I’ll flirt and hint I’m interested but I’m never going to ask. Thing is we haven’t even talked for long enough yet to get to the flirty banter stage, all our interactions are very brief and all there’s time for usually, is chat about setting things up for work events (think setting up a photoshoot and he’s the photographer and I’m the set designer- not that but v. similar). There’s people rushing around everywhere and I generally have to rush off at the end. But my question wasn’t so much how to ask him out, I’m not even thinking about that yet, I’m just curious really about whether this intense energy could be something I’m projecting onto him and mistaking for two-way chemistry or whether if one person feels chemistry it means it’s there for both people. I know no one can really tell me, I’m just interested to hear other people’s experiences

It’s hard to pick I think it can be one-sided sometimes but sometimes more. I used to have a manager that had a way about him that made him stand out. I imagine my heart wasn’t the only one fluttering about when he came by.

I noticed he had more of a two-way connection with other women at my work. Not because they were having an affair but it was some kind of mutual chemistry and they clicked better in conversations. Never with me. I’ve never had this two-way chemistry from the get-go with anyone in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone think that way about me.

DH and I got to know each other first and then it was a different kind of energy that grew not this chemistry/spark that people feel like an electric current when together.

This is why you don’t just ask him outright on a date but suggest something with a group or with plausible deniability that it was a date scenario should he be uninterested (like we need to discuss x,y,z about work but what a beautiful day let’s do over a coffee over the road etc).

Once alone you will get the measure of the interaction and know for sure if he’s flirting and it will flow from there!

But all those ‘rules’ could just as easily apply to you. If you were interested enough, you’d ask him out. If you are too shy or too lacking in confidence to ask him out, that would be a turn off for him, because he wouldn’t fancy a woman with no self-confidence. .

Of course it can. Lecherous old men are often extremely attracted to beautiful young women and it’s not returned. It’s your hormones acting upon you.

Yes, of course it can be one-sided. It can also not be one-sided. You aren't going to know unless you ask him out. So ask him out.

I know, but I’m unwilling to run the risk of getting rejected, even if the alternative might be the best relationship in the world with an amazing man. I know not everyone would agree with that but that’s just how I am. If I’m honest I want to be with a man who has the confidence to ask a woman out. It’s not that I think it’s the man’s job, but I want a man who does see it as his job. Everyone is different though and I think it’s great when women ask men out, but it’s just not for me.

"some people for example are extremely attractive and loads of people will be going jelly legged around them"

But isn't it more about chemistry than what they look like? OTOH some people are very flirtatious, potentially leading to loads of people believing they have chemistry with that person.

Just suggest coffee or drink at lunchtime or when you leave work. Or trip to bookshop to buy your dad a birthday present, play dumb about he’d like as a man, ask for his advice. Or diy shop (Robert dyas) ask his advice.

Those old men don't genuinely think there's chemistry between them and the young women, though, even if they claim there is sometimes.

If you ask him out it’s not like you see him every day so you can play it cool if it doesn’t go as planned.

Yes, it can be one sided in my experience. I had a 'love at first sight' for someone, the most intense attraction I've ever felt. My legs nearly gave way the second I saw him. We also got on like a house on fire, made each other laugh etc. He didn't feel any of the huge attraction/electricity and I could never understand it. We had absolutely mind blowing sex, but I wasn't girlfriend material!

It can also be mutual I'm sure. Just ask him to go for a coffee, maybe he's shy too?

Of course they do! Many men are completely deluded

Yes it can be one sided and if not wanted harassment

But why should it always be up to the man to ask? Why cant women have the self confidence to do it?

Yes it can be one sided.

But ask him out.

"He didn't feel any of the huge attraction/electricity and I could never understand it. We had absolutely mind blowing sex, but I wasn't girlfriend material!"

Sounds like maybe he did feel the electricity, but didn't want anything serious.

I'm ugly. Let me tell you that attraction ABSOLUTELY can be one sided if you aren't beautiful. I've lost count of the number of men I've got wobbly over who have looked straight through me to my better looking friends.

(I've had my share though, but always with men who've been friends first and have therefore seen beyond looks).

Ask him for coffee or lunch. That's not properly "asking him out", but gives you both a chance to see if there's a spark, and lets him know you like spending time with him. If he's interested, he'll ask you out.

”Rules”. I have a friend who also had rigid rules about this stuff. She’s 43, single and cant understand why. She is genuinely devastated about it. I could shake her, to be honest.

Sometimes, you need to take control and make stuff happen. Don’t just sit around and wait for things to fall into your lap.

I think attraction can definitely be one-sided and agree with the posters who say that flirting etc can be something very different to men than it is to women.

I also agree that if he’s interested enough he will ask you out OP. Yes there are some women who report success by taking the lead, but I wouldn’t risk my dignity. But there’s no harm in hinting at an open door …

Yo Bob, I'm going Nero in a bit, wanna come and grab a latte? No dignity lost.

Yes babe I love a frappuccino.

Nice one Bob. I might let you have a bit of my cookie if you ask nicely.

Boom. Touchdown.