MIL 23 years in uk doesn’t speak a word of English!!!!!!!

[Aidensmum123]

Am I right to find this crazy and infuriating!

when I say doesn’t speak a word of English, i don’t mean her English I bad.

I almost literally mean won’t speak a word of English!!

other than ok, maybe, good, bye, hi.

oh and she can’t do basic stuff like use email, use banking, etc

its absolutely insane.

now, I usually won’t care as not my business, but she has been forcing me, her daughter and my husband to constantly translate for her and do admin work for her. Before us, it was her ex.

this takes sometimes HOURS!!!!!

FOR YEARS.

appointments, online shopping, tax returns, banking, etc etc etc etc

when we are out it’s constantly what did he say, what did she say

calls and text everyday, make appointment for me, I need to buy this online, I need to send this email etc etc

It got to point recently she began shoving phone in our face, do this.

we showed how to use google translate and translate page she still insists she can’t work computer and do any of this.

She is treating us like her personal secretary.

(her sibling same age who lived in uk 10 years speaks English and she was housewife for 12 years to well off man she could of learned then)

I had enough and stopped but my husband and his sister can’t because she is their mum.

like “oh she’ll get in trouble if she doesn’t pay this on time! Or this appointment is very important for her health! It’ll just be quick”

my husband signed her up for English classes she would skip them. He said he will only help if she tries learning English 10 minutes a day. She got very angry and began yelling at him fine!!! Fine!

Her sister who lives with her confirmed she isn’t. She watches tv and YouTube all day on couch in her free time.

we realise this is our fault to enabling this so we decided to set boundaries.

we confronted her about this and said either you will learn English or you will pay us or hire someone for your services. We have been enabling you and please understand this cannot continue. This takes up a lot of our time. We feel used.

She then tells if we do this, she will cut contact with the grandkids and my sister in law disabled son!!! And they will never see her again.

she hasn’t spoken to them in months how and the kids are upset asking why and they want to see her.

the grandkids love her so much.

am I right to be very disgusted by all this.

sorry I’m just so annoyed and ranting

Oh forgot to add

whats extra bizarre is she has an English passport!

so she somehow passed life in uk test???

she says the lady had to tell her son she passed because she didn’t understand what the lady was saying

Well thats bollocks for a start! If she can pass that then she has a far better command of the language than she claims.

She just likes keeping her kids running around her, I am 100% set on laziness now.

How old is she, I asked earlier but you didn’t comment?

65

I couldn’t quite work it out.
You said she had been a primary teacher for 40 years, so 22(ish) when she qualified and has lived here for 23 years.

Clearly, if she hasn’t spoken any English in her 23 years here, she wasn’t a primary teacher here.

40+22+26 =88?

This. I knew a Vietnamese Chinese family and the grandmother and parents couldn’t speak English so asked their kids to translate for them. But that’s a totally different language and alphabet to eg Russian. Your mil if she’s passed the test is just being lazy and likes her kids running around after her.

A colleague's mother has been in the UK for 55 years and can't speak a word of English, exactly as you describe, literally not a word. AFAICT she barely leaves the house.

I mean why help her all this time and stop when she actually needs help at 65?
Many people can speak a language but have anxiety, I have an auntie in law who can understand her kids when they speak English but is nervous of authority and is terrified of making mistakes so she hates doing any admin.
And she's not wrong, she makes mistakes, also she struggles to understand certain accents, and people struggle to understand her accent which makes her lose her confidence.
I bet your mil does speak English but has anxiety, especially considering she's so competent in her language and country, it's quite humbling when you come to a foreign country and perhaps people think that you're uneducated.
Anyway, she's kinda old now
Patience

I assume the op didn't want to start a debate that makes the racists crawl out from their holes. How does it matter what language it is? Would it make a difference if it was French or German rather than Urdu or Bengali?

This woman sounds unwell

Yabu - she is old and needs caring for - not all disabilities are visible

you shouldn't be allowed to live here unless your prepared to learn the language.
yanbu OP.. Sounds very draining and time consuming.

I've known more than a few women from other countries who could not speak a word of English after decades here. Some of their male relatives were rather proud of this - it showed that the women were protected, 'looked after' by the men in their families, and didn't 'need' to learn English. At home, their TV channels were in their own language, and their doctor, dentist spoke their language, shops in their areas sell produce from their own countries. The only time they need to speak English is to converse with English people and they don't have much of an interest in doing this. I rather got the impression that the men actually didn't want their womenfolk to speak English; assimilation wasn't something they aspired to, and they protected their separateness.

But I was surprised a few years ago, when in hospital for a few weeks, that there was an woman of about eighty, from Somalia, who couldn't even ask for water. Her daughters were always with her and they said that her mum had been in the UK for forty six years.

Doesn't it just go to show how isolated they must be to not have picked up basic phrases or words like "water" or "milk" over literally decades of living here? That level of isolation is really sad.

Yes. It's very lazy 😞

Actually you’re right here. I’ve got a Cypriot ex boyfriend and his mum doesn’t speak much English at all. I think she understands it more though. Her DH (now dead) I think spoke some English but mostly worked with Cypriots so no need really. Their children all speak English and translate for their mum. TV at home is in Greek on Greek channels. Church Greek Orthodox.

Ditto as above but Turkish Cypriot. The mum didn’t speak any English and her husband always accompanied her to appointments. She’s lived here over 50 years. I was shocked when I found out
and quite sad at the life she lived always reliant on someone else. Although she did live in a Turkish Cypriot bubble in the UK and my colleagues friends are all Turkish Cypriot. A lovely close knit community but quite isolating to all things British.

I think it’s dangerous too because what if they are home alone for example and need to call 999? Medical emergency, fire etc?

I think it’s dangerous too because what if they are home alone for example and need to call 999? Medical emergency, fire etc?

I don’t understand people like this but there are loads of them. A close friend’s parents moved to Spain over 20 years ago and still have just enough Spanish to order a beer.

The problem is your MIL is being enabled by family. My friend’s mother was like this and when her father died her and her siblings refused to continue to be her translator. So she was forced to improve her English. Plus she needed to be able to speak to her grandchildren.

She is not amazing (given she started old) but her English is reasonable. She would likely still need a translator in a court or serious medical context to ensure she fully grasped everything.

Edit: I realise I got that wrong. She started learning when her husband was still alive. He collapsed at home and she realised she could not call emergency services and could barely make herself understood to a neighbour.

The children two of whom both live with her have had jobs in non Greek speaking companies. Her youngest son lives independently and works for a non Greek speaking company. Education was a challenge for them all though according to the youngest son. They all attended Greek school.

Honestly though this level of dependency would infuriate me. I cannot stand adult women who are this helpless.

Because the language isn’t relevant.

I wish you had not said as it’s completely irrelevant.

I know. I thought people were just curious. I shouldn’t have, agree it’s completely irrelevant.

As someone who moved to Wales 2 decades ago and still can’t speak Cymraeg I have some sympathy. I try but I am abysmal at it. My DD is bilingual and I feel embarrassed but I think learning things that you don’t have a flair for when you’re older can be really hard. I can have basic conversation but it’s tricky. I envy people who have the confidence to learn other languages.

but, obviously YNBU to be at the end of your patience with it.