MIL 23 years in uk doesn’t speak a word of English!!!!!!!

[Aidensmum123]

Am I right to find this crazy and infuriating!

when I say doesn’t speak a word of English, i don’t mean her English I bad.

I almost literally mean won’t speak a word of English!!

other than ok, maybe, good, bye, hi.

oh and she can’t do basic stuff like use email, use banking, etc

its absolutely insane.

now, I usually won’t care as not my business, but she has been forcing me, her daughter and my husband to constantly translate for her and do admin work for her. Before us, it was her ex.

this takes sometimes HOURS!!!!!

FOR YEARS.

appointments, online shopping, tax returns, banking, etc etc etc etc

when we are out it’s constantly what did he say, what did she say

calls and text everyday, make appointment for me, I need to buy this online, I need to send this email etc etc

It got to point recently she began shoving phone in our face, do this.

we showed how to use google translate and translate page she still insists she can’t work computer and do any of this.

She is treating us like her personal secretary.

(her sibling same age who lived in uk 10 years speaks English and she was housewife for 12 years to well off man she could of learned then)

I had enough and stopped but my husband and his sister can’t because she is their mum.

like “oh she’ll get in trouble if she doesn’t pay this on time! Or this appointment is very important for her health! It’ll just be quick”

my husband signed her up for English classes she would skip them. He said he will only help if she tries learning English 10 minutes a day. She got very angry and began yelling at him fine!!! Fine!

Her sister who lives with her confirmed she isn’t. She watches tv and YouTube all day on couch in her free time.

we realise this is our fault to enabling this so we decided to set boundaries.

we confronted her about this and said either you will learn English or you will pay us or hire someone for your services. We have been enabling you and please understand this cannot continue. This takes up a lot of our time. We feel used.

She then tells if we do this, she will cut contact with the grandkids and my sister in law disabled son!!! And they will never see her again.

she hasn’t spoken to them in months how and the kids are upset asking why and they want to see her.

the grandkids love her so much.

am I right to be very disgusted by all this.

sorry I’m just so annoyed and ranting

My sister thinks it’s laziness.

she doesn’t feel like she needs to because she always had someone translate for her and thinks others will translate and do stuff for her forever

The trouble is it's been so long now that the barrier is enormous. I agree it's insane to have lived in a country for over two decades and be unable to even get by in the native language though. My main concern would probably be that she's completely unable to advocate for herself in an emergency. I don't think you can really force someone to learn a language, but you can definitely de-prioritise helping her.

Bingo! Exactly the same as the person I’m thinking of.

Drop the rope!

If she is watching UK tv then she understands English and probably could get by, but she wont as its easier for you to do it for her. So by claiming she doesnt understand English she doesnt have to learn how to use banking etc, doesnt have to do her taxes, all her life admin is taken care of.

Not buying that she cant, she just wont.

My friend’s mum was like this. Needed her kids for medicals, legals, etc.

Wild, and that was after 25 years.

She used to sit in the garage when we went round to play.

She watches tv in her language.

we told her to watch some English tv for at least 10 minutes everyday she isn’t doing that

But i agree

Deliberate incompetence then, to keep her children as her support network because they'll feel too guilty to drop her.

What were the circumstances of her moving to the UK? Did she actively want to live here (pull factor) or was it forced circumstances (push factor)? If the latter, maybe she's never been interested in integrating.

Who has been doing her translating for the past few months then?

I think it’s appalling to even go on holiday without learning a few phrases. Anyone that’s sat in A&E with a very sick child listening to the doctor through the curtain explain, praying you get seen soon to a third party (lengthy) to someone that has zero English language will know how unfair this feels and it’s such a drain on resources.

I voted Unreasonable, but only because I live abroad and know so so many native English speakers who won’t order a beer in the local language. (Yes I am looking at you XH👀) and I feel it is laughable for British people to criticize others for the failure they themselves are known for.

push factor

but what’s odd is she always talks how much she loves this country and British people

Where's all this money to buy nice expensive gifts coming from if she's a toilet cleaner two years off retirement?

Just let her children manage her. They're likely experienced at it.

One time she said

whats the point. I’m never going to be more than a toilet cleaner anyway, and my state pension is in 2 years

But you just said she gives private language and maths lessons to immigrant kids here in uk? So she already works at more than being a toilet cleaner.

Could you explain more about the language lessons to immigrant kids? Is she helping them learn a new language or are the lessons in their and her mother tongue? If the latter, why is this needed?

What language is she teaching immigrant children? I'm not sure how she can expect them to learn, and knows techniques to teach a language, but claims she cannot do it herself. That sounds ridiculous.

I also don't believe someone who is educated to degree level is unable to understand a computer. Even my technophobe 90yo mum can do basic stuff on an iPad, and she had barely any schooling due to childhood illnesses.

She also makes good money giving private language and maths lessons to immigrant kids. Plus weekend language school.

also book and consulting online. (She was a primary school teacher in her country with 40 years experience and 20 years experience working with bilingual kids, a lot of immigrants/people are into that)

other than the gifts she also is frugal, cheap and never spends much on herself

This is more common than people realise.

I met a woman who lived in France for 17 years at that point and knew one simple phrase about the weather (which was still wrong) and she was proud of this, she certainly wasn't the only one either.
My own mother came to the UK and learned English as fast as she could and her English is impeccable.
There is no excuse for people not to learn the language of the country in which they live.
Yet it happens all over.

I get you, OP. I feel the same about the English ex-pats that moved to this corner of 80% first language welsh Wales decades ago and still don't know a single word of welsh 😁

I bet she knows more than she’s letting on. I have no flare for languages at all but even after spending a summer in Greece I could understand a fair bit.

I don't find this to be so unusual, unfortunately. I know three elderly ladies who have lived in the UK for 50 years and seriously do not speak a word of English. After one lost her husband, I tried to help her. I asked if she needed milk, and she couldn't understand me. Another was a friend's mum, and back when we were young and I'd call my friend at home, his mum could hardly understand that I wanted to speak to my friend. And the last one is stuck in the world of 1950s India. Again, came here fifty years ago and doesn't speak any English.

I find it very weird, because I'd have thought you'd pick it up just from being around it, but no. Not for everyone.

Their and their mothers/parents tongue

a lot of immigrants really want their kids to know or not forget their language. It’s very important to them. And be bilingual.

reading, writing, listening etc

Some of her clients include women married to British men for example

she also prepares them for their language GCSE

usually it’s upper middle class, well off people. She gets millionaire clients too.

Given that she sounds pretty bright and well educated, her not learning English is frankly wilful.

I didn't know I was an ex-pat !

Which language GCSE?

Her own language. She is very successful.

I agree it’s absolutely ridiculous and absurd