MIL 23 years in uk doesn’t speak a word of English!!!!!!!

[Aidensmum123]

Am I right to find this crazy and infuriating!

when I say doesn’t speak a word of English, i don’t mean her English I bad.

I almost literally mean won’t speak a word of English!!

other than ok, maybe, good, bye, hi.

oh and she can’t do basic stuff like use email, use banking, etc

its absolutely insane.

now, I usually won’t care as not my business, but she has been forcing me, her daughter and my husband to constantly translate for her and do admin work for her. Before us, it was her ex.

this takes sometimes HOURS!!!!!

FOR YEARS.

appointments, online shopping, tax returns, banking, etc etc etc etc

when we are out it’s constantly what did he say, what did she say

calls and text everyday, make appointment for me, I need to buy this online, I need to send this email etc etc

It got to point recently she began shoving phone in our face, do this.

we showed how to use google translate and translate page she still insists she can’t work computer and do any of this.

She is treating us like her personal secretary.

(her sibling same age who lived in uk 10 years speaks English and she was housewife for 12 years to well off man she could of learned then)

I had enough and stopped but my husband and his sister can’t because she is their mum.

like “oh she’ll get in trouble if she doesn’t pay this on time! Or this appointment is very important for her health! It’ll just be quick”

my husband signed her up for English classes she would skip them. He said he will only help if she tries learning English 10 minutes a day. She got very angry and began yelling at him fine!!! Fine!

Her sister who lives with her confirmed she isn’t. She watches tv and YouTube all day on couch in her free time.

we realise this is our fault to enabling this so we decided to set boundaries.

we confronted her about this and said either you will learn English or you will pay us or hire someone for your services. We have been enabling you and please understand this cannot continue. This takes up a lot of our time. We feel used.

She then tells if we do this, she will cut contact with the grandkids and my sister in law disabled son!!! And they will never see her again.

she hasn’t spoken to them in months how and the kids are upset asking why and they want to see her.

the grandkids love her so much.

am I right to be very disgusted by all this.

sorry I’m just so annoyed and ranting

Yikes. This will go well.

Well I agree with you OP but I hope you've got a tin hat on 😁

YANBU

OP, yes it does sound irritating.

What was her educational level in her home country? Do you think she is embarrassed generally of her academic abilities and is avoiding learning because she’s scared of humiliation?

It is incredibly isolating for her. Have you managed to ask her why she didn’t try and learn?

How old is she? If she is much older, this will be a struggle for her to learn now.

Can she read and write in her native language? Might be masking that she's not adept at that, which would make learning another language even more difficult.

Let her children deal with MIL. Drop the rope quietly.

Which language does she actually parlé?

She was a primary school teacher!

uni degree

she also gives kids here in uk private language lessons

Realistically OP, if she hasn’t learned by now, I don’t think she is going to start.

This sounds so difficult to manage, but I agree with you OP. It’s life skills stuff. I work with unaccompanied young asylum seeker children and young adults. We always promote learning English, why wouldn’t we? If you are going to thrive and survive in the uk, then having even basic skills is a necessity. And by basic, I’d include the ability to use google translate on your phone. I’d say that is a really positive starting point.

She was a primary school teacher in her country!

got a degree and everything

she also gives private language lessons to kids here in uk

@Aidensmum123
Before I can comment I’d first want to know if there was any underlying reason as to why she struggles with some of these things.
I have major difficulties with some of the things you mention, and it’s down to my ND.
Secondly, I know of many British people who live abroad and can’t say a word in the local language, but because they have English they manage to always find someone else who will accommodate them.

It is pretty bad and she's a CF for relying on others to do the donkey work for her. Very tedious, indeed.

You're doing the right thing to stop enabling her. Too much of your free time is being taken up by her selfishness.

I lived overseas and made it a priority to learn the language & throughly enjoyed it.

How is she with numbers? Does she get benefits and a state pension? If so, I bet she is fluent in those.

I am not even asking for fluent English!!! Or even bad english

at least just a few basic phrases and some more everyday words! At least. Or see her trying at least

she also said since she gives our kids nice expensive gifts we owe her

Do others help her set up these language lessons? Learning a new language is very difficult, did she ever try? Does she lead an isolated life?
It is hard to make others do this.

What’s bizarre is she was an educated woman in her country.

a primary school teacher and she gives private language and maths lessons to immigrant kids here in uk

So you’ve been doing this for years and you’re upset by it now? What changed?

Do you speak the same language as her? If so I’d communicate only in your shared language from now on, no more translating for her. If not, English only. She will either have to learn or use online resources (which I’m sure she’s entirely capable of). Is she from a culture where mothers expect to be revered by their sons and their wives?

Have you ever asked her why she won't learn English? I don't understand why she doesn't want to. Even if I'm only visiting a country with another language I learn some basics, and if I actually lived in another country I would definitely learn the language. I'm baffled.

You don't have to like it. Just back off from helping her and leave her kids to handle it.

Don't accept gifts if you don't want that held over your heads.

I could not live in a country without learning some basics of the language. I'd fine it very frustrating not being able to read signs and so on.

*I'd find it...

First, I must learn my mother tongue...

It’s sounds absolutely infuriating. I’d do very little to help I’m afraid.

Although I’d provide a listening ear for those who felt that they had to.

Is it just the language thing do you think, or something else going on? I ask because I know of an elderly person who, whilst not British, has perfect English. They just refuse to do anything at all for themselves and never have. It’s an unhealthy family dynamic thing.

She keeps claiming she can’t, she doesn’t know why.

but we don’t even see her try

One time she said

whats the point. I’m never going to be more than a toilet cleaner anyway, and my state pension is in 2 years.

doesnt help her friend also told her what do you need English for! You have your family to translate for you!

I think I would have to trick her into turning up with you at an ESOL class at the local college and hope that she would be too embarrassed to walk out...