Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

She should be tidying what she does with your daughter. Especially when she’s charging that much! That’s really cheeky from her.

I think its time to change your arrangement, if there's a school bus available it'd be an idea to think about using that if it suits . And afterschool club , if there is one . The arrangement doesn't suit anymore .

Speaking as a grandmother, I sometimes look after my grandchild in my daughter’s house. I would absolutely tidy up after her so the house is tidy for when my daughter gets home from work. She’s definitely in the wrong here.

Pay someone else to babysit, or find a nursery/after school care?

Are you serious? You're getting great, reliable childcare from someone you trust implicitly - as well as school pickup- for £500 a month!
I would count your blessings.
Where is your DP in all this? Surely the chores should be split between the two parents at the end of the workday?

I think it’s implied when you look after someone else’s child in their home you leave the home in a decent state.

I look after my sibling’s children a lot (I’m childless) and I would never, ever leave their house in a state. I make sure the children pick up after themselves and then do a tidy up at the end of a night, I do the dishes etc., and make sure it’s generally in an acceptable state. It’s not okay to leave someone else’s home in a state, no matter what you’re being paid to do the childcare.

My husband is (mostly) home at 6pm and he is very tidy he usually cleans up the place after dinner while I do homework with Dd and then we alternate her bath and bed.
My problem is the mess created between 2.30 and 5pm. Because of the way my brain works i need to sort that out immediately because I cannot relax, cook dinner etc in a messy space. My husband cannot help with this as he is working at that time.
Thankfully he was off today so the house was looking fine when I finished work.

Around 3 hours a day, including drop offs, 3 days a week, so 36 hours a month for £500 pcm.

You could get someone cheaper or use the school provision. Currently you are paying more than a decent whack so you can expect a proper job and that involves tidying the mess made by your D when your M is there.

Is there a tax benefit to you of using a family member? does your M declare the £6k?

What's she getting paid to do, babysitting or babysitting plus cleaner. She sounds like she feels like she is being put on somehow

Your mum will be getting older and may simply not have the same energy she had three years ago. I say this as a 65 year old who used to blitz her son's flat in acouple of hours a couple of years ago and now can barely do his bathroom in the same time.

I think your mother is probably getting a bit bored with the arrangement. Have a word with her.
Would it be better if she looked after your child in her home?
We look after 2 sets of grandchildren. I day a week for each. Like most arrangements this is not paid. I set we look after in their home and yes we (husband and I) do try to clear up. The other set we pick up from school and look after in our home. The house is always a mess after they have gone!

Ok, i,m 60 and awaiting first grandchild… so i,m looking at this from your mam,s perspective…how old is she? she used to clean your house and now doesnt.. i,m wondering 💭 if she,s not 100% well? see i would say sorry daughter but i,m weary/not well/ i would explain myself… seems odd,especially getting £500 a mnth,have you not got a good enough relationship to ask? just ask ❤️

You could tell/ask your DM to remind DC to tidy up.
Or tell DC to tidy up when you get home .

I don’t understand why some posters are getting so annoyed with the OP .
I would not expect my mum to clean the house but I would expect her to pop things in the dishwasher and sort of tidy up a little as she goes ?
That isn’t cleaning ?
It isn’t hoovering or dusting or scrubbing bathrooms or mopping floors , it’s just tidying as you go
That is what I’d do , especially when the OP is actually paying the sum of £500 per month !

The responses here are shocking. I think you pay your mum a large amount (I don’t pay my MIL anything when she has my son and I wouldn’t expect her to ask for money). After school club here 3 days a week only costs me £156. I would expect her to keep the house clear enough

and can’t believe how many times you’ve had to repeat yourself that the house is clean when she arrives

Yeah she should be tidying up after DD. You are paying her quite a bit. Time for a review and change.

I agree! I would ask your Mum to make sure your DD lifts her snack plate and cup from the table in the lounge so she doesn't think it is fine when Granny is there. It takes a minute of her time, also clearing up the bombsite of toys, lego and play dough should be automatically done. That's really bad OP, the way people are replying to you is like you've asked your Mum to scrub your loo with bare hands.

Maybe your mom is just bored so can't be bothered, or started reading a book and just dosnt bother. I dog sit and whatever I do I make sure kitchen is tidy and if I'd had a cup of coffee I rinse cup and wash it before I go home ( no dishwasher) so I don't think your unreasonable to expect house to be tidy, BUT if you don't stack dishwasher and put it on before she gets there, then I don't blame her for leaving the mess probably thinks you don't care.

I should add that’s £156 per month for 3 after school days. And my point being your mum gets a crazy amount over this!

Yes, the key thing here is that you just want her to tidy up after baby sitting-related stuff. You’re not asking her to also tidy other things in your house. You are being reasonable. But equally, it’s hard to sort if communication is limited. You could see if she is still happy with the arrangement at least?? And if not, do something else….

I can't get past your mum accepting money off you for hanging out with her grandchild for 2.5hrs/day, and taking her to school max 3 mornings a week. I mean, if you don't want to do childcare for your grandchildren, don't do it - totally fine. If you want to do it, you don't bloody accept money for it! What a message to send your granddaughter! "Granny's here playing with you for the money!".

Anyway, whatever your DM's reasons for doing this, just put an end to it. This whole situation reeks for everyone: you because of the house, your DD because she's being allowed to get away with bad behaviour that she knows isn't allowed when Granny's not there, your DM because obviously something is up and she seems happy to see you finish work and start cleaning up her mess. Just make alternate arrangements and tell her because it's time for DD to start longer days at school.

You're paying her £500 so yes, she should be putting her cup in the dishwasher and making sure the kid puts her toys away.

If you weren't paying her, it would be a different matter. But £500 isn't a small amount of money.

I think your mums taking the piss charging you £500 a month for dropping your child to school and picking her up and looking after her for an hour and a half after school. As pp have said it will be much cheaper to use school breakfast and afterschool clubs esp if you use tax free childcare. Why did you not change the fee once she started school as your mums not looking after her in the middle of the day?

She pays her mum for her 3 days a week looking after her granddaughter, so it is not free help

I was under the impression (as a nanny) that this sort of set up where you pay, was illegal. If you haven’t already, it might be worth checking it out. If she’s your employed nanny then she’ll need minimum wage, a contract and to be paying tax etc.

that aside, she may just feel that you don’t keep on top of the tidying at other times so why should she? If it was totally free then I’d say there’s nothing appropriate to do about it but if you’re paying her then I’d perhaps just ask her to get dd to tidy up after herself. Or maybe when you finish for the day you could lead dd in the tidy up?