To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

I agree.
When you first met him what was he like @lonelyinlondon99 ?

You know he has to leave, for your child’s sake as well as yours. It won’t be easy as he’s not going to want to change his easy selfish life. You will have to be strong and very firm, he will manipulate you like hell, he could get nasty. You will get help and support on mumsnet though. Don’t let this situation carry on, you deserve a better life.

Leave him. He contributes nothing. Surely at that weight (and given his laziness) he must absolutely stink?

Chances are you will have more money after you turf him out.

I worked with someone with fibromyalgia. He worked when he could. He had flares and worked around his health. He was medicated but he was very fit. He exercised and looked after himself and still socialised a lot.

Your husband could potentially reverse his type 2 diabetes if he bothered to look after himself. He would be entitled to weight loss medication and possibly even surgery (given his obesity & type 2 diabetes).

I have severe medical issues and I still do everything at home and care for my autistic child. Your husband is not pulling his weight.

I'm really angry for you OP. What a slob of a partner.

As a taxpayer I'm also angry that the welfare state is funding his lifestyle choice.

I do not think many men would stick around a woman who behaved and looked that way.

Presumably he has mental health problems but the fix is so obvious (eat properly, get a job) that it’s hard to feel especially sympathetic.

It sits appallingly with me that someone takes money off the state then eats it all away but presumably it’s more complex than that.

It’s very sad but he is setting an appalling example of greed and sloth to your child!

He sounds like a shit partner and shit parent. What a selfish man.

Have you asked him what his plans are if you separated and kicked him out? Where would he go and how would he support himself?

You need to end it. You’re wasting your life on this lazy selfish man.

Someone I used to know was in a very similar situation with a partner who was vey overweight with numerous serious related health problems - he refused to do anything about it and refused to sort himself out before his problems killed him or acknowledge the toll this was taking on her.

In the end she left and was much happier.

Oh sorry I read it wrong. I think you've definitely hit the nail on the head. When he'd driving he will call women drivers who pull out on him ect "stupid fkin bitch" "silly split arse" & i hate it. I rarely go out in the car with him, if i need to i drive myself. I do think now you've said that, it is possible he feels advice from women is not worthy of being listened to. I may ask his mum to have a word with his uncle to have a word with him.

I have to agree. There is medication that can help him lose weight. Medication that will regulate his blood sugar. Medication to treat his addiction/depression. He could rapidly lose weight via medication and qualify for gastric surgery and be at a healthy weight in 12 months. Potentially even returning to work in 18 months. He doesn’t want to. He’s so selfish.

Given his diabetes he is killing himself. He will end up going blind or losing his limbs before a heart attack kills him or his organs go into shock.

Well if he is stupid enough to mess about with diabetes then he needs to understand the consequences.

A family member related by marriage has type one and for years boasted that he controlled his diabetes by eating what he wanted then jiggling around with his insulin, he really believed this, despite the evidence that he was not controlling his diabetes well because he had numerous trips to A and E. Not a stupid man, but a bloody arrogant one.

He is now in his early forties.

His eyes are shot, he has had to have three difficult surgeries in the last 18 months and they are still not right. He can barely walk 200 metres because his feet are so painful, the next option will likely be either a wheelchair or amputation. Signs are that his kidneys are permanently damaged as well. Poorly controlled diabetes fucks up almost every organ in your body.

He will be lucky to get to 50.

I wouldn’t blame you for leaving OP, you can clearly see a future of being a carer for someone who will resent any intervention designed to help him. Your child sounds as though he will need your help more than your manchild husband.

He was working, he did strongman/ deadlift competitions, he was funny, dressed nice for his size, he paid his way. He always had a air of arrogance about him though. He was a very good looking man (beard, tattoos ect) and he knew it. He worked nights as a secuirty guard at a prison which he loved.

Why are you staying with him? Why bother having a word with his mother - or anyone, for that matter?

He hates women, he’s morbidly obese. He doesn’t contribute anything to the household. He doesn’t financially support his family. The guy is a complete loser.

What parent chooses McDonalds over their own child??

Stay with him and you will be changing the dressings for his diabetic ulcers until he dies.

Just get rid of him now. Evict him if you have to.

OP you are spending all your energy thinking about and talking about a man who isn't going to change.

Unless you stop doing that, this is going to be the rest of your life until he dies.

Why would you choose to waste your life like that.

This is YOU problem. You need to change. What's stopping you?

I think you need to get rid of him. If he gets himself together then you can consider having him back in your life.

But he won’t do anything while he is living in your house. He won’t change. Perhaps he will get the wake up call he needs when he has to face the future alone - because no one is going to date him the way he is now.

I think you need to stop blaming him and take responsibility for your own choices.

If he's not depressed and you have to believe him on that, then he is literally just being very self indulgent.

I am currently bedbound and have been on and off since 2017. I eat almost nothing when I'm not burning it off as I am desperate to get back on my feet and that is my only goal currently.

I think you need to warn him you want him out as a result of this and put a time limit on it (without telling him) of ...say three months and then change the locks when he is out and cut it off at the head. That way he has had fair warning and you have stood back and watched him ignore you. All this 'You have to make an attend a GP appointment with him' is for the birds. It's not your job. You are not his mother. Step away from this hideous abusive relationship and get an amazing life for you and your boy. He's doing this on purpose. His knee will never heal up at 27 stone and unless he is as thick as treacle, he will know this.

Then let's us be in your corner. Keep posting. I suspect his mother will be in your corner regarding continued childcare as I'm sure she will want to continue to be close to her grandchild.

Please write down five good reasons to stay with him, where he is loving and supportive of you OR your child. Just five.

Sorry OP but this isn't a partnership in any sense of the word.

It's one thing to struggle with health, or obesity, but he appears to be doing literally nothing about it at all. He's quite content it seems for you and your child to live with the burden of having someone who is morbidly obese and useless as a partner and father. This situation seems to be working for him just fine.

Personally for me it would be gentle ultimatum time. I can't stay in this relationship unless you start to take some responsibility for managing your health and losing weight. I will support you from the sidelines but you have to do it for yourself. If you don't then unfortunately this isn't going to work.

With the advent of GLP-1s there truly isn't a reason why he can't crack on and lose the weight, he's probably eligible via the NHS and if not he would clearly save money overall with not eating as much junk and takeout as he'd spend on the jabs.

People will guilt you as apparently women are supposed to just put up with their partners completely letting themselves go in every which way and still force themselves to be intimate with them and share a life and home with them. We're not allowed to want better for ourselves. Don't listen to them. You deserve better.

God he sounds grotesque. Sorry OP.
It’s also worrying to hear that his PIP goes on fast food… which just cements the fact he’ll probably need PIP forever as he gets bigger and bigger and his fibro and diabetes get worse. I know we can’t control what he spends his money on, but why should taxpayers fund people to gorge themselves to death?

I couldn’t stay with someone like that, I would find it so unattractive, let alone the fact he’s a lazy sod and does nothing around the house.

I may ask his mum to have a word with his uncle to have a word with him.

Don't bother. He knows what he's doing. Cut your loses.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m also sorry that if you do not leave, it’s highly likely your son will see your husband as the norm. Considering his additional needs you need to focus on him and yourself. Not the adult man who is wasting your life away! Kick him out ASAP! Honestly do you still want to be in this situation in a years time? He isn’t listening to you. He isn’t listening to his mum. His not changing for his child. He basically doesn't want to change so anyone speaking to him isn’t going to help him as he doesn’t want to help himself.

I can really empathise with that. It sounds so similar to the way I felt about my, now late-ex, but once dearly loved DH. In his case it was alcohol, rather than food, but it was really tough to make the decision to leave him; it really felt like
kicking a man when he was down.

The thing which helped me, was when I got my mind around the fact that the support I'd been giving him, clearly wasn't helping. I really hoped that the end of our marriage would give him the shock he needed to make him face up to what he needed to do. Sadly, in his case, it didn't and he died a few years after we divorced.

I’d like to point out that GLP-1s were invented for T2D well before they became for weight loss. He should be offered these on the NHS
for his diabetes alone. They are amazingly effective and if he’s on insulin he should either have failed GLP-1s or be sent . Some of the injection comments on this thread are medically ignorant.

of course he needs to engage with his GP to do this. You can’t force him. This is on him and you’re entitled to wipe your hands of it.

Hmm, at 27 stone he's likely to be a good few stone over the maximum weight for most scooters. Unless they have particularly heavy duty ones available, the maximum weight is likely to be around 20-25 stone. This could be why he can't keep up with you.

When I go out, on a scooter, with anyone, I tell them to walk at their natural speed and I'll adjust the scooter down to match them. A scooter will normally go at up to 4mph, which is a pretty brisk walk, although possibly slower than a bolting three year old!

He started them but stopped because he said it hurt his tummy.

@lonelyinlondon99 Just for his attitude to women alone, get this ghastly man out of your life. Your boy will grow up just like him otherwise.