To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

Eddie hall is a weight lifter, are you saying he was a weight lifter/body builder till 3 years ago?

I agree entirely with this.

You had me at daily mcdonalds. And i love mcdonalds.

He needs to be better for you and your DC. And some people just can’t be pushed to do what they need to do. I talk from experience.

Please leave him. You may also be financially better off for it. And it is god damn awful he is spending his PIP money on daily large size maccies.

You have enough to deal with.

Exactly this. He's behaving like an addict - only focused on his next 'fix, no matter how harmful that is to himself or the people around him. And currently, he's got his partner and his mum picking up the pieces and running round him doing everything for him while he just eats. They need to step back and let him fall so that he's forced to start caring for himself. Or not. But that isn't their problem to fix - he's a grown man.

@lonelyinlondon99 you sound like a lovely person and it's great that you have such good support from your DP's mother.
Lots of things here. It sounds as though your DP's health issues stemmed from obesity in the first place and the way the benefits system works is actually making that worse.
I couldn't stay with someone who had so little regard for the impact their selfish choices are having on their family - completely different if it was a disability outside of someone's control.
The tenancy is yours. If you tell him to leave and make him go it could be the shock he needs to sort himself out and maybe you could then rebuild further down the line.
But you have enough on your plate without carrying someone who is basically a lazy slob. He needs tough love and you deserve better.

also if you do leave him, please don’t listen to any ‘i will kill myself if you leave me’ or ‘i will change’.

I think that kind of disordered eating is a mental health condition in itself but if he won't get help for it, I think you should tell him to leave. You and your son shouldn't have to live like this, it's unfair on you and you have done everything in your power to help him. Maybe splitting up will be the kick up the bum that he needs.

It really doesn’t sound like this man brings anything positive to your life. How fortunate that you aren’t married and you are sole name on the tenancy. It may do him good in the long run to be financially independent as it sounds like it will force him to really reign in the spending. Wishing you good luck.

My partner is not as heavy as yours but he is overweight. He eats McDs (three times in a week last week) and almost is never home to eat with us. I sometimes save food but often don't both because it goes uneaten.

He drinks regularly (he was proud he had one dry night this week), only exercises by walking, c. once per week. He has excess stress which he's doing nothing to regulate.

I would stay with him where things are and all I do is cook healthy foods and model behaviours. I think he might change a bit when he retires and doesn't have that reason (or excuse). But also part of me knows that's not true that he'll never look after himself.

And that's hard. Because his Dad had a heart attack at 43 and while he lived to mid 70s, he was unwell for a lot of those last years. I think if you keep with this relationship, you have to accept that you will be his carer and probably are already drifting into that role.

It's fair to point this out to him. That it's nothing to do with aesthetics but the fact you are paying for everything. He's not just spending vast amounts on food but on expensive food as well. That if he takes no responsibility, what will the future look like? What is he expecting of you? Is that fair?

But personally I would walk away. I am getting very tired of hearing my partner telling me he'll cut his hours, he'll drink less, he'll eat healthier things, he'll exercise, then the next day he's home late, wine in hand, eating sweets.

It's got me to get to the point where promises are BS. Actions are what matter.

His utter refusal to do anything about any of this is why I would leave him. Whining about mounjaro hurting his stomach would give me the ick SO much.

My DP has health issues that prevent him working full time and due to some of these struggles to manage his weight and fitness. He is also autistic. But my god does he try to do something about this - he is on various different medications (which he regularly consults with his doctors on as to whether they are working or whether there are other things he should try that might work better or give him better quality of life), tries to eat mostly healthily, walks the dog for gentle exercise etc. And he is an extremely supportive partner and father - both emotionally and when he is well enough, physically as in taking more stuff on around the house etc because he does not work full time etc.

Yours sounds like he's a total drain on your energy and doesn't improve your life in the slightest. I'd get rid. It's not the health issues you're leaving him for - it's his unwillingness to do anything to treat them.

Have you spent a lot of time with young children on the autism diagnostic pathway? The running of a completely non speaking three year old with autism and learning disabilities who may well turn out to have ADHD too when old enough to be diagnosed is nothing whatsoever like that of a typical three year old. I work with this client group and have also worked with typically developing children as well as having my own children - it's doubtless well meaning to say "oh he might be like all three year olds, you're just stressed" but she's got an assessment coming up - at three he wouldn't be on the pathway unless his development was very atypical.

Dismissing and downplaying the difference between caring for a child with complex needs and a typically developing one comes unintentionally close to gas lighting and isn't helpful.

I think I would be beyond frustrated at him not giving the Mounjaro a proper go, especially as getting it on the NHS is evidence of how seriously unwell he is.

He’s got to want to sort himself out. He won’t have any urge to change unless it really impacts him. Set an ultimate and then follow through with it.

Maybe try some marriage counselling and explain that if he doesn't change his ways you will leave. That way he knows you are serious about leaving and you will know you have tried everything to make your marriage work. It might make him think hard about the situation and get help.

I think he needs a reminder that he is setting a very poor example for his son.

Good luck with this. You sound lovely and I hope things improve for you all.

Awful. Leave him. Yes I'm sure he's depressed blah blah but he's ruining your and son's lives.

It doesn’t sound to me like marriage counselling would work tbh and I wouldn’t bother.

What a shame, sounds like you had a nice life and he's not engaging joining in a healthy way. I don't see how he could be surprised given the state he's allowed himself to get into it. Maybe he'll feel sorry himself and say you're abandoning him. You've tried to help him, he's disgusting for being rude about his mum. Not helping you, not engaging properly with your son. He could be doing so much more.. He could be trying. He could make himself do half an hour tidying up, walk to the doctor's, little goals that would improve his health. His diet is truly shocking and your predictions don't sound unlikely. Happy to read it's your flat, he's had it very easy living with you and doesn't appreciate you or your home. Where he goes next isn't your problem, your tried, his mum tried. Wishing you a happier future.

Yes. He used to do them strongman / deadlift competitions. He was a very very stocky but he was also fit and active. He just stopped doing anything after he hurt his knee and ate and ate and ate. Wouldn't attend physio for it neither. He swears up and down he isn't depressed but I don't know what else it could be x

@lonelyinlondon99 he probably has some stereotyped ideas about what being depressed means, that he feels don't apply to him. It doesn't really matter whether its labelled depression, an eating disorder, etc as it's the resulting behaviour that is the issue for you.

I was. I said do you realise how lucky you are to be offered it as plenty pay alot of money for it and he got it given for free. Everything I, his mum or his diabetic nurse suggest he has an excuse for. He has always loved his food but he was ALOT more active before. The most excerisce he gets is walking to the car and back.

Is the diabetes nurse a woman? Does he respect women generally? Does he spend much time on socials following dickhead men?

So he's a lazy, fat cocklodger who has everything done for him and provided for him by others?

Do him a favour and dump. It will only get worse for him if you don't. If you dump hell have to do SOMETHING. Something in this scenario is better than nothing.

@lonelyinlondon99

sorry to read your situation it sounds awful

you need to sit him down in a real calm but very direct manner and have a conversation with him regarding the situation you are living in.

if he doesn’t want to listen to you be firm and tell
him if he doesn’t get help now this minute and start to change his lifestyle,you will be making steps to separate as you can no longer live like this and nor should your child have to.

look him in the eye op and be really serious about it.

he can start wegovy ,it may be better for him than mounjaro but tell him he has to stick to it and make progress or your poin still stands that you will be separating.

him having nowhere to go isn’t your issue tell him,that’s up to him to consider whether your worth sorting his life out for.

I would also tell him it gives you the ick and you’ve lost all respect because he doesn’t care enough about himself you or your child to sort it out.

it’s very selfish of him and deep down you know that.

you can’t control what he does but you can control how you deal with it.

if it’s making you really unhappy and he isn’t happy to sort himself out then it’s up to you to take control of your and your sons life and ask him to leave so you can live a happy life.

you are only choosing to be trapped if you stay and put your life on hold while he decides your life for you.

you dont want to look back in five years and be in the same or worse a situation as that’s another five years of your life gone that you can’t get back

Yes. Roughly around the exact time he was born. I was in labour almost 3 days and ended up with an emergency c section. I lost alot of blood and was in HDU for a while after. When back on the ward I asked him to help me sit up in bed so I could eat as not had anything for abiut 2 days and he told me to press my buzzer that's what it's there for because his knee hurt him & he needed to go home and rest it. I should've known then really.

Yes. Roughly around the exact time he was born. I was in labour almost 3 days and ended up with an emergency c section. I lost alot of blood and was in HDU for a while after. When back on the ward I asked him to help me sit up in bed so I could eat as not had anything for abiut 2 days and he told me to press my buzzer that's what it's there for because his knee hurt him & he needed to go home and rest it. I should've known then really.

Change the locks next time he goes out