To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

Maybe you leaving him is the wake up call he needs to do something about his health? I couldn’t stay with someone who is acting so selfishly unfortunately

Controlling and abusive behaviour starting during pregnancy and after birth is not unusual.

Just end it, he's not adding anything to your or your child's life.

Has he ever had a pension? If he dies you can claim that for your child.

Jesus OP i am sorry you've had to deal with this but now is the time to choose yourself and your child and make the changes you need to actually live your life away from such an awful human being

She is a woman and he is only like it to his mum. He is very friendly and social, he's not rude to anyone but her. He has been very rude to me at times but always says sorry after but never to his mum. He isn't into social media tbh he has facebook and he only follows mma, wrestling and boxing pages and diy as he used to love doing it.

The more you write, the more he sounds like a petulant child. Won't be told what to do. Won't put up with any discomfort that comes alongside the effort to change. Won't stick with a plan to improve himself. Totally self interested. Entitled. Only interested in his own instant gratification that comes through eating.
He's not a child though, he's a grown man with no obvious mental health difficulties. Just incable of being a fully functioning individual, partner or parent. It's sad. But he doesn't have to be your problem

@lonelyinlondon99 oh goodness, that kind of behaviour towards you when you were unwell and vulnerable is despicable.

He does nothing for you, for your child or to look after himself. He isn't in a relationship with you, he's only in a relationship with himself - and he can get on with that somewhere else!

Tell him to leave. It's your home. He's awful to his mum and never says sorry. Just no.

I would leave, the harsh reality is he is not helping himself. He is not helping you or considering your needs or your childs. Eventually you will also be v ill from the stress. I know at somepoint in marriage one partner will become ill or both together and need to care for each other. I have a chronic condition and left my ex partly for my own health, so that i could sort myself out. Xx its a shame, he may also have depression

I wonder if leaving him will give him the kick up the backside he needs to sort himself out. If it doesn't, you're well rid of him anyway. Who is looking after you? You also deserve to be loved and looked after. If you were everyone's carer due to circumstances beyond his control that would be different, but he is choosing to work you in this way.

I love him dearly

^ your words from earlier. Remind me again why you love him when he so obviously hates you.

Good grief! Please please leave this is no way to live.

Tell him to leave. He can go eat himself to death elsewhere using someone else’s money.

At that weight how does he manage his personal hygiene? How does he even wipe his bum properly? Before long he’ll be unable to do that and will expect you to do it for him.

Take your DS out to the zoo and other places. Go enjoy them together. Forget about DP going with you.

He's behaviour is unacceptable.
Him not taking care of his health is also unacceptable, because guess who he will be expecting to take care of him when he gets more unwell, you!
Give him an ultimatum. It's not healthy for you to be living with this.

Im sorry but reading this makes me realise we need a really hardline government who is going to slash the benefit bill, it should only be for severely disabled people and those that need a safety net temporary, 900 pounds a month of taxpayer money to spend on takeaways! No wonder no one wants to work.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned but there's a tablet now for diabetes/weight loss. No injections needed.

This is a whole extra level.

No matter what is happening with his mental and physical health it's very clear cut that you need to end the relationship and tell him to leave your home.

Perhaps have someone with you when you do - his mum would be the obvious person but as he's so unpleasant to her perhaps someone he behaves better in front of.

Good luck

Absolutely leave him.
He probably has various undiagnosed conditions that make him a food addict but in no way does that make you responsible. You need all your resources and energy to care for your child. I was a single mother until my DS was 7 and it was tough in some ways but in others the simplest thing in the world compared to what had gone on before/could have been.

Your words have struck me so much. Not in a bad way a good way. It would be something my darling mum would've said. I have nobody but me in my corner as my mum was an only child so when she died, I had nobody left. My grandparents died in the 90s / early 2000s & my dad died before my mum but I was never close to him.

“all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.”

it falls on you because you do it. Do your own stuff, and your sons. That’s plenty. Let the lazy arse you live with do his own washing and cooking. And shop for the food you want for yourself and your son.

do this while you are getting your ducks in a row to tell him to leave. Don’t waster you life like this, it’s miserable.

You need to leave him for the sake of you and your son. He’s nothing but a fat whale and he will go to an early grave sadly. I couldn’t be with someone that abused me and my family as that’s what he is doing,

This is no way to live, tell him to leave, it won’t be long before he begins speaking to you in the manner reserved for his mum. It sounds like his mum will support you and your child.

What really stood out to me is that you mentioned you were a young carer to you dear Mum from the age of 13 and that you sadly lost her young. I’m so sorry this happened to you, must have been so painful for you.

It made me wonder whether you have been drawn into a relationship where you have become the carer again…….. and it’s difficult to leave, because you still have a chance to try save him (even though you know the situation is awful for both you and your son.)

Does he know this and uses it to play you?

Can you afford some therapy sessions if you feel it might help?

You love him dearly but he's lazy, treats you like a skivvy, is manipulative, and treats his mum like dirt. None of that sounds very loveable, OP. Is it that you love the man he used to be? Because I'm afraid it sounds like that man is long gone. Save yourself and your DS from a lifetime of living with his misery.

What I meant was that he doesn't seem to respect women. He ignores all of you - you and his mum are the main women in his life and he treats you both like shit (financial, childcare, cooking, cleaning, emotional, physical). He may say sorry, but his actions show he clearly doesn't mean it.

Being friendly to strangers and people you're not that close to is easy. It says nothing about who he really is. He doesn't want to be the man he once was.

If you want this relationship to continue, I suggest you give him an ultimatum: see the doctor for advice on depression and overall health and then follow the advice or he has to leave.

I imagine he has a lot of mental health issues going on but only he can get the hep he needs.

If he won’t go to the GP, I’d tell him he must leave and then you build a life for you and your DC without him.