To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

So lets see it then

Are you still physically intimate with him?

Kick him out, your life will be so much better without him. It sounds like you are in control of your life, your finances and, your little boys needs. he sounds utterly selfish and unpleasant.

I would leave. It’s difficult enough to care for a high needs child and your partner is adding nothing positive to the situation. Your resources are going to caring and supporting your partner when they could be going to your child. Maybe if he doesn’t have someone to do everything for him and pay for all the bills then he might realise that he needs to sort himself out, but I doubt that. Most people with a child that needs extra support would prioritise their health and mobility so they could be around for as long as possible. If that’s not enough motivator then I doubt anything is going to change.

Hello everyone,
Perhaps we might get this thread back on track and refrain from posting personal attacks which go against our Talk guidelines.
MNHQ

Please leave this man. Your life will be so much happier alone. You have a home and a job. You can support your child on your own as you already are.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first, and this is definitely one of those times. I wish you luck.

He's clearly shown you that he doesn't want to change. So your options are carry on as you are, or leave him. I would say leave.

I've said before on other threads that a lot of men think the women who love them will just stay regardless, doesn't matter that they're unhappy they'll just never go. Your DP was arrogant before, and he still is Op, he hardly helps with money, does no housework, cares not a jot that he's eating himself to an early grave when you already have your ND child to look after.
In your place I'd give him one chance, just the one, he gets help from the doctors and tries to get back to how he was or it's over, he leaves and has to manage by himself. I know you still care for him but if nothing changes you're going to be a very young widow or worse still stuck being his carer.

Brutally he’ll be hospitalised or dead soon

He sounds depressed and in serious need of support with his mental health.
But if he is not willing/able to do anything about to help himself there is nothing you can do about it.
Leaving him sounds the best option for you all. It might be the wake up call to get help that he needs and it will be better for you and your son.

It sounds as though your husband is really struggling, as a mental health professional I think you should be encouraging him to seek some support. It sounds as though imhe is depressed and eating a lot of food- he needs some help to think about what is going on for him. He might be eating so much as a form of self harm, particularly in the context of diabetes. This is just one example of what might be going on here, aside from just him being lazy. There are lots of possibilities. Do you say some of the things you’ve said here to his face? I can imagine it could be quite shaming and it’s unlikely he’s able to change it himself at this stage. I also wondered whether there could be a broader neurodiversity in the family given you have a child who is ND, obviously that can massively impact on food intake if he is impulsive or sensory seeking. It sounds like you’re doing a good job to keep on top of things OP. If you need to leave you should, but also I think you should be really pushing him to get some help now (as I’m sure you’re already doing). Maybe leaving will be the catalyst he needs to get some support.

I feel so sorry for you. Leave DP. His health will continue to deteriorate until hes bed bound and he'll expect you to be his nursemaid. He's restricting yours and your son's life and will continue to do so. Good luck and best wishes.

Op this is so sad to read, bless you, you need to ask him to leave, you need to concentrate on you and little one op,
Your partner has MH problems he is choosing not to address op, you and mil also nurse have tried to address this with him,

Concentrate on you now, contact council and explain your situation and that you need him out,

Please look after you and little one hopefully mil will understand and continue to support you
💐💐

She's tried. He's refused.

As a mental health professional I would have expected a better post from you, one that is based on ALL her posts.

You could leave with no reason. The ones you listed are more than enough. Your DH sounds like he is a millstone dragging you and your DS down.

This was advice I received about my mum who has alcohol use disorder.

DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR HIM, that he can do for himself. It has given me a huge sense of relief knowing I am not responsible for my mum.

You are not responsible for your partner. He may have something going on, it certainly sounds like he does. But he refuses to do anything about it. You can't keep living like that. You have a lot on with your son, who you do have a responsibility towards.

Tell him he needs to get help or he needs to get out. And mean it.

But from what you have said about how he treats his mum IDK if I would want him around at all

I took your advice and read all the posts (although not really sure why being a MH professional would mean I needed to read everything, I just wanted to jump in quickly and say what I thought was obvious based on the first few posts). Now I can see the OP has said she does think he is ND and does think he is depressed, which is what I thought it sounded like. I still think the same things as I did in my initial post, that he is very depressed and feels ashamed so very unlikely to do anything about it. Like I said, maybe the OP leaving will be the catalyst needed for him to get some support, sometimes that can only happen when people reach rock bottom.

Whatever his addictions are, you can't fix them. Your priority is your actual son who thank goodness has one competent parent, not this man who can't take responsibility for himself let alone his child or (God forbid) his partner.

You don't have to hate him to leave him. You can love him for a distance, because that would be loving your son and loving yourself and doing your DP's parenting job for him, which is loving him. You're carrying his load for him because he can't think about anyone or anything but himself and his addictions.

I’m trying to imagine the genders reversed here and I can’t imagine people hurling abuse and saying she’s a revolving fat pig etc.

The op has directly asked him about his mental health and suggested Andy's Man club. Her partner is denying any mental health issue. It's in one of her updates.

Irrelevant

OP, if you’ve been used to be in a carer for your mum it’s easy to slip into that role with your DP without realising. I understand that he may well have MH issues and that if he has a knee injury it will make it harder for him to exercise and lose weight, but you are absolutely not responsible for his health. My DF never took responsibility for his health in a very different way and yes, he killed himself by neglecting his health issues. Please consider what you want for yourself. It’s enough to be caring for him. Your DP is not taking care of himself, your DC or you. You would be quite justified in leaving him as even if he accepts help it will be a long and tough road for you both. I couldn’t stand it.

Have you read the whole thread? Lots of us called that out (not with the gender reversal trope but in itself) early on, but it's clear that he's been fairly much abusive towards the OP ever since their child was born.

I couldn't love or respect someone like that. It does sound like an addiction but nothing either you or his Mum say will make a difference until he is ready to change himself. It sounds like his Mum will support you. You have obviously tried everything and are at the end of the options so asking him to leave sounds about all you can do.

Also, it makes me sick to much stomach that tax payers are funding all his junk food!

This is no different to if he was drinking himself to death or had a drug problem. He's self-medicating with food and it's killing him. He may think he's not depressed but he's certainly not well, there's something seriously the matter with him and the likelihood is he hates himself.

I can't believe anyone drives 5 doors down the street rather than walking. That's incredible.

You finishing with him could be the wake up call he needs or it may change nothing, but the sad reality is there is absolutely nothing anyone else can do to turn this around for him. Just as with any other addiction, he has to accept he has a problem and want to address it. Giving him a hard time about the state he's got himself into will be counterproductive, just making him dig in and seek comfort in food.

You sound so lovely, I wish I could take you under my wing. You have so much to deal with on your own. You're effectively a single mother to your son and your partner. You'd be so much better off on your own. You could look after yourself and your son and not have all the work he makes for you on top of it.

The diabetes will be doing it's terrible work unseen, destroying his health. He's only going to go downhill from here and become a bigger burden to you as your son grows and needs more of your energy.

The rejection of the weight loss jab is very telling..it sounds like self-sabotage. the challenge of taking control of himself, addressing his problems and getting well feels to big so he's abandoned it with a feeble excuse.

You need to treat this the same as if he was drinking or drugging himself to death. You can't save him but you love him too much to stand by and watch him kill himself slowly.

You know what you have to do. You deserve better than this. You all do.