To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

Would you say the same if someone had an eating disorder like bulimia?

We will be in your corner @lonelyinlondon99! Use all the advice, support and company from the the lovely women on here.

You said you were caring from your mum since you were 14, it sounds like you were already used to having to put someone else's needs before your own from a very young age and that is probably why you have accepted this for so long.

Imagine how your life could be - you come home from a busy, fun day trip at the beach with your son to a cosy home with no takeaway boxes on the table and no one slobbing on the sofa. You cook a nice dinner and feel peaceful.

He’s AWFUL, leave

well, kick him out

Unfortunately he is not the man you fell in love with.... he is someone quite different now.

If you met him now would you fall in love? If not then the relationship has run it's course.

People change over time...and he seems to have evolved in to a very unpleasant individual.... and one that is bringing a lot of negativity into yours and your sons life.

Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with... and if you can cope with this for the rest of his/your life then l wish you luck.

If not, then you are in a very strong position of being independent.

You are not responsible for him. You can not make him change. His Uncle can not make him change.... only he can.

Do you have any friends you can lean on OP? It is incredibly hard to end things when the person you love is so self destructive and yet unwilling to take any responsibility for it.

You do need to put yourself and your little one first. Focus on what you can change and not what you can't.

I would also suggest referring yourself for some therapy. As others have said, it can be easy to repeat patterns such as falling into a caring role (or even aspects of co-dependency) if you don't have any other family etc.

I admit to being fatist and hate gluttony, but he does sound mentally unwell. Food can be an addiction like any other. He’s got to want to change, and if he doesn’t want to I would have to leave him if it were me.

It looks like your only options are left or sit around and watch him cause his own death.

Is he aware this marraige and family life are on the line? If that doesn't see him make an effort, nothing will.

He's at high risks of a stroke if he leaves his diabeties unmanaged. It may be paralyised, unable to walk, talk etc. More difficult to leave then. Leaving might, albeit unlikely, be the way up call he needs.

OP, such a hard place but you sound very strong. You obviously care for him but you realise nothing will change how things are.
Do you think you splitting with him will be a positive catalyst ie telling him its over because you cannot sit back while he slowly kills himself.
Maybe its what he needs to realise how bad things have become.
You obviously will be ok by yourself as you are doing/paying for everything yourself anyway. You will also most likely get UC and he will have to pay maintenance too. So financially you would possibly better off.
If you don't want to cut it fully tell him he needs to go while he sorts himself out as it not fair on you or DC to watch his self destruction. And leave it open (not indefinitely). But I think time apart is definitely what is required for everyone's MH

That would be for his disability. He is not disqualified because it's partly self inflicted. The man clearly has severe mental health problems as well. He needs to see a counsellor and a psychologist to deal with his eating disorder. OfP is at the end of her tether and needs to get some financial and legal advice and am exit strategy out of the relationship at least until he gets his condition definitely control, while she does her best to help their son.