To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

Would you say the same if someone had an eating disorder like bulimia?

We will be in your corner @lonelyinlondon99! Use all the advice, support and company from the the lovely women on here.

You said you were caring from your mum since you were 14, it sounds like you were already used to having to put someone else's needs before your own from a very young age and that is probably why you have accepted this for so long.

Imagine how your life could be - you come home from a busy, fun day trip at the beach with your son to a cosy home with no takeaway boxes on the table and no one slobbing on the sofa. You cook a nice dinner and feel peaceful.

He’s AWFUL, leave

well, kick him out

Unfortunately he is not the man you fell in love with.... he is someone quite different now.

If you met him now would you fall in love? If not then the relationship has run it's course.

People change over time...and he seems to have evolved in to a very unpleasant individual.... and one that is bringing a lot of negativity into yours and your sons life.

Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with... and if you can cope with this for the rest of his/your life then l wish you luck.

If not, then you are in a very strong position of being independent.

You are not responsible for him. You can not make him change. His Uncle can not make him change.... only he can.

Do you have any friends you can lean on OP? It is incredibly hard to end things when the person you love is so self destructive and yet unwilling to take any responsibility for it.

You do need to put yourself and your little one first. Focus on what you can change and not what you can't.

I would also suggest referring yourself for some therapy. As others have said, it can be easy to repeat patterns such as falling into a caring role (or even aspects of co-dependency) if you don't have any other family etc.

I admit to being fatist and hate gluttony, but he does sound mentally unwell. Food can be an addiction like any other. He’s got to want to change, and if he doesn’t want to I would have to leave him if it were me.

It looks like your only options are left or sit around and watch him cause his own death.

Is he aware this marraige and family life are on the line? If that doesn't see him make an effort, nothing will.

He's at high risks of a stroke if he leaves his diabeties unmanaged. It may be paralyised, unable to walk, talk etc. More difficult to leave then. Leaving might, albeit unlikely, be the way up call he needs.

OP, such a hard place but you sound very strong. You obviously care for him but you realise nothing will change how things are.
Do you think you splitting with him will be a positive catalyst ie telling him its over because you cannot sit back while he slowly kills himself.
Maybe its what he needs to realise how bad things have become.
You obviously will be ok by yourself as you are doing/paying for everything yourself anyway. You will also most likely get UC and he will have to pay maintenance too. So financially you would possibly better off.
If you don't want to cut it fully tell him he needs to go while he sorts himself out as it not fair on you or DC to watch his self destruction. And leave it open (not indefinitely). But I think time apart is definitely what is required for everyone's MH

That would be for his disability. He is not disqualified because it's partly self inflicted. The man clearly has severe mental health problems as well. He needs to see a counsellor and a psychologist to deal with his eating disorder. OfP is at the end of her tether and needs to get some financial and legal advice and am exit strategy out of the relationship at least until he gets his condition definitely control, while she does her best to help their son.

This is such a great post.

@lonelyinlondon99 we're here for you no matter what you choose. But you really should get rid of him. The driving comments alone would make me get rid.

Do you have close friends? You need support.

The freedom programme is mentioned a lot on here. Would any mners think it appropriate in this situation?

He sounds awful, I would ask him to leave.

This. And he might well have undiagnosed ND (I'm not saying that just because of your child, but it is true it runs in families). Even if you split up, you might well be very worried about his ability to look after your child when you are not there, so it might cause you more worries.

I have no advice OP, but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely mum. You probably don’t have anyone to tell you that given your personal circumstances. Make sure you prioritise yourself and your son rather than being dragged down 💐

You really think this man would want to see his child after what OP has written? He can't cope with the child even with OP doing everything.

If @lonelyinlondon99 got rid he'd have the lovely dm there no doubt when/if he had ds.

I can't reply or thank you all enough for your replies. They have made me feel so seen & validated. You're all amazing.
This evening took an eventful turn. Some app he uses payment got declined and he asked me to pay it & he will pay me back.
On android you have to go into playstore and update the details for it to take the money. On his list of purchases is dozens of payments to a gaming app.
So whilst i've been at work, asleep or out with DS he's been watching & sending this lady gamer money in the form of gifts. One was for over £35. Most in a day was £50.
He doesn't even buy me or DC anything. I felt like such a mug. He never denied it, just said so? i told him I can't live with him or like this any more and he has to leave. He left under protest, slamming about. I was getting DS bathed & my ringdoor bell went off & then an almighty bang. Looked at the video & he's thrown DS car seat at my door. I have called the council and explained the situation and said i need my locks changing. They're coming out to do it tomorrow. The key is in the lock and the chain is on.
Thank you all again so so much.

Well done! I hope that, once the dust has settled, life starts to pick up for both you and your DS.

Wow @lonelyinlondon99 that's a massive update. He seems to have suddenly found some energy.

I hope the council come early.

You'll feel so free soon. It'll feel weird at first then amazing.

Also @lonelyinlondon99 be careful. He may be more physically capable than he's been letting on. If he threatens you or comes back ring 999.

Bloody hell, he couldn't take the piss any harder could he! His stone cold response actually said plenty. It was only when his comfortable lifestyle was suddenly ended that he was bothered.

Your immediate response to tell him to leave was the best way @lonelyinlondon99 , well done 💐

His temper tantrum damaging your door and potentially your DS's car seat is not acceptable behaviour either. I'm relieved for you that the council should be checking your door and changing the locks promptly.

You took the crucial step towards regaining some peace of mind.

Wow. I'm feeling so proud of you.
Sending strength!

I thought fibro was a diagnosis of exclusion, but sounds like they haven’t excluded lazycuntitis?

you are definitely describing someone with disordered eating and depression.

whats the timeline like was he diagnosed with fibro before or after son was born? Is his knee injury a reason why has stopped walking? i imagine the extra weight will be causing that to be worse painwise ? Its not easy to live with chronic pain & its easy to give up on life.

as others have said you don’t need a reason to end a relationship.

Think you need to talk to him, tell him if he is not prepared to make changes to help himself so he can see his son grow up then you can’t make the relationship work. Explain what you put in the thread re your sons safety and him not being able to run after him. If he tries to make changes then I would try and help him, doesn’t mean you have to stay in the relationship either. Send him to his mums even if just temporary for a break from it. She sounds like a godsend so hope she keeps looking after son whilst you work even though you are returning her man child.

its probably not gonna be easier single but I think it will take a massive weight off your shoulders.

edit. Scrolled up and saw your update, my sympathy for him hust vanished. Don’t let him back!! Absolute waster

Please don't be suckered in and take him back. Youve taken a big step forward dont go backwards.

What a lazy abusive low life. Well done you.