To not understand how you can actually hate all people

[VioletSpeedwell]

I see it all the time on MN. "I hate people." How can that be? I'm quite introverted but need a level of social interaction to thrive. But on MN lots of people love WFH because they hate people, get into their "jammies" at 6pm because they hate people, are "fuming" because a check out operator made small talk, avoid neighbours, decline invitations - all because they hate people.

Weird.

🙄🙄 It would be simpler if people could read body language and take the hint when someone is open to chat or not. That way they can chat away to their hearts content to someone who is not thinking ‘how do I get this to stop without actually being rude’.

Everyone has to interact with others throughout their lives but there is a difference between saying ‘is this train for Paddington’ and ‘let me tell you my life story’.

But that’s the usual Mn whinge about how other people should ‘should know not to do x’ or ‘should be aware of y’.

You can’t control other people’s behaviour, and you can’t make strangers psychically intuit you are appalled by behaviour most people regard as normal.

Anyone with basic social skills can manage these ordinary situations, like an acquaintance stopping to chat on the street when you don’t want to/are in a hurry, or a unwelcomely garrulous person next to you on a train, easily.

It would make far more sense for you to work on your social skills so you can deflect these unwanted situations, rather than fulminating about them.

ETA I mean, I don’t necessarily want the life story of my seatmate on a long train journey either, but it’s not exactly difficult to say ‘Nice talking to you, but I’m going to read/listen to music now’ or whatever.

Rather than telling someone you don't know that they are not something that they know full well they are, you should find out what the definition of introvert is. There's a world of difference between introvert and sociophobe, though it's obviously possible to be both.

Thanks. I know what the definition of introvert is. It's somebody who gets their energy from being alone. Not somebody who "thrives" from social interaction as the OP said.

Of course we all need social interaction to some extent, including introverts. But that's not what the OP said.

Well said.

I don’t mind small talk, a passing greeting or a comment on the weather, chatting in line and not really going anywhere, little things like that.

It is more down to if I have the energy and time for it.

I am not someone who hates people but get why there is an exhaustion maybe ambivalence. The issue I have is the assumption that their time is more important/trumps mine, that I should entertain people due to their own boredom or desire to chat about whatever is on their mind if I don’t want to or have the energy to, even more so when it is obvious that I’m in the middle of something.

I will be polite but I will also be trying to end the conversation especially if I have given every indicator that I wasn’t interested or up to conversation to begin with.

Who said ‘appalled’?

I do say, but that’s uncomfortable for both of us. I don’t have to read body language as I don’t intend to chat. The onus is on them to be aware of who welcomes it.

Surely it’s a win/win - those who are sociable can have a lovely chat and those who aren’t can be left to it.

Then there are those who are tactile with strangers - ugh 🤮

ETA I mean, I don’t necessarily want the life story of my seatmate on a long train journey either, but it’s not exactly difficult to say ‘Nice talking to you, but I’m going to read/listen to music now’ or whatever.

Yet, some still continue or even get angry or annoyed about a stranger not wanting to talk to them.

As the poster said the onus on the people who need/want to chat is on them not the stranger they have decided should want to chat to them.

A bloke insisted on chatting at me on a train once.

I didn’t have headphones.

Saying I wanted to read my magazine didn’t work, he looked at it & commented.

Saying I had a headache & staring out of the window didn’t work, he said “I know I’m not supposed to talk but…”

In the end I got off at the next stop & in again 3 carriages down.

Not really (well, maybe a little more at the moment). 😁

You could argue there’s something missing, in the sense that you seem to need strangers to respond kindly to you. Wanting that kind of interaction suggests a reliance on others being pleasant in return. Maybe that points to something lacking in your personal relationships, or a need for validation, that when someone is nice back, it reassures you that you’re friendly and sociable.

Or maybe it’s something else. Perhaps you don’t always step outside your own perspective to recognise that not everyone has the same mental space or free time that you do. It could be that you take things more personally than intended.

I’m not saying any of this as fact, just offering a few possibilities to consider. ☺️

Re ‘appalled’, I suggest you look back at your language on this thread, and other similar ones. I don’t need to look at your username because I recognise your extreme responses, and your aggrievedness that other people aren’t sufficiently attuned to your body language to leave you strictly alone.

You’re doing that Mn thing where the other person is always at fault and should know better. It’s like those repeated threads where a playground ‘clique’ should, according to some posters, simply know that someone standing alone wants to be talked to and included, whereas others like you feel that it should be obvious from the body language of someone standing alone at school pick-up that they want to be left alone.

I would say that the only behaviour you can control is your own. If you can’t communicate verbally that you don’t want to chat, I think you need to consider other options. You’ve said you have AuDHD. A sunflower lanyard?

Wow OK. I’m sorry if being ND makes me seem extreme.

How is a sunflower lanyard going to help? It only indicates the fact someone has a disability.

I CAN use my words but I would prefer not to be put in that position. If you want to insert yourself into someone’s day, why is it not on you to make sure it’s welcome and not an intrusion? Surely that’s the logical way of doing it!?

Those are very interesting points

Would you choose to start talking to someone who is reading a book/something on their phone, have earphones/headphones on, head resting on the window and starting to nod off, staring out the window with their body tilted towards it?

Those are obvious non-verbal signs to most people that such people want to be left alone.

As pp mentioned, some people ignore those that ask strangers to leave them alone and they had to move seats. No one should have to move seats because a stranger can’t accept someone not wanting to chat with them.

Exactly that - I always have EarPods in (even if I’m not listening to anything), am always obviously looking at one device (or sometimes two) and sit with my body facing away from the other person. I don’t look at people when they sit down.

Yet people’s need to talk seems to render them completely unaware!

@phoenixrosehere @LiviaDrusillaAugusta

Yes, I have to say I thought the same. It’s a bit of a strange demand, I feel, to want and expect everyone to respond to your advances of interaction.

Also I’m curious, if you feel offended when someone doesn’t respond kindly to your small talk, where do you draw the line? Do you expect everyone you approach to be friendly in return? And how can you really know a stranger’s intentions or how they might interpret your need for conversation.

Do you smile at everyone and try to start conversations with everyone you meet? If not, what determines who you choose to approach? How do they qualify? And do you take it personally when someone doesn’t respond how you want them to, does it make you feel like you’re not likeable or wanted? Does it make you feel less of the other person, without knowing anything about them, their lives, their story what they’re dealing with internally. It seems like an odd need to me.

The number one predictor of how long you live, whether you get heart disease, dementia, all kinds of illnesses, once you've ruled out very obvious connections like lung cancer/smoking, is 'loose social connections' or 'weak ties'.

The stats are there: knowing people, mattering to people, and being connected in with where you live is good for you on so many levels. It reduces social isolation and loneliness which are predictors of poorer health and cognitive decline later in life.

The fact that some people don't seem to like others is irrelevant to these stats!

Of course, this is about averages, and for any individual they may feel that minor social interaction is disadvantageous or unpleasant to them personally, but in general, people do better with some social connectedness, not just for the interaction itself but they are more likely to know more (new knowledge/info about world) and have better mental health.

This is not about friendship, although friends count too, in their protective health benefit.

I think it's a bit like exercise, some love it and go to the gym, some don't but make themselves do a bit and some are couch potatoes. All types of people will benefit from taking exercise even if the enjoyment level varies.

That’s a fair point. I think that reinforces my point, that when something’s missing in people’s personal lives, it often shows up as a need for connection. But I think you’ve got to appreciate that you can’t expect strangers to fill that gap and get upset when they don’t, especially when many of them are already dealing with their own struggles.

Disagree - both those things apply to me. I think it's generally true that introverts need solitude in order to recharge, but it doesn't mean we don't need any social interaction or friends, or want to be alone all the time. I think that only really applies to actual hermits.

DH and I are both introverts. It only works because we spend quite a lot of time apart - and even then it can be an effort at times. 😄I love DH but I also loved living on my own, and I think he did too, so there was an element of sacrifice involved in deciding to live together/get married.

I don't think it would work at all if one of us was an extrovert and the other an introvert.

So it’s more important to talk to random people than it is to be surrounded by people you love and who love you? How do they work that out?It sounds like something that was made up by people who insist on interrupting strangers as they go about their business!

Exactly this - I don’t exist to fulfill the needs of people who have something missing in their lives. Especially when their actions make them feel better but make me feel worse.

I can see how that would work, I’m glad you two have it sorted!

First, if you live in a small community, they wouldn't be random, and second, it's about being seen as another human, having a slightly bigger purpose than yourself, gaining knowledge (even who is a great window cleaner), feeling you matter or someone would notice if you weren't there. People who are socially isolated are also cognitively and emotionally isolated (in general).

Friends and loved ones also matter, but few people live by all their family and their friends- if they do, that's often protective unless it puts a caring burden on you in which case if you are woman you do worse.

The people who are in my local shop aren't 'randoms', I see them many times a week and people get small dopamine boosts from people knowing who they are.

If you don't or you don't live in that type of community, it's not an issue for me, I'm just telling you what the science says! Connections matter. I do believe a very few people can be socially and emotionally isolated and do fine, but most don't, and cognitively it's not good for you (no exposure to other perspectives, making you think through different ideas).