POSSIBLE DV PLEASE HELP. DISTURBING MESSAGE FROM FRIEND

[Hilary101]

I just had a disturbing crying phone call and text from my friend. I don’t know what to do.

My friend, 22 became really sick few years ago. Had to quit sixth form. Couldn’t work. Doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her, they can’t find anything. She’s been having many tests. She cant/struggling to cook, shower, walk much. Fainting a lot. So far they only diagnosed her with POTS but she is fighting for more tests.

she moved in with her mother who’s been financially supporting her. She hasn’t applied for any disability benefits as she is undiagnosed and she was told pots is not really considered a real or severe enough illness.

She shared her mother has been abusive. She switches from overly sweet and nice to other times throwing things at her, screaming at her, insulting her, swearing at her, etc and there were a few times she has hit her, punched her, kicked her and pulled her hair.

btw her mother, her ex husband also cut contact from her as she was abusive towards him.

today I call her and she is crying saying she can’t take it anymore she wants to die. And sends me a photo of her hand that is covered in scratches.

her mother attacked her again and left her hand in scratches.

she has zero other family.

what should I do? This is all so horrible and I don’t even know what to reply. She lives in east London btw, Redbridge.

Hilary, please contact Refuge or Women’s Aid in the morning. They can provide useful advice. Try to get some sleep now. You need to stay strong to help your friend.

Does she want to collect her stuff from her mum's or is she happy to leave it so she doesn't have to see her mum again.

She sounds like she may be vulnerable adult so local safeguarding need to be aware, the LADO will want a case open.

You cant un-hear the message. Get her out of there to yours ASAP and call the police. It seems much more likely in DV situations that she will be killed if you don’t than if you do get authorities involved.

I hope you both managed some sleep.
Practicalities now, your friend should present as homeless to the council, she should make a report to the police as this will record what is happening. Abuse of disabled people by family members is a thing, is there any charity or organisation set up to give advice on this? She needs a talk with her GP for any help available. She might approach CAB for help with benefits generally and PIP in particular, it is based on your daily life rather than diagnosis so might be worth trying.

Police can help with safe collection.
Stuff matters less than life. Think of it like fleeing a war zone?

With any luck, the OP won't be coming back and/or will ask for the thread to be pulled, for confidentiality and safety, because the police will be involved.

The threat to life is described as an ongoing narrative. It’s not even stated that the woman threatened her life last night.

you think you can phone 999 and say “my mum is abusing me and threatens to kill me” “when did she threaten to kill you?”
“December 23rd, January 9th and April 10th”

and you’ll get an immediate blue light response?
No, a long term threat requires a long term solution. Something to deal with in the light of day.
It appears straightforward for the victim to have gotten to a place of safety, so ò Cthere was no requirement for police presence last night. Today, this can be Reported and actioned with a better medium term plan.

Yes, I do think you can phone 999 and say, "I am in the house of a volatile person who threatens to kill me and might do so at any time."

Your interventions are not helpful. Especially as the aggressor may well go looking when she finds her victim is gone.

Abuse by family members is called familial abuse and is dealt with by domestic abuse organisations such as the ones that have been listed in this thread.

This is the one local to OPs area:

https://www.solacewomensaid.org/our-services/solace-in-redbridge-sass/

This is true. Once she has got away from the situation and is in a safe space, making a full disclosure to police about the ongoing long-term abuse is the best option rather than an emergency response.

I went through this with my ex who abused me and our daughter.

Reporting via the online form got me a quicker response than 101 or 999. Calling 999 when he was actively hunting for us and had eventually found us did nothing. Police kept saying they'd send people and didn't. Trying to report via 101 resulted in them repeatedly cutting me off while waiting.

I would suggest the OP reports via the online form:
https://www.met.police.uk/ro/report/domestic-abuse/a1/report-domestic-abuse/

and also raises a safeguarding concern with the local council https://las-portal.adultsocialcare.redbridge.gov.uk/web/portal/pages/abuse#assess

That way her friend won't hear her phoning. Makes it a bit easier to do.

Reported for personal (and sexist) attack.
Plenty of experience dealing with DV, sadly.

I am sorry you had this experience.
It certainly hasn't been mine.

Who was she living with before she moved in with her mother?

Did you phone your police while she was sleeping?

Yeah, I called them 9 times over the course of an afternoon and evening. This included the people who I was sheltering with calling them twice from their own phones. They were absolutely petrified as he was outside their flat trying to gain entry while I hid in the back bedroom where our daughter was sleeping. He'd already spent the afternoon live streaming on FB my and our daughter's possessions in the drive of our own property, threatening to smash them up and get people up from the city to come and do me in - my first phone call to police was then... I was at a 5 year olds birthday party at a soft play.

They never came.

They only responded when I submitted an online report the next day because he had sent intimate images of me to my friend's husband. They made an appointment to come 2 days later. Both me and the friend sheltering me had to hide in the property with our little ones until the police officer turned up 2 days later. Took the first half of my statement, which took 8 hours. He got arrested late that night after police gained entry to our house with the red key. Detectives came back at 8 the next morning to take the other half of my statement, which took another 8 hours. He was charged that evening and is still in prison now. It happened in 2022.

It’s strange you haven’t called the police yet, OP. She’s not in danger from her mother now. I’m guessing you have at least phoned one of the domestic abuse charities mentioned?

Hi all,
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Best,
Hope

Then I think you need to contact the police. Someone has to.

Adult safeguarding referral on your local council website.

Bipolar disorder? Why? Seem a bit of a strange assumption?