No one likes being left out

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DD 12 in year 7 hates leaving anyone out and obviously doesn't like it much when she is left out although I tell her it's normal to not be invited to everything.

She has made a group of friends, there are 7 of them. They hang out at school and have had other meet ups as a group (not always the same girls). Dd likes all her friends but she is closer to 3 of them.

She isn't enjoying the big group stuff much at the moment as the girls have started egging each other on and it gets a bit full on, typical for this age. Dd would like to invite 4 of the group, which means 2 are left out so she is inviting 3 but leaving out a girl she really likes and wants to get to know better.

YABU = Invite the 4 you like and don't be too concerned about the 2 that are left out as dd not that close with them (still not nice for them)

YANBU = invite only 3 so 3 are not invited rather than 2.

Alternative is to invite only 3 (half the group), but arrange something with the girl she likes who isn't invited separately. This girl is lovely and dd likes her a lot and dd has been invited to her house a few times.

She should invite whoever she wants. Don’t leave out the nice one, imagine how hurt she’ll be!

imagine how hurt she’ll be!
I know 😥

But what of the other 2 that are 'left out' dd not as close with them but they are part of the friendship group.

Invite to what? Am I missing something?

Hang out at home and maybe go to the park.

Ok, I thought you meant a party.
I'm that case, invite the one she likes most!

Just let her invite who she wants to. Don’t let her be a pushover.

She'd feel sorry for the lovely girl who she is getting a bit closer with but we thought leaving 3 out was less mean to all 3 than leaving only 2 out. It's tricky, you hear it so often that 1 or 2 don't get asked along and it can get demoralising. But dd simply does not enjoy a huge crowd and inviting 4 is plenty.

I had assumed it was a party.

If it is just to 'hang out at home or the park' , then if she isn't much of a fan of big groups, it seems daft to invite 4, or even 3.
She should just invite the one she wants to get to know better (particularly as she has been to her house already). Definitely no more than 2 others.
At another time, she can say 'I'm going to the park at 2.30 if anyone is free to join' or similar, or when she wants a game of 5 a side or something, but 5 (or even 4) people just hanging at your house, or wandering round the shops is too many unless they come as a tight knit group of 4.

why not just have the nice friend over and then get them all to meet at the park

its splitting the group and could back fire in your dd if she starts to get left out

Let her decide.

Girly we highly political. This will raise eyebrows amongst them. 3 is still a lot. If you are doing 3, may as well do 5 so she isn’t the ‘target’ when one of the other girls do it.

It’s also nearly the end of the year and naturally will be easier over summer to invite some and but others when they aren’t all together everyday.

School is the long game, play the politics as girls get bitchy fast. She wouldn’t want to be the one not invited and would feel crappy. They’re still forming circles.

If she proceeds she has to blame you…”Mum
said I can have max 3 people over” sad face.

She should invite whoever she wants. This goes for general gatherings, birthdays, weddings, whatever. I’m all for being kind but all this ‘everyone gets an invite’ attitude does is make the kind kid miserable. They never get to celebrate a special occasion the way they want because they feel under obligation to so many other people.

If she invites the 'new girl' and leaves out 2 others of the group they will be annoyed/upset. If she doesn't invite 3 that is still splitting up the friendship group, it would be easier if it was something with limited numbers due to cost or location, but just leaving people out when they are just hanging out seems a bit mean to me.

You posts sound a little dramatic she needs to invite who she wants you can to do 'yeah but what about' all you like people can't please everyone and maybe they dont actually want to go? no offense to your child personally but just because someone is invited doesnt mean they want to go same as your child may not be invited to every social event ever

you cant do other peoples thinking for them

As they get older the groups pare down.

She needs to learn it’s ok not to invite everyone all the time. Sounds like she needs some help on this from you.

I agree. Do somethibg with one or all. If she is not really enjoying hanging out with the group then leave the group to it and find other friends rather than cause a divide .

Personally I’d do 1:1 or the whole group. This is how mean girl politics gets amplified by people justifying this kind of exclusion.

I agree with playing the long game - even if you aren’t worried about the other kids, do you want your daughter to to be “fair game” to be left out of everything else going forward?

She should just invite everyone - splitting friendship groups in half like that is mean.

Whatever you do, do not allow her to just leave 1 girl out. It will end badly for your DD and is really not nice. Either invite 2-3 or all of them

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit mean but could you have passed on some anxiety about this?

Leaving only one out would be obviously mean. Other than that she should be able to figure this out herself, make her own mistakes and learn from them.

Are you an overthinker and possibly passing this on to your child?
School is brutal. Girls groups change fast. If she leaves them out she will be the next one left out and doesn't seem like she will like that. Just invite them all for now then over summer she can mix it up.
You've already said she likes all the girls so, unless you're about To drip feed information, to be honest I think you're encouraging some quite petty and mean girl behaviour if your daughter. Sounds like you both want to reduce the friendship group to just the ones she Really Likes vs just likes. Good luck because this behaviour will backfire and she will have to find new friends.

Off topic but my God there are some really good strategic thinkers on this thread, I would never have thought of the long game ramifications, leave it till summer, etc. I also have a DD12 and I’ve half a mind to hire some of you as strategy consultants… am gormless about this stuff and it’s a bit of a minefield.
(NB I do follow the MN advice to try and stay out of playground politics but teen girl friendships are next level)

Leave it till summer is a genuinely good bit of advice, I agree!

I'd personally encourage 1:1 or whole group.

Because whoever she leaves out will then leave her out and, apart from that upsetting her, it means that the left out ones might grow closer and "steal" some of your daughters favourite friends if and when the group fractures.

I'm sure your daughter is lovely and I'm not dissing her but she has no way of knowing the people she likes and like her "the most" and would "side" with her.

Secondary school girls is a masterclass in politics, not friendship, and if she starts making her circle smaller ot may backfire and leave her on the outside.

It's the park. It's a public space. A big group of girls going to the park is not overcrowding. And sorry thus sounds so rude but she's at secondary school now, she needs to navigate going to the park with her friends herself. It's not something to supervise or get pulled into.

It will backfire if she only invites some of the group to the park.