AIBU to feel hurt my relatives have cut us all off?

[Sarah3110]

My mum has offended my aunties, not purposely but she has upset them. They blocked her and myself and my siblings and all our cousins have cut us out too. I tried reaching out in various ways, I wrote a letter too. I don’t see why we are being ignored when my mum’s at fault, we’re all adults. What do I do? I don’t think this will sort its self easily but I’ve really tried. If only they had tried to talk to us first.

Have you discussed this with mum? Is she willing/able to sort out whatever happened in the first place so the mega ban can be lifted? It seems a huge reaction unless mum was guilty of something really heinous (unlikely!) and possibly they will calm down as time passes. I'd be tempted to stop chasing them but carry on with your normal birthday cards/presents etc. You are not guilty of anything so this does sound very childish tbh.

Im sorry that must be upsetting.
It does seem an extreme response to an offence caused that wasn't on purpose both to your mum and especially to you and your siblings.
Although without knowing exactly what your mum did that caused the whole family such offence/upset its difficult to know if them cutting you out is unreasonable.
What did you say in your letter to them and how long has it been that youve had no response(sometimes when porcessing is needed a response can take some time)

You aren't being unreasonable at all, @Sarah3110 - your aunts and cousins should not be punishing you for whatever caused the issues between your mum and her sisters!

@Sarah3110 I can only assume that it’s the easiest route for them. It’s been decided that they no longer want the relationship with your mother. They don’t want to discuss it, think about it or even have to spend the time justifying their decision. Cutting you all off allows this to happen.

My mum is really hurt and upset but is letting her pride get in the way of sorting things. In my letter I apologised for what had happened, hoped they were ok, said I wouldn’t speak on behalf of my mum but I hoped things could be resolved but if not could she see me and my siblings are separate from it and still have a relationship if she felt comfortable. I told them I really cared about them all and how upset we were that this had all happened. It’s starting to feel like they mustn’t have valued the relationship that much to just cut us off.

Agree with this. Besides, whether your mother meant to upset them or not is not really the point. She did. And they're making decisions on the basis of that. No one here knows what she said, or whether it's a pattern.

How long has it been? If they are feeling very hurt and upset, they may just need more time for things to cool off and get over what happened. You've said you apologised, even though it wasn't you that upset them - do you think they feel you're taking your mum's side? Maybe they feel being in contact with you means anything they discuss with you would get back to your mum and they don't want her knowing their business?

They don’t want to be reminded of your mum at the moment, so letters from you won’t work.

You need to sit this one out until the sisters all make amends.

Agree with this. You've said your piece but really it's up to your mum & her sisters to work it out. Your aunties obviously want some breathing space.

A lot will hinge on what your mum actually did, intended or not, and whether it's a pattern of behaviour and they've just had enough.

Depends what the other side of the story is.

We often hear these stories from the other side, and invariably the person doing the cutting off gets nothing but support.

I suspect that if you and your mum are all very close they see your whole family as toxic, and your mum has just emphasised that and given them a reason to, in their mind, finally cut you all off.

Is this recent? I’d advise giving it time to blow over now. Sometimes badgering people just keeps the feud in the forefront of everyone’s minds.

When my late mil fell out with her brother, she expected us all to cut off that part of the family. We didn’t, so she fell out with us as well!
Some families are like that, and could be that although it is hurtful, you might be better off without them.

Could they be worried that they'd be making you choose between them and your mum?

Without knowing how bad what your mum says was it's hard to say who is unreasonable. If it was something that's really hurt them then cutting off everyone associated might be something that they feel they have to do to protect themselves even if they don't actually blame you. I think all you can do is keep the metaphorical door open here.

I just apologised because my mum had hurt them and I felt a sense of responsibility. I just wished they would at least have a civil relationship with me. I’ve went from having a good relationship and talking to them one day to them not speaking to me the next.

Were you actually responsible for the hurt? You can't usually control how other people behave and shouldn't need to apologise for them.

If they’re that petty, to cut others off because of one person, I’d wave them off cheerily and forget them.

And, yes, I have done it.

No I wasn’t responsible at all, I just wanted them to know I was sorry mum hurt them, that I cared, that I’d love to have a relationship separate from my mum if that’s what they wanted and just to let them know I’m always here if they ever change their minds.

The way they have acted is incredibly hurtful and immature (regardless of your mums actions).

I know it's really really hard but it might be best just to totally leave it now until they come to you. Were you close with them before?

If you want to remain in contact you should of totally separated yourself from your mum to them
that letter sounds very much mum focused they’ll see you as an extension of her
your heavily invested and if they said anything to you it would go straight back to your mum

you shouldn’t of apologised or mentioned your mum just you wish to remain in contact and any talk about your mum is totally separate and off limits

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Another who feels we can't really comment without hearing this from the side of the Aunts / cousins too.

It seems a very extreme reaction to their sibling / Aunt 'accidently upsetting them' or 'offending them' so there is clearly a lot more to the story than your Mum just 'offending them' with one remark.

Not family related but I don't associate with people that I knew at school because of bad memories and associations. It doesn't mean I blame all of these peoples as individuals and I get that it's not really "fair" but it's what's needed for my mental health. Could these family members feel similarly?

They don’t want the risk of flying monkeys.

You’ve already in your letter mentioned it and you mother rather than just a personal heartfelt you want to still be in contact with no mention of your mother.

My DHs family (sister) did that with me. Now our daughter is ill ( their niece) and their pride means she doesn’t get a visit from them. It’s a pathetic way to conduct yourself in my opinion and they need to grow up. Just be the bigger person and let them know you don’t have a problem ( it’s all them!). There’s not much more you can do.

I’m going to leave it for now and see what happens. If I don’t hear anything I’ll still send them a Christmas card and maybe put a brief note in it. I’m so devastated by this I feel almost like I’m grieving. Thanks for your comments everyone.

I agree with this. It's very petty.