AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

Maybe it’s the Nieces half sister via the dad , rather than ops sisters child who lived with op

Anyway, thank you to PPs for so clearly showcasing how systemic child abuse is allowed to continue so extensively - no one feels like it's their problem. Everyone thinks (hopes) that the abused child must be very challenging and have contributed to their own misfortune. They like to imagine it's all very complicated, and most importantly, doesn't concern them.

Literally nobody has said they contributed to their own misfortune.

I’m so sorry for what you experienced but you’re making assumptions and inferring things that simply aren’t there.

Actually, what you’re seeing is people with experience and a view from the other side pointing out that it’s not always the right thing to do.

No, not if the aunt doesn’t want to do it. I wouldn’t do it either. The ones responsible for this situation are the actual parents, not the aunt.

If you want to think me a sick wicked person, then by all means go for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Repeatedly conjecturing upon how difficult the niece is likely to be, or likely to become, is a form of this. I'm not projecting, but rather referring to a theme that has appeared across previous posts.

big difference between me taking her in and op letting her own family go into care. No.1 rule you look after your own.

You are being remarkably judgmental and throwing insults around whilst completely minimising/demonstrating zero understanding of what fostering actually involves. Perhaps try listening to people on here who have lived experience instead of deciding you know best about something you openly acknowledge you have zero experience of, other than the fact that you have nieces.

It's down to good old-fashioned selfishness and coldheartedness. Most people just don't care about others including their extended family. All they care about is their own children - MY genes, MY genes, MY genes. Makes me utterly sick.

ForCosyLion posts should be disregarded OP… apologies and appreciate the huge seriousness of your situation. Sometimes we get drunks on these late night posts ❤️

Pretty much the everyone has said I’d like to think I’d take my niece or nephew in but I’m not naive or arrogant enough to assume it would necessarily happen like that.

Which has been the view of the posters with actual evidence experience of caring for children like this, not just people full of hypothetical righteous indignation.

No it really isn’t.

It’s people who explaining why it might be challenging for a kinship carer to take them on.

This thread is cold.

OP - it is reasonable to be angry at your sister. But, if she doesn’t want to, then she doesn’t want to. Which sucks. But she could at least agree so that you can take her.

I find family values have gone out of the window and it’s sad. Strong families are the foundations of all communities- we know it deep down.

We’ve somehow made teens and children appear to be horrible monsters. But umm, we were all teens once and we were all kids once. And I am sure we have adults that have shaped our world views.

I am there for my kids, and OP, your nieces mum/ your sister sounds like she really isn’t in a good place. But if something was to happen to me, one of my prayers is always that my children stay in safe hands. And that someone at least in the family takes them on.

So I think, yes, as family, I think uncles and aunties should look out for nieces and nephews, and support where they can. I have seen it in my family. I’ve even taken on a kid for a short period of time. It’s bloody hard work, but set some structure, get to know the kid, get support.

Maybe this is part of the individualist society we’ve become. It’s every man and kid for themselves? ,

Hang on, haven’t you repeatedly told us you’re so angry cos it’s HER NIECE, and not just any old kid in care?

So are genes important to you or not?

I hate to say it but should you ever find this a situation you’re in you’d need to adjust your mindset quite quickly.

When you foster they ask you about your viewpoints. ‘Because it’s family’ won’t cut it. They want to know that you understand the potential pitfalls of placements. Saying ‘she’s a good girl’ wouldn’t hold much weight either.

Assuming it’s something you SHOULD do would ring great big alarm bells.

Hey, whatever you need to tell yourself to neutralise the knowledge that you're the sort of person who would rather your teenage niece was subjected to abuse than take her in.

Hyperbole much? No one has said they would happily let their niece be raped.

You are a nasty piece of work. I hope no one vulnerable actually needs you.

you are ridiculous. I was adopted out of the care system by people who absolutely did not want me. it was hell on earth. I would much rather have grown up in the care system.

This is a difficult, upsetting topic and I think this thread is taking a sneery and dismissive direction. I don't think anyone is under the illusion that kinship care is always possible, or the best option.

OP, I wish you and your DN the very best. Whatever happens, she will need a caring relative like you looking out for her.

Many people are only interested in their own progeny and, as we can see on this thread, would be happy to subject a niece to the abuse of the care system. That's what I meant. God, having my nieces over to the care system would have ripped my heart out of my chest. I do not understand how anyone can have so little love for their niece that they would throw her to the dogs like this.

I don't think anyone has suggested that the family should walk away from the child. There are many ways to support without taking on a full time parenting role - I think you mentioned earlier about wishing you had someone who would ask questions and be curious about what is happening for example.
In my experience there are often people in the wider family who might be well placed to advocate for a young person, or deal with practical stuff like education battles, or take them out to do the fun stuff, or have them for sleepovers etc, who (for many reasons) wouldn't either be in a position to, or wouldn't be suited to, being a full time substitute parent. It would be great if every one could step up, but as much as the care system has problems, trying to keep children with relatives where it's just not a good fit, or they're doing it out of guilt, really doesn't help either. It may be if social services can find another carer and the aunt no longer feels the pressure from them of having to make it work, that she might feel more inclined to help in other ways.

Yes, that can happen too. Either can happen when a child is put into a system where no one really cares about them. I'm sorry for your experiences.