AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

i think mum walked out on the 14 year old, 10 years ago, and dad carried on procreating. 6 year old is 14 year old's half sister, at a guess.

This!!

If that’s the case, why would OP have taken her in when she isn’t a blood relative?

Your sister is entitled to live her life the way she chooses. I would wonder why your niece can’t stay with you when your sister is on holiday etc. I would be doing everything possible to prevent her going into care. As you probably know she is unlikely to stay with one family she is likely to be moved around to multiple foster carers with school changes and even children’s homes if foster carers are not available. Yes your sister is coming across selfish and I think you are angry with her but your other sister is an even bigger issue. However it seems to be you picking up the pieces.

I could well see me being the sister OP is angry at in this scenario. I have no kids mainly because I knew I didn't have the temperament or patience for it, I need a lot of peace and quiet and order to maintain my mental equilibrium and those things obviously don't sit well with being a parent!

For the record, I'm not a child hater, I enjoy seeing my friends' children and am kind to children in public places etc.

I have a teenage niece I haven't seen since she was about 4 (my family is quite fragmented and dysfunctional and we all live hundreds of miles from each other), and a 5 year old nephew I've never met. Other than DNA, I have zero connection to either of them, and I don't love them because I don't know them. It would be like asking me to take on some random child off the street.

Because of the ages and home setups of other people in the family, I'm pretty sure I'd be seen as the 'best' option, particularly for the 5 year old (who is ND with challenging behaviour). Whilst practically I might look like the best solution (no other kids, space, money etc), emotionally I'd probably be the worst and I can't foresee any other outcome than me hating every minute of it, potentially losing my (full on, demanding) career and my marriage in the process. I wouldn't be willing to do that for a child I barely know. If that makes me a monster so be it. I would be happy to advocate and support, and do sleepovers etc, but not to have them live with me.

I'd be interested to know what kind of relationship the sister that OP is criticising had with the 14 yo prior to her going to live with her. I suspect if I had a close loving regular relationship with my niblings (or even knew them!) I might feel differently about it, it's difficult to say.

How desperately sad.
Poor, poor kid.
I’ll know it’s going to be a huge ask but in your position I would take her myself. I couldn’t not.

I'm so sorry to hear of this situation and really sad for the child, who has done nothing wrong.
But you can't force someone to permanently take a child which isn't theirs, even if they are family related.
I certainly wouldn't do it. Your sister has been upfront about what she can offer and what she can't, she has a right to live her own life and shouldn't be forced (or guilted) into having someone else's teenager if she doesn't feel she can do it.

I think you're angry at the wrong person. While it wouldn't be my choice to see a child I know go into care rather than live with me, I can understand why someone else might make that choice, and it's thoughtless to assume it's an easy, glib choice because they're selfish or can't be arsed. Maybe your sister sees how difficult your little one is and how hard your life is and doesn't think she'd be able to do it. Maybe she thinks it would do more harm than good for yout niece to live with someone who doesn't want her. Maybe she's angry at the child's mother/father for not being there for their children and doesn't see why she should step in to pick up the pieces. A child is a lifelong committment. And if you know it's not for you, it is sensible to try to find a better home for the child.

I do have kids, I had a large family. I've done foster caring for non-related children. At one time I wouldn't have hesitated to take on a niece or nephew if necessary. When I was in the thick of raising my own family, what's one more? Gladly would have added another. I have specialised qualifications that would make me a great choice. However, I would have to acknowledge that at this time of my life, it is not something I can take on right now. It wouldn't be in my best interests, it wouldn't be in the interests of my family still at home, it wouldn't be in my husband's best interests. For the reasons that is the case, it wouldn't necessarily be in the niblings best interests either. I would have to say no if asked and if anyone called me selfish, they are welcome to walk a mile in my shoes as they are at present. Sometimes, you just have to say no and that's okay.

Who else does your sister live with?

Surely they get a say as a well?

So you want her to do it, but won’t?

It is a shame people like your sister and the father of your niece couldn't be forcibly sterilised once they'd proven they were unfit to care for children once.

It is a cruelty to keep letting them do this to children, who have a right to a safe and stable family.

agree, but youll have people shouting that’s against their human rights and next time may be better…

As a child who was in care if you can do anything to stop that from happening do it.
The impact it will have on your niece will be awful, your sister seems very blinded to the care system.

Although unfortunately you can not make her, I would talk to the social worker of your niece and see if there is support for you to accommodate her as it will cost them £1000s to home her then keep her within the family.

This.

There are so many threads at the moment about the unfair expectation of the women in the family to assume child care responsibilities for someone else's children.

And here we have a thread of women calling this woman selfish for not wanting to accept full time responsibility and care of what is going to be a very troubled (because she will be no matter how lovely or nice she also is) teenager.

It's a shit situation but it is not a moral failing of this woman that she doesn't want to upend her own life because someone else had children they are unable to care for!

It's hard enough raising and supporting children/teenagers when they are your own very much loved and wanted children. No one should be forced or guilted into having children they do not want and did not choose.

At one time I wouldn't have hesitated to take on a niece or nephew if necessary. When I was in the thick of raising my own family, what's one more? Gladly would have added another.

Exactly. My children are adults now and have flown the nest. My niece is still 13. I'd also gladly have taken her if necessary when they were all younger and my whole life was around raising children. She'd also have been an established member of the household by the time my children moved out and part of the package. But she is nearly 14 and my life is that of an 'empty nester'. I would feel far less inclined to take on the responsibility now.

I'm sorry you had the care experience. However, the needs of those who live in the household already - the children, the foster mother/father - all are just as important as the needs of the niece. It's okay to say no if you can't do it. I know I am far too stretched at the moment to even consider that sort of thing and I don't have the space.

No I don't see why your sister shouod do this if she doesn't want to. You take responsibility rather than foisting on to somebody else.

You’ve convinced yourself that you’re this wonderful, selfless person and everyone else is vile and cruel. The irony is that you’re the one who’s coming across as absolutely awful (and slightly more unhinged with each post, frankly).

Thats why I said you can not make her and that in my experience I would do what I could to make sure that didnt happen.

I would do it for my nephews and neices in a heartbeat,but then I have had lived experience and no what the outcomes are esp for teenagers and I was 10 when I went into care.

But I do appreciate every one has different opinions and home/family dynamics so I would never judge those that can not.
Just look at all options thats all.

Surely the “mum” could have left the now 14 year-old with the deadbeat dad, then got pregnant by someone else? It’s not unlikely given her approach to parental responsibility!

Reading this through again I suspect it is far more likely an explanation that your sister took her neice in with good intentions but has found this child to be more difficult to live with than she expected. What 14 year old girl is easy, never mind one with a disrupted childhood?

You took in a baby, there's a world of difference between that and taking in a teenager when your own children are all responsible adults and you have felt the taste of freedom after years of responsibility.

It is desperately sad for the child, but blood is not always thicker than water, and for good reason. I hope she lands on her feet.

Your sister has essentially taken in her niece but didn't really want too. She felt obliged to take her, because she's a family member. Given that your niece has been permanently removed from her Dad's care and hasn't had contact with her Mum for 10 years, I have to assume that your niece has perhaps had a chaotic and unstable childhood? That kind of environment, can lead to children displaying all kinds of behavioural issues, due to their upbringing. Is your niece difficult (for the want of a better word), with challenging behaviour? Could your sister be struggling if there's behaviour issues?

If your sister doesn't have children, regardless of the reason behind that, then her life is following a different path. She's allowed to be child-free and to enjoy her child-free life. Equally, we assume all women, simply because they are women, are maternal...not all are!

Personally, I think it's far better to be honest and say now, if your sister doesn't want to take on her niece permanently. Your niece is likely already traumatised from her upbringing, her living in a home where she knows she's not really wanted, will do awful damage to her self-esteem.

If push came to shove, could you realistically take on the responsibility of your niece? I appreciate you are looking after her younger sibling, but could it work? If it came down to your niece going into care or partitioning a room? If it really won't work, then unless another family member is willing to take her, then you won't have any other option, she will have to go into care. If she's lucky it might be foster care, but in all honesty it might be a group home instead.

I understand your frustration. Because your sisters refusal is going to mean you will take her in I imagine, and this will increase pressure on you, when you'd have understandably preferred to share the load.
However your anger at your sister is misdirected. She is not the sibling who has failed in their responsibility. And if she feels she can't or doesn't want to compensate for your other siblings failures, just because of shared blood, I get that too.
I think your best bet is to accept her decision and figure out where that leaves you, and if you take her, what support might be available from services to lighten the load.

I have lived experience working in the field and as a foster carer. This is my area of expertise. It gives me a greater appreciation for why it is not always the best for family to step up, even if they want to.

If you are going to have her & the "problem" is the sharing, then surely you sort that now?

Your sister won't change her mind.

Presumably no one from the father's side stepped up either?

I can see why you're pissed off but she hs made her decision.