AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

It's not a small amount of DNA, actually. You share the same amount of DNA with a nibling as you would with a grandparent or half-sibling. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that most normal people feel love for their vulnerable young family members, whether they are related by blood, marriage, or adoption.

It's truly unbelievable, isn't it. And yet there are so many on this thread. They really do walk among us.

Right back atcha.

Thank you for pointing out what vulnerable teenage girls face in the care system and the likelihood of terrible outcomes.

But holidays!

People who don't have kids should not have them. It's not your sisters fault your brother is a bum. She doesn't owe anyone her home, time and money. She has no kids I the home? Maybe because she bloody well doesn't want kids!

It's not just 'suck it up for a few years'. What if the kid wants to go to uni? Will that be her responsibility too or will you have saved enough ny then to contribute your share? Hmm...

Childfree doesn't mean free babysitter for everyone else's kids.

I think you’re projecting your anger at the wrong sister. Don’t get me wrong this situation is absolutely awful for the children involved but your sister shouldn’t feel forced to uproot her life based on your other sisters poor decision making.

It’s an incredibly sad situation but I think you’re being unfair to be so resentful that she doesn’t want the responsibility of a child.

It's not a given that she'll have a shitty life in care and it's not a given that she'll have a better life living with relatives who don't want her living with them. A relative of mine is a foster carer who has looked after lots of very troubled children and they're both absolutely brilliant parents, far better than the birth families where drugs, criminality, abuse and domestic violence has led to the children to be removed.

It's not the sister you're talking about who's at fault here, but your other sister and her partner who had multiple children and then abandoned them. Having said that, who are the three other adults your sister lives with and can't they jointly care for the 14 YO to share the load? But if the other adults are her grown up DC, she may feel she's done her share of parenting of the children she chose to have.

While there are horror stories of the care system it is absolutely not the case that it’s inevitable that she will end up on the street or being abused if she is housed with foster carers. Complete nonsense and scaremongering. Most foster carers are decent and hard working people. The sister HAS also taken this girl in but does not feel able to carry on caring for her which she is entitled to choose. My guess is she’s not a quiet little angel as the OP described and that it’s not due to the sisters social life that she’s declining to continue. I’d direct the anger to the fucking idiot parents who had 8 kids between them and then walked out on them.

Also who are the other adults in the sister’s household?

I think a lot of posters are very naïve about the realities of what taking in a potentially very traumatised young lady would involve. They need to be in a home where they can be properly supported, ideally by people with a lot of knowledge of the support she will need and how to provide it.

Being forced into a situation just because someone is related doesn’t guarantee good outcomes. Infact it can add to the trauma further.

Poor kid. I can’t imagine that living with a resentful, single god-botherer in their 40’s is a barrel of laughs. I can’t imagine that she feels loved at all.
I would be tempted to have a chat with DSis’s pastor/priest (whatever) and let them know the situation. Your sis might be offered help and attention from the church and might be shamed into keeping her.

I have done some foster care. I made sure that kid was very well cared for and engaged in our family.

That said, your sister has chosen no children, or at least resigned herself to a life she has built that doesn't include children. She doesn't have to take it on. It's not her fault your niece's parents aren't up to the task.

I would even argue that it will be easier for you, who is in the midst of that busy family time where children are growing up, to add another one than it is for a person, for who it is a much bigger change, to take on. At least your sister is honest about her capabilities. That is best for everyone involved.

Stop judging your sister.

Everyone says they’d absolutely have to take her in but no one is in her particular scenario.

She may have work issues, mental health issues, physical health issues that people (even family) aren't aware of. The poor girl needs love and stability and support and if your sister can’t offer that she’s doing the right thing by admitting that.

Your anger is misplaced btw, it should be reserved for your sibling who got into this situation and abandoned their DC.

The kinship payment pilot to which you refer is taking place in seven local authorities; meanwhile relative carers in the other 310 LAs in England will continue to not receive a bean. The Mockingbird ‘support’ system reaches only four per cent of foster carers, despite having millions and millions of pounds poured into it by the government-funded Fostering Network. There is a crisis of recruitment and retention within fostering and adopter numbers have just fallen to their lowest levels ever. Reparenting society’s most vulnerable and traumatised children is a Sisyphean task, with no meaningful support. The government announces new initiatives in an attempt to recruit new carers and adopters but takes away with the other hand. The government last year cut by nearly half the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund, a pot of money designed to enable society’s most vulnerable children ie those legally severed from their families of origin access therapeutic support.

The point is that no one can force another adult to parent someone else’s child. Everyone here who thinks it’s straightforward and easy as well as morally incumbent on another person has only to phone their local fostering team or regional adoption agency today to start the ball rolling on their application process.

Hhhmmmmm, somethings not adding up here, eh 🤔

I would personally track your arse of a sister down that abandoned her and drag her sorry arse back. Getting annoyed at your other sister and saying she has a cold heart isn’t appropriate. Why have you let that dead beat off the hook so readily?

So you make insulting insinuations and generalisations about how the girl must hate living with her aunt and then you suggest the aunt should be “shamed” into keeping the arrangement going?

This.

It's really sad for your niece, but the blame should sit squarely with your feckless sister that abandoned her children, and with your niece's father.

Poor girl. You sound lovely but unfortunately you can't control what your sister does, only your own actions.

In your shoes I (hope) I'd start making plans now to accommodate her. Speak to social services about any help they may be able to offer to make your home more suitable... thinking pragmatically, surely it's cheaper for them to help you put up a stud wall than to pay for her to be in care.

I would take my nieces and nephews on in a heartbeat but the reality is that I would be gutted.

Same as if my DC got pregnant/got someone else pregnant and expected me to raise it.
Or if I became a step mum and the man left me to raise his kids.

It’s not fair.
I never asked to have an extra child and it’s unfair that peoples selfishness means that my entire life is affected (career, relationships, holidays, disposable income, hobbies, tidiness, space etc) and that that choice is taken away from me.

I assume your sister has grown up children or has chosen to not have children for a reason.

Also, where does it stop - your sister could continue to keep having kids and are you just going to keep having them until she’s unable to get pregnant.

I absolutely would take the 14yo old on in this scenario but I don’t think it’s as black and white as people are making out,

You haven't clarified but said your sister has four people who drive living with her so either lodgers or grown up children. If the latter, she has done her time parenting and is now allowed to want to have some independence and freedom from that.

Either way though, the onus isn’t on her to care for your niece. I understand why it’s upsetting because the alternative for the girl is either live in care or with you which she doesn’t want to due to the younger sister. I just think it’s unjust to paint your sister as an evil woman for not wanting to care for her anymore because she wants to go on holidays and nights out.

The real issue here is your other sister and the dad of this poor girl, that’s where your anger should be directed. If I were you I’d start putting the partition up now.

Even if the foster carers are OK, a teen girl can be vulnerable to other troubled teens living in the house. And they can get moved at a moment's notice from a good placement to a bad one.

I do understand your feelings. I think a lot of people bury their head in the sand about the effect that going into care has on children and their diminished likely life outcomes - not because care is inherently bad or not needed, it very much is - but because staying with family is usually a better and healthier outcome for a child. (OBVIOUSLY there are children whose best interests ARE to be removed from their families, before anybody misunderstands me.)

However. Your sister is entitled to say no to parenting a child that she didn't sign up for. She doesn't sound like she's cut out to parent a child, especially a traumatised teenager, and she probably knows, if she cares, that you'd have the 14 year old.

I'm afraid that despite understanding your sister's position, I do judge people who could but don't look after a family member's child if the only alternative is them going into care. That's because I know what the likely reality is for that child: a series of foster placements with an increasingly mentally unhealthy teen ending up in a manky hostel, with all support removed at age 18. A high chances of ending up in a loop involving unemployment, homelessness, crime, drugs or at risk of modern slavery or prostitution. I, a childfree by choice 47 year old would inconvenience myself quite highly to avoid a child entering that likely spiral.

Who exactly would benefit in that scenario?

Re house extensions; there's meant to be the support but the reality is that councils haven't had that sort of cash for years. Not to mention the amounts that have been spent where the placement has later broken down and the child was moved to new carers anyway - there are some safeguards built in for the LA to try and claw money back if that happens but it's very hard to do in reality.
Our area is part of the pilot, I do know one family who have been awarded from it, but it's a contribution of 25k, the extension is likely to cost 75k or more. It isn't a big extension either, and we're not in an expensive part of the country, the cost of building work has absolutely skyrocketed.