AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

You sent her away and refused to house her because your husband said no. In your own words, heartless, cold, disgusting cruel behaviour of which you should be ashamed. Your words not mine.

NO, he refused to house the MOTHER. Do read properly! The niece was (is) a citizen of another country, or we'd have had her. She ASKED to go to military school because it was her lifelong dream to be in the air force, hence today she's 32 and has been happily in the airforce since leaving uni. She could easily have attended a regular boarding school. It would never have occurred to me in a month of Sundays to send her to a military school if she hadn't asked. And it had to be boarding school because her useless mother had absconded, and thanks to immigration laws, we couldn't bring her to the UK since she's "only" a niece. The other alternative was the care system, and thsankfully we had the money (just) not to let that happen.

We also sent her to the college of her choice, which was not her home college, which would have cost significantly less. We thought that she should be able to go to the uni of her choice, like we were able to. So we ended up paying the foreign-student fees. Totally worth it to make her happy.

Are you not aware that there are other options?

her troubled mother lives in the UK and I offered to have her live with us, but my husband (whose sister it is) said no. Instead, his older brother, who is very wealthy, bought the mother a flat and paid her bills.

This is the MOTHER, not the daughter. The daughter (our niece) is a citizen of another country.

One hundred percent.

Your posts are so clear as mud, but perhaps you should have thrown your money at CFAB, as children can and are fostered internationally with relatives if there is a need.

I offered to take in the troubled mother of my niece-by-marriage. (Niece herself was a citizen of another country.)

My point is, I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would never let a nibling or cousin or any member of my extended family go into care. I would have them.

I am not saying that people are awful for not adopting someone from the system. I'm saying that I'm appalled that someone would let their own niece go into the system. I love my nieces. I'm sorry that so many don't love theirs.

CFAB would have had her in the system. Luckily we had enough money (just about) to make her airforce dreams come true.

But you didn't take her in because your husband wouldn't allow it - exactly what you attacked another poster for who said her marriage wouldn't survive a fostering arrangement.

All you know is hypotheticals. When it came to the crunch, you did not take in a vulnerable female relative or her child. You offered her alternative support, which is also something other posters are suggesting in the OP's case, and you are attacking them for that suggestion.

As I've said, we could not take in our niece because she's a citizen of another country. And the mother herself was much happier being set up in her own home - a 2-bed flat in a nice area - by the wealthy older brother and having her bills paid than living with us. The mother is 16 years older than my husband. She had a spare room for her daughter to go and stay with her in the holidays, so their mother-daughter relationship was facilitated but the niece was able to have her own life and get space from her mother.

You have attacked people on your assumption that they only care about their own DNA. You are married to a man who wouldn't take in his own vulnerable sister. Have a think about why some people would be hesitant to take on the responsibility for a blood relative.

I feel social services may give you money for an extension if that’s possible? Do you own your house OP? Obviously the partition could be used in the meantime but in the long term if you need an additional room and it saves them from having to find another foster care placement I think it’s something they’d do.

I Worked for social services until around 2015 and I am pretty sure kinship care placements costs them less so they’d be keen to facilitate that. I assume social services are involved right with the 6 year old right and you get paid as a kinship carer?

No, The facts are that children are far more likely to be abused in a family environment than in a care environment.
Google it.
You might not like that, but it's true.
The vast majority of professional foster carers are doing a brilliant job.
A 14 year old, who can largely advocate for herself and who is already saying that the most important thing to her is that she has her own room, would probably do much better in a professional, calm foster placement than in a chaotic house with the OP, or with her other aunt who doesn't even want her there.
Let's not forget that pretty much all kids in foster placements have already been neglected or abused by their families. That's why they need fostering in the first place.

Actually, I don't drink. And I'm just about to go into a union meeting. (I don't live in the UK right now.)

Yeah, because the vulnerable sister had a much better option in the form of a 2-bed flat in a nice area with all her bills paid, because husband has a v wealthy brother. A room for her and a spare room for her daughter in the holidays. Much nicer for her than being in the spare room of our own home, which is only a 2-bed flat itself. But if she hadn't had better options, she would have come with us. The other alternative (due to her issues) would have been that she ended up on the streets, which we would never have let happen. I know most on this thread would have, though.

And the Tooth Fairy is real. It’s more than a decade since you worked in children’s services. Even a Labour government is harming the rights of society’s most vulnerable children. There is about as much chance of my AD2 getting dressed for school without any drama in the morning as there is of the OP’s LA funding an extension. So much BS on these threads. Just nope. The LA will emotionally blackmail the teen’s aunt to accommodate her but will not offer any meaningful support. Ditto the OP.

Hey, you lot upthread. Have you stopped arguing? You're giving me a headache.

To be fair your sister didn’t choose this situation and she’s every right not to like it. Whilst the majority of us would put-up and shut-up and just do the right thing for the child even if we didn’t really want to, your sister is actually brave to say ‘no’ this doesn’t work for her. Maybe she finds having the responsibility of a child too much and just can’t cope. She also knows you’ll not let the child go into care so she can live with you.

It looks as though you’re the only one willing to step-up. Unfortunately you need to make it work at yours.

The blame of the situation lays with your niece’s parents not the sister you’re currently angry with.

You sound like a lovely person OP and both your niece’s are lucky to have you in their corner. I hope it works out for you all.

So much BS on these threads

Did you really have to be so unpleasant?

I appreciate it’s been a while since I’ve worked in SS hence I did mention the date I left to clarify my experience isn’t recent . And I posed what I was saying as possible suggestions based on my experience. If you don’t think it’s likely that may well be the case but no need to be so rude about it.

IME back then it did vary from area to area and I know the Borough I worked in was better than some for foster carers. So it may also depend on where Op lives which none of us know .

I haven’t heard about any recent home extensions but I do know the LA I worked for does offer help for kinship carers to this day as two of my friends still work for them and separately I know a kinship carers in another borough.

They receive kinship foster care payments, additional help for the children in school eg. Extra tutoring and also invitations to certain cultural activities that are organised for children in care. They also had access to a child psychologist for a number of sessions when they needed it.

I agree that your sister is selfish. Have you talked to social services yet about fostering her? In some cases, it could mean getting a payment to foster, which you could use to get a bigger space or adapt your current house. I don't know whether they would pay for an extension, as it's not my area, but I know people who fostered and were financially supported so they could get a bigger place to live and pay for the child's needs. It was about 9/10 years ago.

I chose to have kids. Got one and lost two. I’d step up to take on any of my 4 nieces. Why bother posting if you aren’t even willing to have skin in the game 🙄 silly to post if you have nothing to compare it to! BTW other people with family ties would be willing to take on the kids who need help, love and security

I know a family that has umpteen children.
So many that I could never count.
They always lived in the same house in our small town and they were always clean and wore clean clothes to school.
But wow there must’ve been 15 or 16 kids!!
And they were all nice and kind.
So looking back I think they must’ve been loved. And they must’ve loved each other.

Crowded is good. Loved is good.
Abandoned is catastrophic, don’t you think?
I do. Who gives a rat’s ass about what the aunt does or says or doesn’t do or say - concentrate on that little girl and there will always be room if there’s love in your heart.

And to add - I just did a quick google and haven’t looked into this in depth, but quite a few articles popped up indicating some fairly recent funding and policy commitments which lend credence to what I suggested. So no actually even in 2026 it’s not unheard of to get the kind of support I mentioned.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2lyzr6z0vo

“Foster parents could soon be given funding to build an extension to their homes to enable them to care for more children”

https://www.myfamilyourneeds.co.uk/news/fostering-rules-relaxed-and-88-million-extra-funding-provided/

“It is also stated that help with be offered for people to make home improvements, such as extending their homes, and an increase in practical day-to-day support for families through schemes like the Mockingbird programme run by The Fostering Network.”

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-investment-in-support-for-kinship-carers

The government is now trialling a financial allowance to eligible kinship carers, backed by £126 million to reach around 5,000 children, recognising the vital role carers play in the lives of their vulnerable children.
This starts with a pilot in the seven local authority area Kinship Zones announced today, with kinship carers to be provided with funding per child, equivalent to what foster carers receive.

It seems to me that you are the only grownup among the sisters.

If this 14yo goes into 'care' she will end up on the streets very quickly, and is at huge risk of being trafficked, caught up in county lines, or falling into despair and addiction.

Try to get past the anger and see what you could honestly offer this poor child.