AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

[Porterpoets]

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

your problem is your DH being ridiculous.

hopefully she will inherit well from FIL. But your DH needs to speak sense and not prioritise his sister over you.

The problem here isn't your FIL but your husband who has actually taken the significant step of making his sister a beneficiary in priority to his children.

Maybe get DH to ask him (and hopefully get him
to notice his irony)

Dad, you’ve asked me to look after sil when I’m the man of the family like you are now. Can you tell me what you’ve got in place for her now so I know what you expect because I’m unclear what you mean. Thanks

agree with pp’s- it’s ridiculous your DH has changed his will and not put his own family first

Does SIL get included in any of these conversations?? If not I would be including her and (presuming she is a sensible woman) asking her to talk sense into her brother. She is not his responsibility. Perhaps if she were in some way mentally challenged but that doesn't sound the case.

Assuming there is an amount stipulated to go to his DSis, does your DH understand that if your circumstances were to change, you lost your job, or were ill so couldn't work, you could end up having to sell your home to accommodate this bequest?

Will SIL not get an inheritance from FIL when he dies, thus negating the need for DH to bequest her anything????

So based on instruction from his father your DH has re written his will to benefit his sister over his own children ? and that’s before FILs estate / inheritance has been distributed.
Your DH is behaving very financially reckless here.

You have a DH problem.

Ask him how he plans to support your DC if you died now and left the same amount to your siblings/family member/friend.

Edited to say sorry, I didn't mean to quote anyone.

This sounds mad to me. FIL can leave more to her in his will (as she will hopefully get that sooner than when your husband dies 🤞) and your husband must prioritise his wife and children. He can leave her everything if you all get wiped out in an accident, but otherwise not leaving everything to his wife and kids is just plain wrong in my book.

Is fil not leaving her half? Or is your dh inheriting everything on condition he supports his sister? If the latter as ridiculous as it sounds in the 21st century I do understand why your dh would help his sister.

The way you’ve written it sounds dh and fil unreasonable. But just to check: will FIL have assets to bequeath in his own will? In that case one assumes FiL does first; SIL gets 50% and dh gets 50%.

Perhaps what fil means is -“ son, please don’t spend your inheritance from me, I know it will be tempting but I want you to keep something back so if you die too, your sil won’t be all alone in her retirement without anything to fall back on. If you could see your way to leaving her some money in your own will, then if you die before your SIL at least we can both be content she will be fine.”

If my husband said he’d provide for an adult sibling over his own children I’d struggle to even look at him. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Yes FIL is an idiot and dinosaur but your husband’s priorities are a mess.

Your DH is the issue here. No one has made him financially prioritise his sister over his children at gunpoint.

This.
A Mumsnet classic and nails it.

I know a fee are saying the DH is the problem, I just want to say both DH and FIL are the problem 🤣 your FIL is entirely unreasonable to put that expectation on his son when he won't do the same now. Your DH is being unreasonable for just accepting this and changing his will to fall in line with his Fathers request. But ultimately your DH needs to challenge your FIL. Your DH surely can't be putting his grown adult sister over his own childrens needs? I'd be seriously questioning his morals as you say he is a moral man but by doing this and potentially leaving his kids in the lurk it feels completely amoral 🤦‍♀️ I really hope you get through to your DH who will stand up to his selfish, ridiculous Father.

I'm sure as a proud person you SIL would be mortified that your brother chose to financually abandon his own wife and children.

Oh the irony of your FIL expecting your DH to step up as “man of the family” when he isn’t doing that himself

We haven’t a clue what’s in FIL’s will. He refuses to discuss it and it makes them all enormously uncomfortable to talk about FIL’s inevitable death and what might come afterwards. I’ve tried to broker a sensible, pragmatic conversation but no one wishes to engage. He owns his large London home outright so presumably that will be split between DH and SIL- or perhaps he’ll leave it all to charity. DH suspects some may be.

To clarify, it’s a nominal sum that DH is leaving to his sister, not a percentage, so it will degrade with inflation, over time.

“taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death”

This is outrageous. If his DF thinks that SIL needs “looking after”, there’s nothing stopping him from leaving her his whole estate - I assume he’s living in a house he owns? But your DH’s first duty is to his wife and children, and I would be letting him know that in no uncertain terms. OP, I would be livid if my DH were to write such a will. Your DH is “the man of the family” - his OWN family, which is you and the DC. I would be getting him to change his will pronto, because none of us know what the future will hold. A friend of my DD’s died recently in a freak accident, so your DH’s responsibility is to ensure the future of yourself and his DC.

I’m confused. Why doesn’t the FIL just leave his estate to his 2 children equally (or a bigger share to her) and then SIL is “taken care of” anyway? Why does your DH need to be involved?

Also this!!

This isn't about some weird and sexist notions of being 'head of the family', if that was the case, your FIL would be making appropriate arrangements for his own children and that would be the end of the matter.
This is about control.
Your SIL is the excuse, perhaps your FIL just wants to feel powerful and this is his last shot. Your husband's 'moral code' is being abused given that his most important duty is to his wife and children, his sister's welfare is a secondary matter. She is a fully functioning adult living her own life and she is in her fifties. If her own father hasn't thought it necessary to help her out financially that is the end of the matter. Presumably within his will he has made provision for her? If not, it demonstrates that his use of terms such as 'head of the household' is just to manipulate your son, with bogus claims of the patriarchy. Btw if you tell your SIL about her father's demands what will she make of all this.....You should remind your husband of his wedding vows and for good reason, they didn't include promises to his father.
Your FIL is manipulating his son by demanding that he act contrary to the best interests of his nuclear family. How will your children feel about their father, if your FIL's wishes are implemented.....how will you feel about your husband if he prioritises his adult sister over his dependent children? Your FIL is sowing a lot of division within your marriage, he should never have uttered a word about your wills.

Have you actually said to your husband:
'Your father is asking you to take on this supposed duty from him, but he isnt doing it himself right now, why do you think that is?'
And what did he say?

Your FIL is a nasty, shit-stirring man.

Your DH is a spineless idiot.

Sorry, I would be absolutely furious and throw a grenade in and tell SIL about all this madness. Might even tell the children and then divorce this fool.

How old is he? Do you have decades or a few years of this nonsense left, realistically?