AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

[Porterpoets]

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

Your husband is the one that has irked me in this story. Why is he pandering to his father?

How much older is SIL?

Surely she'll be too old to do anything meaningful with it is she has to wait for her younger brother to die to inherit?

If the SIL is not far off from retirement, single and no dependents, why hasn’t she ever secured her own property?

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death.

Has Dh actually written this in his will? Or is he planning to do this after FIL dies?

And if DH has written this in his will, if he dies tomorrow (God forbid) where is the money coming from? Are they from his personal savings account? Or from the sale of your house?

Because if DH has written this will then he's not very moral expecting to take from his wife and children to give to his sister.

Wills are so much fairer if they just leave estate to be divided between remaining children. Are you sure our FIL has not done this.

Mine states a simple division like this with the proviso that it would be good if my DC could share some of it with their own DC as circumstances allow. I could have left bequests to the GC but have no idea what family circumstances might be when I die - each family needs to be able to make their own decision.

Your FIL is just trying to exercise the last bit of control left to him by emotionally manipulating his son.

Your dh isn't an incredibly moral man if he swears to give money to his adult sister when he has no idea what kind of support his own children will need when he dies. He is a weak man who instead of having a proper conversation with his father took the easy way out and agreed to do what he wanted. he is now fudging that promise by leaving a nominal sum to his sister thinking this fulfills his "oath". I'd lose respect for him for every single bit of this farce.

Your husband is the problem in your situation.

What does he say when you point out his father’s hypocrisy in wanting your husband to look after her financially but not being prepared to do so himself?

I would assume from what your FiL says, that he will leave everything to your DH - because he's "the man" and not leave anything to your SiL.

If that is the case. in my view, your DH is ethically obliged to divide whatever he inherits in half, and give that half to his sister.

Maybe your DH could advocate for his sister now, and suggest that his father help her to purchase a secure home?

I agree with this!

Thank you for your responses. @PuzzledObserver sums this up in a very careful (and polite way, I might add- not true of all responses on here).

FIL does not have many years left. Eight years ago I began to suggest a gift (that would have freed anyone from IHT by now) but the conversation was shut down. The difficulty is striking the right balance between being respectful of their family’s relationship with one another and not upsetting anyone, whilst clearly being the voice of reason and advocating for my own family’s future.

Some appear to think the answer is to shout, scream and threaten divorce but I can assure you, that is not the right way to go about this if I want to remain civil with his family (and I do).

Foolishly perhaps, it hadn’t occurred to me that FIL might have left it all to DH (Christ, you’re right, he probably bloody has…) If he has, the suggestions made for DH to split between himself and SIL is a very wise and reasonable one and I would certainly then insist on a change to DH’s will to remove SIL.

Thanks to all the posters suggesting I make SIL aware of the ‘man of the house’ conversation. You are right, she would be furious, though who knows what she’s been told. I will have to handle this tactfully with her.

This is all good food for thought and I appreciate the responses.

Your FIL is a sexist asshole. He wants your husband to do what he had a moral parental responsibility to do, but refuses to, help set your SIL up for independence, when he's got the funds to help. Your FIL doesn't want her to be independent. He's shoved the financial responsibility onto your husband.

But your husband is a spineless weak fool who allows his father to make the decision of where your husband's money goes if he dies. He doesn't have the parental obligation to his sister to help her achieve independence. He does have that with his own children, and just like his shitty ass dad, he's reneging on that. So your husband's just as much of an asshole as your FIL.

That's ludicrous to make his sister a beneficiary before his wife and kids and would make the lives of you and your children harder than they will already be during such a difficult time.

Moral man my ass.

Thanks to all the posters suggesting I make SIL aware of the ‘man of the house’ conversation. You are right, she would be furious, though who knows what she’s been told. I will have to handle this tactfully with her.

handle tactfully for her, but why are you covering the arses of dh and fil?

what would dh think if you change your will to leave him nothing?

YABU. Because the problem is your DH not your FIL.

FIL can stipulate whatever he likes, who cares? 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH is an adult and should have grown up enough by now to understand that he doesn’t have to follow his father’s diktats.

You need to talk some sense into your DH and point out he’s not a little boy under the control of his father anymore. He needs to grow a backbone and tell his dad to stop ordering him about and that he’ll make his own financial choices that suit his own family best.

If FIL wants his daughter to buy a house then he can buy it for her! End of discussion.

the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place.

You need to change your will ASAP. If something happened and you died before your husband, do you want your estate going in part at least to your SIL rather than your kids? Your husband has already left them in a position that could deprive them during a terrible time and you can't absolutely count on always earning a good salary. He has a moral obligation to his children first.

DH needs to say no to this absurd instruction. Or say yes and ignore it anyway if he lacks the courage to say no.

the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place.

This jumped out at me too. The solicitor was clearly surprised at the request, I doubt she gets many wills like this).

But if FIL was genuinely thinking that the 'head of family' should sort out SIL, then he would have done it himself, years ago.

OP, I think you need to take independent legal advice. You might not be able to change your DH's mind, but you can possibly take steps to mitigate the effects of this?

To me this is simple. Your husband doesn’t need to leave his sister anything in his will. I don’t think the FIL even asked for that? All he needs to say is:
“Father, pray set your mind at ease. Should the burden ever fall to me, I shall see my sister amply provided for. Though she may remain unwed, she shall have an establishment, an income, and every consideration due a lady of our family.”
Then see what the will says when the time comes.

I think DH has completely misunderstood FIL, I'd imagine that FIL is leaving everything to DH as the man and he will be in charge of doling it out to SIL as she is a silly woman that would fritter away a large sum (in DIL eyes at least), and they ll likely both have money unnecessarily wasted in taxes in this scenario
Sure the likelihood is that SIL will be dead or in a home by time DH dies or within a coupke of years given she is the elder, so how on earth has he interpreted FIL as meaning he should leave her money in his own will?

Just to flag, OP, that if I were you I would still seriously consider what I did with my own assets, only because your DH has shown that he does not have reliable judgement when it comes to protecting his children financially and is easily emotionally manipulated.

He is the sort of man I can see remarrying and not planning for the possibility of him predeceasing Wife #2 / trusting to everyone's basic decency rather than making sure that your assets (never mind his) do not end up with the children of a stranger to you and missing your own children.

I don't mean this nastily - he sounds like a very nice man who tries to be honourable and decent, and I'm sure that's partly why you love him - but he does not sound in any way clear-eyed, logical or pragmatic when it comes to finances and I would be very concerned to leave my children's financial stability in his hands if he were without you.

Just to flag, OP, that if I were you I would still seriously consider what I did with my own assets, only because your DH has shown that he does not have reliable judgement when it comes to protecting his children financially and is easily emotionally manipulated.

He is the sort of man I can see remarrying and not planning for the possibility of him predeceasing Wife #2 / trusting to everyone's basic decency rather than making sure that your assets (never mind his) do not end up with the children of a stranger to you and missing your own children.

I don't mean this nastily - he sounds like a very nice man who tries to be honourable and decent, and I'm sure that's partly why you love him - but he does not sound in any way clear-eyed, logical or pragmatic when it comes to finances and I would be very concerned to leave my children's financial stability in his hands if he were without you.

This is the only point you need to consider. The solicitor made this clear. Your DH is prioritising his father’s wishes over providing for his own children. That’s wrong.

The only way this would make a modicum of sense would be if FIL has left everything to DH in his will, which makes him a sexist knob head.

DH could, and should, see if this is the case and then make plans accordingly, ie leave SIL's half of FIL's estate to her, or gift it to her when the time comes.

However, if he's decided that he's going to leave her thousands in his own will because he wants to play at being the 'man of the house' then he has sadly inherited his father's knob-headedness.

I think you and DH have misunderstood FIL. I would take it to mean if SIL is struggling to pay an unexpected bill, help her out. Which I think most families would do for each other and as SIL is single it would be reassuring for FIL to know she could rely on you and DH if in a squeeze.

I very much doubt FIL meant leave SIL who is ten years older a big chunk in your will.

Your FiL is being ridiculous and your DH is being unreasonable for leaving money to his sister while he has a wife and children.

I don't blame you for being unhappy.

Your FIL is throwing his weight around, wielding what power he has left over his children by not telling them what's in the will and trying to dictate what they do with their money/futures. This 'inheritance' is just the tool he's using to manipulate them. No doubt your husband has been brainwashed since childhood into thinking of his dad as 'the big man' but his father sounds like a narcissistic dick to me.

Your husband needs to tell him he can do what he likes with his own money, and he in turn will do what he likes with his own.