AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

[Porterpoets]

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

If your FIL splits the inheritance equally between your DH and your SIL, surely SIL will have enough money to purchase a flat as the inheritance includes a large London home which must be worth millions.

In that case, why would your DH need to act as his sister's guardian and include her in his own will?

If FIL is intending to leave everything to your DH and and he expects your DH to become financially responsible for his sister on FIL's death, your DH should share the whole inheritance with her or do a deed of variation to split the inheritance 50/50.

Your FIL sounds like a Victorian paterfamilias and a bit of a chauvinistic arse.

Your DH is mad.

Surely sister will inherit from the father too, so she will not be in penury.

That will needs to be changed.

It's very Sense and Sensibility.

I would be pointing out to DH that this is flat out stupid from FIL. What's the point of giving SIL all the money in the world in (hopefully) decades time AFTER she's spent her whole life paying rent and potentially scraping and saving practically all of her life? What she going to do, be on a state pension in a shitty care home waiting for DH to die so that she can spend a few months shopping around better care homes before she dies too soon to move into one?

Infinitely more sensible for FIL to give her money himself, if that's what he feels is necessary. Point this out to DH and FIL. I like the PP's example of "tell me what you're doing so I know what your fucking archaic and offensive Head of the Family expectations are", to point out FIL's hypocrisy here.

Id ask dh how fil has forfilled this responsibility as the current head of the family!

If he is determined to do this then,

If it’s a smaller sum I’d get him to save it in an account so it’s there even if it takes years to get to the amount.

If it’s a larger amount I’d get him to get a life insurance policy to cover it and name her as beneficiary. He can always change the beneficiary later. If you look at it as a small monthly sum that he is choosing to spend on this rather than a coffee out with her.

Totally this

You are being very unreasonable to place any blame on your FIL! This is solely with your DH

FIL gets absolutely no say in what your DH does with your money. Your DH has made that decision

If the order of death goes:
You (DH inherits)
Your DH
Your SIL

then the possibilities are:

• effectively part of your estate goes to your SIL (especially given you were the higher earner); and
• If your DH's care rates up a lot of his assets, your SIL inherits but your children don't (because there is nothing left over).

I would seriously consider spliting ownership of your house if it's currently held as joint tenants rather than tenants in common, and changing your will to disinherit your husband generally, and pass assets straight to your children in order to protect their inheritance. Who knows what your DH would take into his head to do with your assets if you die first. Certainly not prioritise his children, apparently.

Same, also confused. And presumably the SIL would leave her estate to her nieces and nephews ?

You have a husband issue here, not a FIL one. Your FIL's request to your husband is ridiculous but could quite easily be ignored. Nod the head, make the right noises etc but beyond that, nothing actually needs to be actioned.

Your husband though has decided that he has a moral obligation to provide for his sister, if he passed away, on the request by his Dad. It's not your husband's responsibility to provide for his sister now or in the future. If her Dad is so concerned, then he should make sure she receives a larger proportion of his estate or gifts her money now.

Your husband's responsibility is to you (his wife!) and his children, not to his sister. I'm not surprised the solicitor clarified several times with him, because it's a bizarre request, that makes no real sense.

This 'man of the family' notion is very old fashioned and not relevant in 2026!!

Hmm. I suspect FIL has left you and DH the lot but they’re relying on
DSis for eldercare and haven’t told her.

But why would your DH assume he will die before his older sister?

Even if he does, chances are they will both be very old and past the age of wanting to buy property - it's pointless leaving money to her.

Neither me or my DW would be having any of this nonsense from a FIL or anyone.

We have parallel wills - in which our own children would benefit after the second death.

FIL is somewhat short sighted - she could do with the money now - not when your DH dies - which is hopefully years away.

Maybe re-write your and your DH's wills to be parallel. No need to tell FIL - after all he's set the precedence of not disclosing his.

DH could still honour the spirit of being the 'man of the family' - which goes beyond doling out wads of cash.

Chances are he's die first and SIL will be taken care of - or not if he's left it all to a donkey sanctuary!

If he's getting on in years he could give SIL money now in a tax efficient way - enough for a deposit? He could take this off her share of the will (or not as he decides.
He'd then be able to see, and enjoy, some of the security he's given her.

I suppose my response depends on what amount your dh has left dsil and what percentage of his life insurance that would be - 15% or under let him crack on, you say you wouldn’t need the £ and at that point it’s weird but prob not a hill worth destroying your marriage over! Assuming nothing drastic happens in the meantime I’d revaluate once dfil’s will is known…. Sounds like she’ll have a hefty influx of money from that and your dh can be reassured that Fil fulfilled the responsibility and he can amend his.

I think you quietly need to remove your DH from your estate and leave it all (in trust if needs be) to your children. OTHERWISE, if you go first, he's going to leave a chunk of it to his DS.

As others have suggested, if your FIL is such a dinosaur he believes in this archaic man of the family nonsense, I do wonder if he’s leaving everything in his will to his male heir. In which case just do a deed of variation when the old bugger has gone, so that the sister gets her fair share. FIL sounds like a nasty piece of work but your husband should just be ignoring him and his controlling wishes.

I think that was what mil meant.
However eldest DS having inherited nearly 7 figures in cash (after tax) and 3 properties has said that he can’t give anything away as he might need it.

So when he dies he is going to leave his brother everything

The irony is, he can’t correlate that given his brothers (exh’s) health issues, exh won’t be around and trying to explain anything to him that doesn’t fit in with his personal narrative is met with. “Surely not” “I don’t think you are correct”

As your dh names a sum to leave her don't assume it's nominal .

By this I mean something could happen that eats into his money , has an accident that needs care or adaptations to the home or even be used his money as not working retirement etc , a hundred different reasons .

That amount would always be taken from his estate , so £30,000 from an estate of 1 million is very different from one of say £50,000 .

I came on to say this - you need to consider becoming tenants in common so if you predecease your DH (and maybe FIL), your share of the property is held in trust for your DC.
Your DH can continue to live in the house until his death but your % share of the proper when sold is reserved for the children. It won’t pass onto your DH and in turn your SIL.

You can also place other parts of your estate in trust for your DC, as it sounds like your DH could easily be manipulated.

bonkers...goodness. So where then the FIL money goes to, to whom if your husband money goes to the sister also??

Ha your solicitor is politely trying to say this is weird and unusual (which it is).

So dh dies 6 months later dsis dies so your kids inheritance then passes under her will to the cats home or whoever she chooses.

It’s not about the amount in a way - it’s a matter of principle. Your FIL is welcome to leave all his money to his daughter imo but he can’t have a say what to do with your family money.

But surely when FIL dies, if he has just left everything to your DH this can easily be solved with a deed of variation to the will, splitting it down the middle and giving half to the sister? This can easily be explained away to the sister as FIL left or to him as “the man” but told DH to “take care of his sister” which he is doing with the deed of variation? Without meaning to sound heartless, once FIL is gone your DH and sister can just split it and move on surely?

Your DH is being ridiculous.

All he needs to say is 'Yes, Dad I will follow diligently in your footsteps'

Which means he does not give his sister a deposit while alive and, leaves his estate to his children.

In any case if things follow the natural course your SIL will presumably inherit half of anything FIL has left in his estate which may be enough to help her.

Has your DH actually written his Will? he should have, since he has Dc. If he is indeed a 'deeply moral man' he will provide for the children he brought into the world and has responsibility for. He has no business leaving that job to you. How deeply moral is that, for a man who made vows?

And your DH needs to consider what would happen if he had some horrible accident on the near future. People tend to think of wills as being for when they are v old - but they are most important for the unexpected earlier in life and when you have children.

Your DH should just say “yes dad” and ignore his request.

Sounds like the FIL is about to leave everything to his son (man of the family ffs) and leave the daughter out. Families are weird. If your DH's sister is older than him this may never arise anyway!