AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

[Porterpoets]

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

Actually was wondering if this thread was a spoof on some sort of Jane Austen book or similar as it makes so little sense

That. I'm in a similar position, as my parents estate left nothing, however I benefited on her death by becoming the full owner by survivorship, of a property that she and I were joint owners of.

I could not let my brother receive nothing when I had become better off via the value of my parent's half. So I am sharing that windfall with him. That's the moral thing to do.

No way would I put my brother in my will though, at someone else's demand.

Surely Fil didn’t mean an inheritance from DH? He would have meant checking in occasionally and making sure she was ok financially? Which I’m sure DH would do and neither of you would want to see his sister struggling. I would talk to Fil if possible about his own contribution to her future, including what she can expect from his will.

I don't think your FIL means to gift SIL money.
I think it is irrelevent whether SIL is a woman or a man, she earns less and has no home.

FIL could be merely asking your DH to watch out for his sibling, financially. Your DH would probably never see a sibling of his, homeless or batttling illness alone; he would step in to care.

FIL obviously worries about his daughter and wants your DH to not forget her.

Your SIL will likely benefit from her father's generosity and be able to purchase her own home and security.

I would not be angry. Poor SIL. She would feel embarrassed to hear this 'old man talk' as she provides for herself well.
It is just an old man/father thinking of the welfare of his child.

Yes, the sister should clearly marry Mr Collins, as marriage is ‘the pleasantest preservative from want’ for educated young women of small means.

(Come to think of it, Charlotte Lucas has younger brothers who express their relief when she marries Mr Collins, as otherwise she’d have had to be fed and housed by them after the death of their parents…)

I used ‘nominal’ above- I meant numerical- a cash value, in the several thousands

Having read the other posts now it does look like he’s leaving everything to DH as ‘head of the family’. In which case can’t you just reassure him that DH will ‘do his duty’. I was left everything by a parent and divided it equally between me and my siblings. Only fair thing to do I think.

This. Except I wouldn't give him a life times interest in any property I would put in a clause that if he wishes to remarry or cohabit with a gf then the house isn’t available to him.

He can’t be trusted with your children’s futures. If he can’t see what his fil is asking

When fil.does, if he doesn't leave SIL half your DH should transfer half to her. That way he has both kept his promise.and won't offend his sister who is a fully grown adult capable of running her own life. If he insists on being a misogynist you have bigger problems.

I don't understand why this needs to be in the will at all.
Surely DP can simply tell his father that he will look out for his sister. Is FIL demanding that it's in DH's will? Is he wanting to see evidence?

if I were you I would be tempted to say that you want to write your will do your assets go straight to your DC on your death not your DH, so they can’t be diverted to his DSis.

@Porterpoets Just make sure there’s enough left for everyone else! I’d look at mirror will from your point of view or you skip your DH and leave to your DC. I’d be furious if my DH did that!

That. It does sound as though FIL is the type to leave everything to his son. In which case a deed of variation to direct half to the sister will put that right very simply, and without incurring IHT.

OP you need to clarify if all his fathers money is being left to your husband on the understanding he shares it with his sister or will she get half and then the FIL still wants your husband to provide after that? They are very different.

And yes - this. Which will be much more timely and useful for his DSis.

Your husband is not an incredibly moral man. He's a pushover for his domineering father.
I'd lose all respect, personally. I would also suspect his father has made his inheritance dependent on it and he hasn't told you.
But then I'm incurably cynical.

The sum here is key. My impression initially was you were suggesting a substantial sum e.g £30,000+. You say several thousand which to me means around £5000. The latter would not concern me, particularly given your comfortable financial situation. The amount here is important as if you are just worrying over a few thousand then YABU.

I’d be questioning my marriage if my DH put his sibling before me or our DC!

I would be absolutely fuming with your DH and wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him when he put that in his will.

Essentially he might make his own children destitute for the benefit of his sister?

Unless you are extremely wealthy for me that is not something you can accept in a relationship.

If your husband died suddenly now, would you be able to pay out the set sum to his sister? Or would that leave you in difficulty?
This whole situation is all kinds of nonsense. You can't do anything about FILs will, but you can make it very clear to your husband that this is a divorce-level problem in your marriage.

I could be wrong but I get the feeling what your FIL might mean is that he has arranged for his estate to go to your DH and then your DH should ensure his sister is looked after. My fil has done similar in that he has left his business assets to the sons and they are expected to make sure their sisters aren’t without. Personally I hate this way as it just ends up being endless requests and the sons give in as they had given their word to their father. There’s no cap on what financial assistance is provided or what it should include. Last years requests included 3 holidays abroad! We didn’t even do that ourselves but she was able to as they felt they had to say yes.

If FIL was worried about his daughter then why not help her to buy a place of her own.

I am sure if fil said here is £50,000/£150,000 etc for a deposit or the whole amount for your own place and in my will your bit will be reduced by the same amount I am sure SIL wouldn’t be too proud to accept.

It’s the description of himself as Head of the Family looking after everyone. Except he isn’t Head of the Family and doesn’t look after everyone.
I don’t believe he has left anything to his daughter. He likes the idea of being Lord Bountiful but doesn’t want to part with any hard cash especially to his children. But wants his DS to take on this role.

In his mind his dd should never benefit from anything that might take her out of the box he has put her in.
She should always be in the place of struggling for money and lesser than DS

This! If she’s already inherited half your FIL’s estate, surely she’d already be set up for the rest of her life, so no need to make any financial provision for her at all?

And if you’re already reasonably well off, will at that point have inherited from his father, and the provision he’s suggesting for his sister is just a nominal cash amount, I can’t say I’d be that worked up about it tbh. Sounds like she’d probably hand it straight back to your children anyway, especially if she knows her brother was emotionally blackmailed into making the bequest.

Your issue is with your domineering and controlling FIL, who seems to be doing this solely for the pleasure of shit-stirring. Does your husband not question his father’s refusal to help his daughter whilst he’s alive and can obviously afford to? Has he told his sister about this conversation? Don’t the siblings ever talk about how bizarre and ridiculous their father is?

Your OH is a "moral man" and his moral duty is to his children.

Presumably he will have left his estate between his two children - and if he hasn't SIL could reasonably dispute this in law. If he hasn't then your OH can choose to redress that unfairness if he wishes to.

If he has left it all to charity (I daren't ask which it might be!) then there is nothing anyone can do and your OH owes no obligation to bail out his sister.

It does sound as though SIL would not want what FIL is suggesting - she is an independent woman making her won choices in life. Just tell her the crap you are getting from FIL.

Oh, that would be it for me, I'd be off with my higher earnings.