AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

[Porterpoets]

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

You and DH are very much not on the same page and therein is the main problem. He seems unable to make a stand against FIL. He is happy/willing to pledge away his DC inheritance to his DS when told to do so. He is enabling FILs unreasonable behaviour. If this were my DH I would have a big problem with all this and I would say so. He is putting FIL above his own family.

No, no, no, no, NO!!! *Surely fil just means that, when he dies, your dh ensures his sister gets half of their fathers estate, as would be fair and proper???

You and your DH sound like ethical good people who understand what's at stake here @Porterpoets . Unlike the brother in the fiction of Sense & Sensibility !

And your DH sounds like he'd be suitably shocked if FiL is intending to leave all to his son & none to his daughter. Apart from anything else, it puts an awful burden on your DH, and puts your SiL in an awful position of feeling a) left out/disregarded by her own father; and b) beholden to her brother.

Good luck

Did the solicitor explain to your DH that specific amounts in a will have priority over percentages and the remainder of his estate? So if his financial situation deteriorates his sister would be paid and you and your kids could get nothing.

My mum died with about £22k in her estate. Her will was written a long time before, when she was financially in a great position and before she had the stroke that put her in a care home for 14 years.

When we saw her will after she died, she had left numeric amounts in gifts to about a dozen of her friends. If that had been paid out, there would have been nothing left for me or my brother, or the grandkids. She probably hasn't seen those friends for decades, but they'd have inherited and not us.
But that £22k disappeared in care debt, which was just as well, or we'd have had to spend forever trying to locate those friends (some of whom might well have died). We still got nothing, but at least we didn't have to give it to randoms who'd probably forgotten that my mum existed.

My guess is he's leaving everything to DH. What he needs to do is give half to his sister. End of problem. If she refuses to take it he leaves the amount in his will for her. Anything else is ridiculous.

"DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this." HE IS NOT A MORAL PERSON. He has abdicated his duty to you as his wife and to your children as their father. He is the definition of amoral.

"He will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death."

He will leave a substantial sum to his sister out of the father's money? Because anything that belongs to the marriage should not go outside of the marriage to someone else until you and the children have been made whole. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

YOU NEED LEGAL ADVICE STAT. You may need two lawyers, one for parsing out the potential inheritance and protecting your assets and your children's inheritance. Then you need another one for family law, because, damn, this boy, and he is behaving exactly like a good little boy, is not protecting you, not protecting your children and may even be angling for a divorce. I don't think he's the moral guy you think he is. Your blinders need to come off.

None of this smells right.

He will leave a substantial sum to his sister out of the father's money? Because anything that belongs to the marriage should not go outside of the marriage to someone else until you and the children have been made whole.

@SparklyLeader it is you who are amoral - indeed, IMMORAL. If the FiL doesn't leave anything to his daughter, but leaves it all to the OP's DH, then it would be immoral to do anything but immediately divide the inheritance in half - half to the DH, half to his sister.

Otherwise, the sister (OP's SiL) is effectively disinherited twice: once by her father, then by her brother.

And you'll see that @Porterpoets has no intention of behaving anything other than fairly to her SiL - which means that the SiL receives a fair half of her father's estate. Then there's no need for DH to leave anything to his sister in his will.

But you know, the sister is part of DH's family as well, and it would not be unusual for the DH to leave a bequest to his sister. Nothing amoral about that.

Personally I wouldn't report the 'man of the house' conversation to SIL.

I can't see that it would do anything but fuel upset and resentment and stir stuff up. It's just nonsensical blather.

If FIL has left the £ to his 'son and heir' a Deed of Variation will immediately put things right in financial terms.

We see two rather pathetic men looking to bolster their fail as fathers and providers with toxic masculinity deprivation & dictatorship.

OP, I would talk to your SIL. She needs to know that the unpaid care she’s been lined up for over the next 15 years won’t even be compensated by inheritance from FIL. Cos Daddy only likes boys.

Ewww. SIL really needs to know. She needs to slip away from giving £60k a year of care to FIL and concentrate on herself. That’s financially vital.

She’d be horrified at the thought of spending your money too.

Your husband needs therapy and a backbone. My first question to my father would have been … why is the responsibility falling to me while you are still alive and able to distribute the funds? After that I would have asked why he thought a sibling should be more important than a wife and children?

I wouldn't play second fiddle to any of this nonsense. You and your family are the number one priority not anybody else

Both your father in law and husband sounds like Entitled Tyrants.

Make sure your home is tenants in common so you can be sure that your half goes to your dc. What happens if ds dies, is there going to be a will that she leaves all her money to your dc as she has no children of her own? What happens if she is married or in a relationship by the time your dh dies, will there be a clause in his will that she only gets the request if she remains single?

There are so many questions that arise from fil orders, could the amount to be left to her be held in a trust that in effect means the flat is owned by your dc to ensure the money comes back to them when she dies? I would insist on seeing a solicitor who specialises in wills & trusts before signing anything.

Perhaps FIL has left everything in his Will to your children, knowing that his son and daughter are well capable of looking after themselves. (Though reminding your DH that SIL is less wealthy)

If your FIL owns a large ish house in London that must be worth £2m+ (just look up how much it's worth in zoopla). Event with care home fees and IHT your husband and his sister look to inherit at leat £600k, if not substantially more.

Depending on where the sister lives, that's either enough to buy a flat or little house, or a very decent sized deposit, which she can then get a mortgage.

In that scenario why would she the need to be subsidised by your husband? I would be asking your husband in that scenario would he then change his will to reflect that she doesn't need financial help from you. If he won't then I think you have serious conversations on whether it's a marriage you want to stay in.

My partner had slightly ridiculous similar notions about giving more of his parents inheritance to his single sister (who owns a little house and does not need the money). I made it very clear that of he prioritised his sister over the DC that would not be acceptable to me and this idea has been put to bed.

Either FIL sorts out his daughter’s needs now, so that she can buy a modest property for herself.
Or she has to wait until he dies and inherits half of everything in order to sort herself out.
If FIL leaves everything to his son, and nothing to his daughter, then your DH can then gift whatever he likes up to 50%, to his sister from that inheritance.

You can not influence your FIL.
But you can try to make your DH see sense instead of remaining blind through duty to FIL.

I would want to persuade DH to make a straight forward type of will for now, leaving everything to you if you outlive him, or to be shared between his children if you don’t.
Otherwise, it seems to me that you would be subsidising both FIL and DH’s skewed wishes (none of which you agree with) with your own income if he doesn’t agree to do that.

The way FIL is organising his affairs is a very unfair millstone around your neck as well as your DH’s (though DH doesn’t recognise this) while you are still married.
Would it be possible to talk to your solicitor about this in order to get a clearer picture of any negative implications going forward which might persuade DH into better sense.

The only thing you have real control of is your own will, so I’m with the people here who advise assuming the worst outcome on all sides (FIL leaving most of his money outside the family; vast inheritance tax bill; SIL unwell and facing major issues such as eviction; DH dying before FIL; or you dying before DH and him marrying someone with an eye to that London house and children of her own) and protecting yourself and your children by insisting on becoming tenants in common with your Dh and making your children the beneficiaries of your half.

FIL sounds like a controlling arse. Of course if he wants to see SIL better off he could do that today but I wouldn’t blame her for not accepting it as I have no doubt the money would come with strings the size of tree trunks.

Dh has similar notions about his inheritance- he intends not to take his share. I am relaxed about this - I know if he doesn’t it will eat him up. It’s complicated - I don’t think there will be anything left anyway - MILs carers are costing nearly £5k a month. A loan on the property needs to taken out very soon. But Sil is relying on inheritance to give her manchild son a deposit. It’s going to get very messy very soon. Sil has always felt entitled to our money.