AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

[Porterpoets]

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

I cannot get my head around your DH changing his will in order to help buy an independent grown woman her own flat, at the cost of providing as much as possible to his own children.

Your FIL is unreasonable, but your DH too.
If it came to it, how would your SIL actually feel signing for a new flat with money that any sensible person knows belongs with her nephew's?????

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death.

you can'T control what is in someone's will. However i would be pointing out to DH that the FIL should be providing for his own child, and that he should be providing for his as a priority, then you, then if he wants his sister. And that if he carries on with his plan, you will be putting steps in place to ensure that if you predecease him, your own DCs get everything.

Nip the "head of the family" nonsense in the bud.

This ^
its very ridiculous of him to put his adult sister who has job and able to live independently ahead of his own children and his wife.
I also can’t understand why your DH should leave something in the will to his sister. I can’t see the logic. Now FIL is here and can help her. After FIL’s departure she will have her inheritance I presume. If FIL is worried about care home fees he should help his daughter now. What your DH’s will got to do with it?

By the way FIL is just playing games. If he wants to provide for his daughter when he is not here - he can do this now or later in his will. Otherwise he can’t have a say in things when he is not here. And he can’t have a say in how your family distribute its money. He needs to learn that he can only control his own affairs and your DH needs to learn that only you both control your own affairs.
By the way I wouldn’t count on sister being fiercely independent in say 20 years. When it comes to money people usually show their natural selfish side.

Your DH is acting like a wet lettuce. I would have told him to man up and tell his father that HE should give Sil whatever he wants now and leave everything to her in his will. Then, if sil is in need (lacking food/housing) you will obviously help her out.

Is he asking your dh to hand his share of the inheritance to his sister? I think that's what MIL was suggesting when she said the same to us. Dh had already decided to do that anyway.

… taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister
… To clarify, it’s a nominal sum that DH is leaving to his sister, not a percentage, so it will degrade with inflation, over time.

Which is it?

Are we talking about a life changing sum that would significantly reduce your children’s lifestyle……. Or what?

Yabu to blame your father in law for this - has your husband no autonomy?? Why doesn't he do the normal thing and tell his father to mind his own business?

how would fil even know what your will contains?

if he means he will leave everything to your DH and rely on him to do the right thing by his sister by providing for her after that then.i can sort of understand even though its barmy. but prior to fils death your wills should provide for you dh and dc only.

I hope youve taken legal advice to protect your dc from bonkers fil and dh if you die first

This is a bonkers thing to do in your wills. It makes things unnecessarily complicated. Mirror wills is the way to go. When FIL dies it's up to him what he wants to do with his estate. It is not up to him what you do with yours.

Your husband’s first priority is his own immediate family. Sounds like he’s rather spineless. His dad doesn’t even need to know what’s in his will, he can just be evasive on the subject.
In any case I’m pretty sure if you got decent advice on this they would tell you this is a bad idea. It rarely makes sense to direct inheritance in any direction other than to a spouse or children, due to IHT.

If my DH did this for his able bodied but useless sister who is crap with money and is always trying to get sympathy I would divorce him and have told him this. I mean my MIL gets on my nerves but once she has gone I expect SIL may try and rinse us.

He's being ridiculous and your husband needs to tell him, I wouldn't have much to do with him to be honest, let him 'be the head of the family' without family around him...

I think your DH has misunderstood his father.

I suspect your FIL’s will leaves everything to your DH with instructions for him to “look after” his sister. Horrendously paternalistic, but seems likely. Possible that FIL disapproves or SIL’s life choices?

This….

FIL will not let you know what is in his will, but thinks he can dictate what is in DHs will. No.

It sounds like FIL doesn't plan to leave anything to SIL. If he fully owns his large London home it sounds like there would be a lot for SIL to purchase a home.

My DH has an older sister, also in her 50s, single and childfree. If my ILs asked something like this it would be flat no! Like you SIL, she is capable of looking after herself. The only 'providing' we will do for her is ensuring that she always knows she is an integral part of our family lives and that we love having her around.

If it’s a nominal sum, who cares?

YANBU. DH needs to ignore FIL and put your DC and you first in his will.

Presumably SIL will inherit from FIL anyway?

Sorry OP but this would be a deal breaker for me. Your FiL is a nasty, manipulative old sod and your DH is enabling that to the point of prioritising his sister over you and his children. He needs to grow a spine and tell his father where to get off, then change his will in favour of caring for you and your children in the event of his death.

If FIL does leave everything to his son, wouldn't the obvious thing be for him to give half to his sister, with no further obligation.

A similar thing happened in a family I know; 3 sisters were excluded from their Father's will in favour of the only son. He divvied it up - much to the annoyance of his gold-digging wife.

What on earth am I reading?

Your FIL is insisting on this change to your DH's will, while a) refusing to share even a precis of what his own will contains and b) not helping his own child, while expecting her sibling to.

You say that your husband is a very moral person. Why can he not see that putting his sibling ahead of his own dependents, is not a moral action?

I would get dh to the tell FIL that he will look after sil exactly the same way he is looking after her.

FIL places too much priority on being Head of the Family and making dh Head of the Family.
I don’t think sil will inherit anything

Makes me wonder about these types of people who would rather give money to charity and the government when they die rather than give to their own family during their lifetime.

As a response to this I would be rewriting my will and make the children and not your DH, your beneficiaries and give your DH a life interest in your share of your home.

There is no way that you could trust him to prioritise your children after you die if he meets someone else if he isn’t even doing it when you are alive.

Honestly this would be one of those actions a person took that would permanently change how I viewed them and how I respond to them.

Did your DH not ask your FIL what he meant? Surely your DH realises his responsibility is to his own children.

The only way I can see this turning into a morally grey area is if FIL is planning on leaving everything to DH under the condition he "looks after" his sister. That would be utterly crap of him but I do think your DH would have some responsibility toward his sister in that circumstance. Still wouldn't be leaving her something from his own will though, that's a bit pointless, more doing a deed of variation on FIL's so it got split evenly between them in the first place!

So much going on here!

Surely, though, if the SIL is older, there’s every chance DH will outlive her, despite being male? And surely what she needs is the money now, from her Dad, or at the very least in HIS will, not when she’s extremely elderly and may be in care or similar?

Whole thing is bonkers.

Me too. Divorce would be on the cards.