Update on previous post from yesterday

[TicklishLeader]

Update on my previous thread that got deleted.

I’m not in a good place if I’m honest.
I’m 38, DH is 48. He has three children (18 and 15-year-old twins) and they don’t like me. I get it. I’m not their mum, I came into there and I probably represent something they didn’t ask for.

We’ve been together 6 years, married nearly 2. I didn’t break up his previous relationship we met 3 years after his divorce but I can see now that doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I think I was naive about what being a stepmum actually feels like when it isn’t warm or welcoming.

I’ve had two miscarriages before, and they affected me deeply. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with them especially the most recent miscarriage at 12 weeks. I am pregnant again 14 weeks. I have been anxious a lot recently. I didn’t want DH to tell his children yet because I couldn’t face their reaction. Even writing that makes me feel pathetic, but it’s the truth.

I’ve been all over the place mentally. One minute hopeful the next completely overwhelmed. I don’t feel stable I don’t feel like myself, and I don’t feel strong. I think I’ve been pretending I’m coping when actually I’m not.

The comments about DH being selfish hit something in me. I don’t even know if they’re right or not anymore. I just know I feel like everything is too much, and I don’t fit into this life in the way I thought I would.

I’ve come to my parents house because I needed space. And I’ve told my husband I don’t think I can do this anymore. That feels awful to say because I do love him but love doesn’t seem to be enough if we bring an innocent child into this world.

I think they’d be happier without me there, and maybe he would be too, even if he doesn’t see it yet.

I’ve asked that we sell the house and go our separate ways. He’s shocked and upset. I am too. This isn’t what I imagined my life would look like and it’s painful.
I’m taking time off work, civil service is quite lenient in those sense. I need to focus on my mental health because right now I feel low. I don’t feel like a person who could look after a child when I can barely hold myself together.

That’s probably the hardest thing to admit. I wanted to be a mum so much but wanting it doesn’t mean I’m in the right place for it. And right now I’m not.

Thank you to those who replied before, even the comments I did disagree with. I can see why people said what they did. I’m just trying to be honest about where I’m at now. I’m sorry for how I came across with some of my responses.

I have had some lovely messages so thank you I do appreciate it!

This is not a AIBU post it’s just an update as the original post was on here.

I read your post yesterday @TicklishLeader & although I didn’t comment then, I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you now 💐 I’ve no practical advice, but I want you to know that there are many on Mumsnet who are thinking of you at this difficult time 💐

I really do wish you all the best, every peace and happiness, whatever decisions you make, take care of yourself

I read the thread too and thought it attracted the common MN problem - if you're a stepmother (even to adults) you can't do right for doing wrong. I'm sorry it's come to this for you, but I hope you're feeling some sort of peace even if it's very small.

Thinking of you
It is good of you to introduce this new post.
Understand how everything is likely hard right now and hoping things gently and smoothly move forward. Take cares

Bless you @TicklishLeader there are plenty of us who are thinking of you and wishing you the very best. Take good care xx.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, OP. I'm glad you've gone to your parents and have their support at hand. I'm not going to vote because that's not a call I can make. I wish you all the best, whatever direction you end up going in.

@TicklishLeader I didn’t see your post yesterday, but from what I’ve read today, it looks like you’ve done the right thing. You’ve taken yourself out of a situation you’re currently not happy in. Use this time to concentrate on yourself - getting yourself in a better mental space should be priority. Once things are clearer then make decisions on the future.

I’ve asked that we sell the house and go our separate ways. He’s shocked and upset.

Don't let that influence your thoughts. His actions, or lack of them, have a major hand in how you've come to this. Perhaps he thought you would just keep putting up and shutting up. Now is the time to put yourself first, foremost, and even only.

I think you’re sensible to put some space between you and your husband and not have the responsibilities of day to day life.

I wouldn’t rush into making huge life changing decisions about your marriage and house.

Your priority is your health and the decision about your pregnancy. Seek help from your GP and find counselling with your pregnancy. Everything else can wait.

thinking of you op x

I really hope you can make the best decisions for yourself. You absolutely can handle single parenting if that is what you want. You can also negotiate the terms of working on your relationship with your husband if you want to make things work with him.

I read some of your post yesterday. I think it's good to take time out to think things through, in a safe space such as your parents. And yes, you do sound low, very low. Being low has a way of making us react in ways we normally would not.

For that reason, don't make any big decisions while in that headspace, such as divorce, selling the house and terminating the pregnancy. Please give yourself some time to breathe, take time out and hopefully in a little healing time, with your parents who know you best you will be certain as to what you want to do going forward. Sending hugs and wishes for happiness going forward.

I commented on your original post. I'm sorry you're struggling at what should be such a happy time. I hope you are being well supported by your family, but there are lots of other resources available to you if you need to talk things through more objectively. I would start with your Midwife, and ask to be referred to the prenatal mental health team. Wishing you all the best.

I'm sorry. I saw yesterday's thread. Please get some professional help or take some time. Two days ago you were happy at being pregnant, now you've left your husband, although nothing has actually changed other than your thoughts on the situation. These are huge steps to be taking. Don't make huge decisions you can't step back from without being certain they are right for you.
Good luck.

I didn’t see the post yesterday but what I do read is a desperately unhappy lady trying to make the best of a bad situation.

being anxious and all those pregnancy hormones won’t be helping. Think you have done right in stepping away & taking a break to gather your thoughts and next steps.

like I say, I didn’t see yesterdays thread but is there a possibility you can sit and talk it all out with DH. Is there a way to work on the relationship with the kids, be a friend not mum to improve things. I don’t think hiding the pregnancy will do anything for the relationship with them or your anxiety.

I did not see yesterday’s post but wanted to let you know Im thinking of you at this difficult time💐. Things will seem overwhelming but please don’t make really big decisions just yet. Give yourself space and time.

I’m so sorry, OP. I think getting some space is the right thing for you right now so that you can sort through these emotions. I’m also sorry that the usual arseholes found your other thread and were being awful to you. They do it to all stepmothers.

It will also be a good time for your husband to pull his head out of his arse and address things. I immediately saw a red flag in the 18 year old steadfastly insisting over the years that you are the reason her parents aren’t together even though they had been divorced for 3 years. To me, that suggests that there may have been reconciliation on the cards/ they were seeing one another again but he was also still on the lookout for something “better.” Then he met a much younger woman that was interested and that ended. That would explain why the kids have always disliked and blamed you and why he’s too chickenshit to confront them about their behaviour. So if there’s something like that going on, that you’ve never known about and that has set you up to fail from the start, he has a lot of groveling to do to all parties involved.

If not, and if his children are genuinely delusional or perhaps there was a different woman involved at one point that they’ve confused you for, then he needs to man up and read them the riot act. Either way, this is really make or break time for him.

Keep posting if you need support. Talking to strangers on the internet can be surprisingly insightful and therapeutic at times like this. 💐

Please talk to your midwife or gp and get some professional support, you need someone in real life to talk this through with, you wanted this baby.

your husband can support you while your at your parents and help keep his children on track with their exams. Things will probably be much calmer for you all in a couple of months.

Hopefully you get some rest and pampering at your mums.

Think you are overreacting and have depression/hormones making you emotionally go up and down so definitely need to seek support from bpas and your local mental helth services and your work employee assistance program.

If you want children I would see through the pregnancy as it may be one of your last chances.. in my experience the people who worry about their children and what kind of mother they will be, are usually the best mothers, as they are self aware and able to seek support.

Reality is most step kids don't really like their step mum!! It's not a you problem. Blimey, most teens don't even like their real parents nevermind a step parent. That shouldn't affect your marriage or self esteem. They'll be independent very soon and will enjoy the baby regardless.

Very much this ^^

I remember your last thread OP.

Within a few posts you went from being excited to be having a much-wanted baby to being determined to have a termination.

Either option is fine but you need to make it with a clear head and for the right reasons.

You sound as if you’ve spiralled quite rapidly. Pregnancy hormones can really mess with your hormones and cloud how you see things.

I think you need to see your midwife urgently for some mental health support; she can signpost you to the services that you need.

No judgement on whatever you decide but reading through all your comments and now this post, my fear is that you’re making decisions due to feelings of inadequacy rather than what you really want.

I’d really urge you to get some help before making any decisions.

I remember reading a survey years ago that said a large percentage of children fantasised about their parents getting back together even years after they were remarried. It may seem illogical to us but humans, especially teenagers are more emotional than logical and sometimes the wound of parents separating just doesn't heal. Be interesting to know if the children themselves have ever had counselling.

Please speak to your midwife urgently. Your mental health sounds like it’s in a very bad place.

it also sounds like you had huge expectations of how things would go with his children and as it’s not worked out like that plus the fear that pregnancy can bring to anyone is causing you to catastrophise.

ultimately you, your baby and your husband can have a happy life together. Your step children don’t have to have close sibling relationships with the baby and were realistically with the age gaps, we’re going to be more like cousins or aunties.

ignore all the posters who jumped on your husband for dating to remarry and have another baby.

the other day you were happy and excited, get support for your mental health and live the life you always wanted.

Definitely get some help from your midwife as pp has said. We hear a lot about postnatal depression but antenatal depression is a reality too.
Take care of yourself. Things may change after baby comes and sc may fall in love with baby. If not, your really no worse off. They will be adults soon and branching out on their own lives anyway so the effect on your life should lessen with time.

I’m 100% pro-choice, but if you truly want to be a mother, keep the pregnancy. ❤️

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You must have been feeling so vulnerable and alone when you posted yesterday, and were kicked while you were down. You sound like you have a very high EQ. You have been patiently waiting for acceptance and you have been unsupported by your husband. Quiet is very telling. I feel like he took your silence for acceptance or resignation when you were actually turning in on yourself. Instead of disappearing, you have gathered the strength to go supernova. I think he sounds selfish and weak. He gets the best of two entirely separate worlds if you remain together and make no demands. He gets to be the fun dad and focus entirely on these big kids and you would have been raising your kid alone anyway. I think you’re right that they would never accept your baby, and he is being naive to expect them to be as excited or happy about it as he seems to be. I wouldn’t judge any decisions you make now or in the future, and I am very proud of you for finally advocating for your own needs.

Please get pregnancy counselling.