Update on previous post from yesterday

[TicklishLeader]

Update on my previous thread that got deleted.

I’m not in a good place if I’m honest.
I’m 38, DH is 48. He has three children (18 and 15-year-old twins) and they don’t like me. I get it. I’m not their mum, I came into there and I probably represent something they didn’t ask for.

We’ve been together 6 years, married nearly 2. I didn’t break up his previous relationship we met 3 years after his divorce but I can see now that doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I think I was naive about what being a stepmum actually feels like when it isn’t warm or welcoming.

I’ve had two miscarriages before, and they affected me deeply. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with them especially the most recent miscarriage at 12 weeks. I am pregnant again 14 weeks. I have been anxious a lot recently. I didn’t want DH to tell his children yet because I couldn’t face their reaction. Even writing that makes me feel pathetic, but it’s the truth.

I’ve been all over the place mentally. One minute hopeful the next completely overwhelmed. I don’t feel stable I don’t feel like myself, and I don’t feel strong. I think I’ve been pretending I’m coping when actually I’m not.

The comments about DH being selfish hit something in me. I don’t even know if they’re right or not anymore. I just know I feel like everything is too much, and I don’t fit into this life in the way I thought I would.

I’ve come to my parents house because I needed space. And I’ve told my husband I don’t think I can do this anymore. That feels awful to say because I do love him but love doesn’t seem to be enough if we bring an innocent child into this world.

I think they’d be happier without me there, and maybe he would be too, even if he doesn’t see it yet.

I’ve asked that we sell the house and go our separate ways. He’s shocked and upset. I am too. This isn’t what I imagined my life would look like and it’s painful.
I’m taking time off work, civil service is quite lenient in those sense. I need to focus on my mental health because right now I feel low. I don’t feel like a person who could look after a child when I can barely hold myself together.

That’s probably the hardest thing to admit. I wanted to be a mum so much but wanting it doesn’t mean I’m in the right place for it. And right now I’m not.

Thank you to those who replied before, even the comments I did disagree with. I can see why people said what they did. I’m just trying to be honest about where I’m at now. I’m sorry for how I came across with some of my responses.

I have had some lovely messages so thank you I do appreciate it!

This is not a AIBU post it’s just an update as the original post was on here.

Im so sorry OP that you are in a situation where people close to you have let you down. You sound like you are in a bad place so only prioritise yourself right now. Give yourself space and time. Let your folks look after you.

Give yourself a bit of time before making a big decision regarding the pregnancy as a couple of days ago you were happy about it.

Hi @TicklishLeader

Glad to hear you’re at your parents and getting some support that way? Well done for recognising you’re not well Aj getting time off work so quickly.

Is the pregnancy booked in? If so the easiest way to get support mentally is to speak to your midwife. You should do this as a matter of urgency today if not already done so. Hormones could be making all of the anxiety 100x worse.

practically speaking, a termination after 14 weeks whether medical or surgical may require a little bit more organisation depending on where you live so whilst things are still very much up in the air, to save yourself undue trauma if you do go ahead with termination, there is some urgency in making this decision.

As I and many others have said previously the age gap between his children and this child is so large anyway that it is unlikely that the children would ever be close. You are not responsible for the relationship your husband has with his children, you can help facilitate that ofc but we can’t control every eventuality in life - what if you terminated the pregnancy and he fell out with his kids anyway over something completely different. We don’t have a crystal ball.

please see professional support in real life, sending positive thoughts 💐

Depression and anxiety in pregnancy are as common as postnatal depression and can be very severe.

You need to talk to your doctor or midwife. Also your parents and any sensible friends who are within reach.

I didn’t comment yesterday, but read your post and was shocked at some of the harsh comments you got on your other thread. You sound like a lovely, caring, thoughtful and empathetic person. I can’t add any advice to the advice you’ve been given here. I would say though, as a 42 year old who never managed to get to 14 weeks pregnant (I always miscarried before then) to not rush into any decisions. I hope your mum is taking good care of you, you sound like you need some tlc and a chance to take a breath and think. Sending lots of strength.

Take care of yourself, OP.

In my humble opinion your husband has massively let you down by allowing his children to be rude to you for years.

You need to do what’s right for you. If you want this child, you should have him/her. If your husband becomes an ex as a result, so be it. A termination is also still viable but it needs to be what you, and only you, want.

Take some time, don’t rush into anything. And don’t allow your husband to persuade you back with fluffy statements that have no substance. He either has a real plan to commit to or you don’t go back.

Yes, my view as well.

I wish you the very best - and you’ve done the right thing by going to your parents. You need to focus on this one thing right now, away from DH and his DC.

I'm really sorry you came to that conclusion.
Some were plain nasty because you are the step mum. I don't think you should make any final and rash decisions. Many of those women were probably step parents themselves or they're single and bitter. That is not the place to go for advice on something so delicate.

Please seek professional councelling. Don't listen to the bitter banshees on here (not all are but those bitter cunts know who they are).

Don’t do anything permanent yet, give yourself time to think and clear your head.

When you first posted, it didn't sound like anything was wrong between you and DH, or your wish to have a child @TicklishLeader .

I think it is really common and completely normal that your teenage SC still want their parents to get back together and it is absolutely nothing personal to you.

I also think that your child with DH will bring you all closer together in the years to come.

There is 13 and 15.5 years between my DS (from my first marriage) and my younger DC with DH. He adores them.

There is likely to be some initial difficulty and discomfort when DH tells them, but it will be OK.

I hope you can work this out with your DH and continue with the pregnancy.

There isn’t anything wrong with us but I’ve realised I don’t want to have a child for them to just have issues later on down the line because I was selfish. I don’t think he’ll forgive me so it’s safe to assume my marriage is over.

I did think that too but I don’t think that anymore and that’s okay we don’t have to be close. I’ve tried my fair share for 6 years so has DH. Not all blended families are successful and it’s nothing personal to me.

Oh I’m sorry @TicklishLeader, sounds like you are having a rough time and also some posters were horrible yesterday.

For me in pregnancy, everything seemed worse and my emotions were going crazy. So take some time before any decisions.

If you want a baby and will love it then you should proceed with the pregnancy. Only if you want to though. Sending love x

Op I haven’t read the updates on your last thread. I would slow down and take time to consider what you want. People on the internet do not live your life. Is a huge step to take from worrying about step children to wanting a divorce. Could you see a therapist to get your head around things.

I think you’ve let the opinions of strangers on the internet get you down here and massively overreacted. You were happy to be pregnant before and only worried about when to tell your step children. Of course things aren’t perfect, they literally never are! Families are hard, blended families even harder. Don’t give up if you love your husband and want this baby. I’m a step mum and we’ve come out the other side of the difficult times now. There is hope.

This OP. Keep your baby but ditch the man with the awful kids and yes they are awful to you and you don’t deserve it.

@TicklishLeader now then what's all this about being selfish?

You're a married woman who is pregnant, that's not selfish it's what lots of people get married for. Otherwise you'd be the girlfriend.

Your husband's children don't get to be the boss of you. One's an adult and the other two not far off. It will be uni next and then a monthly visit.
If you want a baby you have been gifted one and no one should steal that joy.

What makes me angry for you is that he'd been divorced three years, absolutely nothing to do with you but you've been made to feel a predator of other people's husbands. Just nuts!

I didn't see the thread but I know Sundays and Friday nights can be brutal (they're on the wine!). I've cried buckets over being called a bad mother, fraudster and a shit tenant.
However I've had some great advice over the years and even made personal friends. Don't let bored old bats rob you of your peace of mind.

Speak to your midwife and your mum.

You can't live your life to please other people. That way truly is madness. You can't please everyone, I'm not suggesting that anyone goes out of the way to cause others upset or issues, but honestly you need to think about what you want. Not persuade yourself that others will be traumatised. FWIW, I have a half sister, 16 years younger than me. I was a bit shocked at first, pro because I had been the baby of the family, but truly now there are no problems at all.
Again, don't live your life for others.

I saw the early posts on your last thread, I must have left before the nastiness started. What I took away from that post was that the only dilemma was whether to tell his kids before or after their exams, a decision made more tricky as you’re already 14 weeks. I mention that, as it all seems to spiralled significantly since! So I agree with PP, please take a step back, some deep breaths and really think about what YOU really want. Don’t let stroppy teenagers dictate! Wishing you all the best x

OP I really felt for you on your thread yesterday, and commented on how vile so many posters were to you. The attacks were completely unwarranted with a few verging on hysteria. I know how it feels as I received a similar unwarranted kicking on here a few years ago and it really shook me up for a while, so I hope those idiots haven't caused you to make any decisions you could live to regret. There are lots of posters who love a pile-on, it's just entertainment to them, but this is your life, and your child's life.

I agree with others to give yourself some time and talk it through with a counsellor. Reset to how you felt before you posted yesterday, and reassess. I read nothing yesterday that made me think your situation was so serious or irretrievable.

Life is never perfect, and most of us are just making the best of the cards we've been dealt. If you see motherhood on your cards then embrace it. If your step DC can't accept it then, so what? As a poster said upthread, most teenagers are disparaging about their own parents, so don't be so hard on yourself.

I sincerely wish you peace and happiness, whichever path you take 💐

You can absolutely get yourself in the right place to be a mum to this baby. Moving out of that house and getting your money back to find a new peaceful drama free home is the first step.

OP I’ve been exactly where you are. Trust me you can do this x

Oh lovely. I had terrible anxiety when pregnant with DD - also in a blended family situation and DH ex hated me for being pregnant. It was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through.
I can say from experience this is not the time for taking big decisions. Please talk to the specialist MH midwife and get some good support. You have not done anything wrong here, you are not selfish but it does sound like you are really struggling with your mental health and you need to prioritise that.

I forgot to add @TicklishLeader that my DD was born when I was 37 and she's the light of my life. The thought of being without her wouldn't be worth living ( I'm not fond of babies just to be clear!).

Have some breakfast and a hug from your mum and make a few calls.

Apologies for typos. Not sure what happened. 🤔

OP you sound so confused and upset. I'm so sorry because this should be a magical time for you.

It is amazing how a simple post can lead to a spiral and doubt. One thing is for certain... you are good enough, you do deserve respect and love. You will fit in where you want to. But none of this happens until we are kind to ourselves and love ourselves too.

Hope you're getting some rest at your parent's. Sleep, be easy on yourself, take a breath and I hope some clarity finds you soon 💕

If the way you are feeling mentally just now isn't normal for you, please call your midwife today and speak to them op to get support. I hope a bit of space and your parents looking after you helps but please do contact your midwife or GP about your mental health and don't rush into any rash decisions like selling your house, getting a divorce or anything to do with your baby.

I didn’t read any of your last thread but this is what I take from what you have written.

What you are feeling about not being good enough for your child is, even in a perfectly happy and planned pregnancy a normal thought process. We just add the reasons on according to our personal circumstances. It is your hormones that are all over the place.

You can be a wonderful single mother and putting the distance between the father’s children and you will in the long run make you happier.

Whilst you do love your dh and he loves you I do think the situation is toxic caused in someway from what you say about your dh and also by his dc. The latter isn’t something that can be cut out of your dh’s life so you need to look at them as a package

For him to be shocked that you couldn’t put up with him ignoring your wishes over something so personal and his childrens general toxicity.
He has had lived experience of their reactions but went ahead and told them of the pregnancy. This says more about him and his disrespect for you and your boundaries

Atm you have had some major upheavals.

Take up meditation and yoga where you self calm and let the process of the next 26 weeks happen.

The happiest women I know are single mums Make plans for a single mum future and look forward to the autonomy over yours and your babies life.

Keep calm, don’t stress and keep toxic people out of your life. Place yourself in a bubble and count every minute of everyday as another minute towards your new and happier life.
Monitor your diet. Only eat what you know you or your parents have cooked and know the ingredients of each meal

And remember that most of the thoughts you are thinking are related to your hormones and everyone has that self doubt. It is nothing more than a chemical reaction your pregnancy hormones are having on your brain.