Update on previous post from yesterday

[TicklishLeader]

Update on my previous thread that got deleted.

I’m not in a good place if I’m honest.
I’m 38, DH is 48. He has three children (18 and 15-year-old twins) and they don’t like me. I get it. I’m not their mum, I came into there and I probably represent something they didn’t ask for.

We’ve been together 6 years, married nearly 2. I didn’t break up his previous relationship we met 3 years after his divorce but I can see now that doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I think I was naive about what being a stepmum actually feels like when it isn’t warm or welcoming.

I’ve had two miscarriages before, and they affected me deeply. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with them especially the most recent miscarriage at 12 weeks. I am pregnant again 14 weeks. I have been anxious a lot recently. I didn’t want DH to tell his children yet because I couldn’t face their reaction. Even writing that makes me feel pathetic, but it’s the truth.

I’ve been all over the place mentally. One minute hopeful the next completely overwhelmed. I don’t feel stable I don’t feel like myself, and I don’t feel strong. I think I’ve been pretending I’m coping when actually I’m not.

The comments about DH being selfish hit something in me. I don’t even know if they’re right or not anymore. I just know I feel like everything is too much, and I don’t fit into this life in the way I thought I would.

I’ve come to my parents house because I needed space. And I’ve told my husband I don’t think I can do this anymore. That feels awful to say because I do love him but love doesn’t seem to be enough if we bring an innocent child into this world.

I think they’d be happier without me there, and maybe he would be too, even if he doesn’t see it yet.

I’ve asked that we sell the house and go our separate ways. He’s shocked and upset. I am too. This isn’t what I imagined my life would look like and it’s painful.
I’m taking time off work, civil service is quite lenient in those sense. I need to focus on my mental health because right now I feel low. I don’t feel like a person who could look after a child when I can barely hold myself together.

That’s probably the hardest thing to admit. I wanted to be a mum so much but wanting it doesn’t mean I’m in the right place for it. And right now I’m not.

Thank you to those who replied before, even the comments I did disagree with. I can see why people said what they did. I’m just trying to be honest about where I’m at now. I’m sorry for how I came across with some of my responses.

I have had some lovely messages so thank you I do appreciate it!

This is not a AIBU post it’s just an update as the original post was on here.

^^ this @TicklishLeader

Your ex and his kids already have issues, it is nothing to do with the baby. So long as he reliably shows up for them, let's them know he loves them and still makes an effort to be their dad, the baby won't make the relationship worse.

Please don't let some strangers making comments online change your views about having a baby. You went from being excited to having a complete about turn.

Your baby will have two loving parents. It will have loving grandparents. That's a great start in life. In time it may also have a relationship with the older siblings, whether that happens or not will largely be down to your dh and how he handles things. But whether that happens or not the baby will be fine.

I'm so pleased you've come back, I was very concerned for you yesterday. Echoing others, you have done the very best thing to step away and give yourself some space. You mentioned that it's been 6 years, those 6 years will have been the absolute worst with hormonal teens, they are in their most arrogant, self important and blinkered stage of life. The timing with exams isn't great, but they are going to be disrupted anyway if the marriage is truly over, they will very soon be (albeit young) adults, and you and your husband could have many happy years ahead you in a calmer environment.
You are far from selfish in the way you are considering everyone else's feelings/wants above your own.
Take a deep breath, spend a bit of time sitting with how you feel, and be as sure as you can be about your next move. Then in the future be kind to yourself and remember that the decisions you made were viewed through the lens of today, not with the benefit of hindsight.
Wishing you all the best.

And this ^^ @TicklishLeader

Most importantly this: Please don't let some strangers making comments online change your views about having a baby.

Sending lots of hugs, OP. 💐

You need to go to your doctor or midwife and get some MH help asap. It's this dip in your MH that's making you feel so low and catastrophising and feeling so anxious. There's nothing in your circumstances that objectively would make you feel this way, so it's definitely a MH matter. Once you get some help, you will feel MUCH better, about everything. Please, please do reach out to medical professionals. MH issues can make you experience the feelings that you are currently feeling, and you don't have to go on feeling this way. There is a lot of effective treatment for MH issues.

Better times are ahead, OP! Big, big hugs xxx 💐🌸🪷🌹🌺🌻🌼

Sending you hugs. I had a number of miscarriages and then finally became pregnant through ivf with my one and only child. I was delighted. But also completely and utterly overwhelmed. I’d been chasing it for so many years and now I had it I went into panic mode. You are also a step parent which adds a whole further layer of things. Dont make any rushed decisions. Get support to help you figure things out. I wish you all the best x

Step children will often blame the stepmum for the parents' break up because it's easier than confronting the reality that it was their parents who fucked it up. They need to be encouraged to express their feelings about their parents and their anger at their father rather than deflecting it all onto you. And you need to be able to not step into the scapegoat role, which unwittingly by leaving you may have done so.

The step kids are right to feel hurt, angry and upset but they need to express these feelings maturely not direct them at you. Similarly you are entitled to your happiness so do not make life changing decisions based on the step kid's feelings. It would only make them full of guilt later on anyway to deep down worry that you got an abortion because they were so nasty to you. You need to allow everyone to have their feelings but for those to be expressed not acted out.

You have acted in haste and that's not a good idea. Take a few days to get yourself together and I would strongly suggest speaking to a counsellor with experience in step families. Do not get an abortion because you can't tolerate the current situation. If you want to be a mother you can be, with or without your dh.

Don’t assume your marriage is over if you don’t want it to be. He’ll know that your hormones are racing and your emotions are all over the place right now. Talk to him.

Hope things work out for you 💐
Everyone deserves the opportunity to find peace of mind and happiness.

I saw at least some of your thread yesterday but didn’t comment. I had some shared experiences which I will share below but I am also a midwife and have been through some similar spirals when pregnant. Please be incredibly kind to yourself and make no big decisions right now. Seek some help and do what is right for you when you feel more settled.

I am a child from a blended family, my dad went on to have two more marriages and in his third marriage, had 3 children. I was 17 when the first was born. He told my big brother and I without his partner there which I think was right because there was an emotional blip to sort out within myself. Sure being a blended family isn’t easy but I have adored all of the children, none are half to me, they are just my siblings. I have had some step-child treatment at times but also lovely treatment and am grown up enough to see us all as fallible humans. Funnily enough, they had their third when I was having my first so my son and brother are only 3 months apart. My dad was very sheepish when he told me about that one because their 3rd was unplanned and they were worried I would be cross about my thunder being stolen. I thought it was hilarious and my son and brother are best friends.

Now, I have a 13 and 12 year old from my first marriage and a 2 year old from my second marriage. I am 33 weeks with my fourth but at the beginning of my pregnancy my eldest was going through a tough adolescent time and told me that he hated living with a toddler and was considering going to live with his dad. He was devastated to share this with me because we are so close and I was devastated that I’d made life choices that impacted him so heavily. My children are my absolute priority and I couldn’t reconcile it at all. I went into a deep spiral and was ready to terminate this pregnancy, which would no doubt also end my marriage. I took some time before making that big decision, just a couple of weeks that I set myself and had some therapy. I was honest with my husband and he is a wonderful person who gave me grace. I posted on here and had my arse handed to me on a plate but I agreed with every word and thought I was the most terrible person. My son was just having a moment an off couple of months, is back to being obsessed with his toddler sister and can’t wait for a new potato to be born. He’s on and off interested in the little one(s) and I don’t take it in the same enormous way I did previously. My 12 year old is beyond obsessed with the little one(s) and they are all so adorable together, most of the time.

Blended families are hard and I remember yesterday you giving so much grace to the children and firmly putting yourself in the position of the emotionally mature adult whilst they were still developing people. I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and I think this is an excellent attitude.

Please, take some time, be kind to yourself. Remember, these things usually work out. It sounds like you love your husband and want this baby with him. It sounds like you have love and patience for your step-children so can allow them to develop the relationship that is right for them with you, their dad and their sibling. You sound like you want to be a mother.

Sorry you are feeling so low OP. I agree, take some time and don’t make any rash decisions. A friend once gave me some good advice. How might things look/how might you feel in a week, a month, a year? Wishing you the best.

OP if you are seriously thinking of leaving DH then there is even less reason to terminate this healthy pregnancy (and I really don’t think there’s any to in the first place). It’s great you’ve gone to your mums, please ask to speak to your midwife urgently and for a referral to the mental health team. It’s so important you talk this through with a professional.

Unless the last thread took a drastic turn, it was the dad posters were condemning not the op.

family and friends all know about the pregnancy and he hasn’t told his 18 year old or twin 15 year olds that f I remember the ages correctly, and the chances are they are going to find out by someone else during their very important exams.

it’s him that was being criticised for not thinking about his children in this.

Make your decision for yourself, not your husband, and please see the midwife.

I read your post yesterday but didn’t comment. Take time to decide what you want without pressure from your dh or sc.

As others have said speak to your midwife. The very fact, that you think you wont make a good mum, makes me think you will be an excellent one, if that is the road you choose.

❤️❤️

I agree ,please don’t do anything hasty ,I think the teenage SC need to understand the consequences of their behaviour towards you ,this could be a turning point for you all nd hopefully a positive one.

OP please please press pause for a few days and don't do anything rash.

You're full of pregnancy hormones, you're feeling unsupported and upset. Your DH is probably in shock and tensions will be running extremely high. You've taken a very big step in leaving to go to stay with your parents.

The reality is that in a couple of years your DH's children will not be around in nearly the same way. Once they leave to go to University/live independently they won't have a daily impact on your lives (or even necessarily a weekly/monthly impact). I didn't read your previous thread but I would think very carefully about leaving a relationship where you love your DH and are otherwise compatible just because of teenage step children.

Very brave of you to post again OP, AIBU is notorious for bullying and some of the nasty responses on your thread yesterday made me wince. I don't know why people enjoy kicking someone when they're down. As PP said, boredom and alcohol probably play their part.

Having some space with your parents sounds like a really good move for now. Please don't rush into any decisions just yet. 💐

Please get some counselling asap.

Whilst you SOUND completely rational, you do sound a little detached as well OP. You talked about how much your miscarriages affected you and how much you want to be a mum, and i think you are in danger of making a decision about this pregnancy that you will deeply regret in the future.

I'm going to be brutal and point out your age. There will be a pile on about older mothers in a moment, but I'm going to say it, 38 is a good age to have a baby - I had my second at 38 - but it doesn't get easier as you get older.

You need to separate this pregnancy from your relationship with your step-children and the place your marriage is in. You really do. Being upset becuase you can't see your marriage working DOES NOT MEAN you are not capable of being a fantastic parent. On the contrary, you are showing that you have boundaries and are prepared to exercise them.

FWIW - I also think you need to lay it all out for your DH. All your thoughts, fears and considerations. But at the end of it all - being a mother is your choice and nobody else's.

I thought you sounded like such a kind person in the other thread. Please remember that this baby will have two parents who love them, as well as support from Aunts, uncles and grandparents. That is enough.The siblings may or may not come around, or they may always love their sibling even if they're not that close to you.

I know step kids who certainly came around as adults. Teenage feelings aren't forever. And they'll be out of the house in a few years.

My DH will openly admit he was horrible to his stepmum. Her children were born when he was in his mid - late teens. 20-odd years on he has a lovely relationship with his half siblings, something probably more like an uncle than a big brother. He’s the one they come to for advice if they are having boyfriend / girlfriend problems. They are great with our kids, again their relationship is more like cousins than auntie / uncle. Things can be really difficult in the early years for you, especially when combined with the worst of the teenage years for stepkids. As they grow up and head off to uni, work etc things can change for the better.

That's a problem though. If people start telling you your partner who you are about to have a baby with is a piece of shit it is likely to lead to your own MH spiralling don't you think? I wish people would be more thoughtful as we only have a snapshot of what is going on. I don't suppose he's perfect but op wasn't considering leaving him this time yesterday.

Op I agree with other posters, you've done the right thing in taking time for yourself but don't make any permanent major decisions right now as your mental health doesn't sound like it's in a good place. Let the dust settle a bit before you decide what to do next.

I didn't see your thread yesterday but it seems that you need a bit of time and distance to put things into perspective, leaving for a while seems to be the best option, perhaps give it a week and see how you feel?

Please understand that people on here are not always giving opinions in your best interest, they are often clouded by their own personal circumstances and experiences. Even when they mean well, they aren't living your life, so it will only lead to more confusion.. none of these people will be there for you once you decide the path of your life, so stepping away is a good idea, and concentrating on the real people in your life who will, or will not be, there for you going forward.

For what it's worth I don't think your husband is being selfish at all op. Please don't give too much weight to Internet comments.

I wouldn't worry about the kids exams either. I think people pointing that out are being overly dramatic. Life doesn't have neat and perfect timing, and that is ok.

Yesterday you were so happy and excited about your pregnancy. I hope some time away will give you some time to thin,k and you will be able to see your owns needs and wants more clearly.

Your circumstances may not be perfect. However, I do not think very many babies are born into the absolute perfect situation. Most people worry about something. It might be their age, their financial situation, their existing children, their housing, their parents, their education,health problems etc. If you want this baby then please do not end your pregnancy. You can bring up your baby as a single Mum if necessary.

In five years time your step children will hopefully be off having brilliant, independent adult lives. Your DH will always be their Dad, he will always be on the other end of the phone and a safe place for them to come home to. However once they have left home they will need much less day to day input and involvement from him.

I wish you so much peace, clarity and luck in whatever you decide to do next.

Please don't make a rash decision on your pregnancy. You are very vulnerable when pregnant and hormones have a huge effect. Take time to think this through properly. If you wanted this baby so much before, strangers on the internet not living your life or knowing any nuances shouldn't make you feel you aren't ready to be a mum.