Update on previous post from yesterday

[TicklishLeader]

Update on my previous thread that got deleted.

I’m not in a good place if I’m honest.
I’m 38, DH is 48. He has three children (18 and 15-year-old twins) and they don’t like me. I get it. I’m not their mum, I came into there and I probably represent something they didn’t ask for.

We’ve been together 6 years, married nearly 2. I didn’t break up his previous relationship we met 3 years after his divorce but I can see now that doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I think I was naive about what being a stepmum actually feels like when it isn’t warm or welcoming.

I’ve had two miscarriages before, and they affected me deeply. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with them especially the most recent miscarriage at 12 weeks. I am pregnant again 14 weeks. I have been anxious a lot recently. I didn’t want DH to tell his children yet because I couldn’t face their reaction. Even writing that makes me feel pathetic, but it’s the truth.

I’ve been all over the place mentally. One minute hopeful the next completely overwhelmed. I don’t feel stable I don’t feel like myself, and I don’t feel strong. I think I’ve been pretending I’m coping when actually I’m not.

The comments about DH being selfish hit something in me. I don’t even know if they’re right or not anymore. I just know I feel like everything is too much, and I don’t fit into this life in the way I thought I would.

I’ve come to my parents house because I needed space. And I’ve told my husband I don’t think I can do this anymore. That feels awful to say because I do love him but love doesn’t seem to be enough if we bring an innocent child into this world.

I think they’d be happier without me there, and maybe he would be too, even if he doesn’t see it yet.

I’ve asked that we sell the house and go our separate ways. He’s shocked and upset. I am too. This isn’t what I imagined my life would look like and it’s painful.
I’m taking time off work, civil service is quite lenient in those sense. I need to focus on my mental health because right now I feel low. I don’t feel like a person who could look after a child when I can barely hold myself together.

That’s probably the hardest thing to admit. I wanted to be a mum so much but wanting it doesn’t mean I’m in the right place for it. And right now I’m not.

Thank you to those who replied before, even the comments I did disagree with. I can see why people said what they did. I’m just trying to be honest about where I’m at now. I’m sorry for how I came across with some of my responses.

I have had some lovely messages so thank you I do appreciate it!

This is not a AIBU post it’s just an update as the original post was on here.

OP please slow down and take some time. Pregnancy is really hard and emotional, and pretty much everyone starts freaking out asking what on earth have they done when they are having their first and telling everyone and it becomes real.

If your relationship is good why not try work this out together rather than unilaterally making some very big decisions very quickly?

After all the negativity on your thread yesterday, you are brave to start another thread on here. Posting on Mumsnet when you are feeling fragile is a bad idea,

I wish you all the very best. 💐

I didn’t read your other thread so my opinion is purely based on this one.

I think if you’re not happy in the relationship, then leave.

I think you’ve done the right thing by going to your parents.

Being a step parent is incredibly difficult but having a blended family is even harder.

If you already have issues, then it could make the issues you have even worse.

I think the only thing you need to decide is whether you want a baby or not.
Would you want to be a single parent and would you choose having a baby over your relationship.

Once you decide that, then you can figure out your relationship but honestly I’d give it a few months at least.

Give yourself a few days to weigh up whether you want the baby.
Take the relationship out of it right now.

Absolutely get some counselling but you wanted this baby just two days ago. Don’t predicate such a serious decision and one you might regret, on three selfish teenagers.

In a few short years they will be different people and their relationship with their father will be different as they will be independent.

Your baby doesn’t need a relationship with much older half-siblings if they don’t want it, it isn’t the law.

Nobody knows what will affect us in years to come regardless of our circumstances.

Dump the DH, keep the baby.

OP, I got pregnant at 40 and my head was an absolute mess for most of my pregnancy. I was convinced the baby would be born disabled through something I'd done, I thought about terminating every day I could, despite DD being totally wanted and the day I gave birth, my head cleared. Honestly, hormones can be so, so powerful in affecting your mood and the fact you've apparently decided all this overnight sounds powerfully like they are messing with your head and you probably wouldn't think like this if you weren't pregnant.

Just take a breath. Go to your parents and allow yourself some grace to just sit with your thoughts for a while. A father can be an ephemeral thing but a mother is the rock. You sound like you would be a wonderful mother. All the very best with your decision but please please talk to your midwife and get some proper mental support xxx

Your husband can't make his children like or accept you. However, what he should be doing is dispelling any notion that you were the cause of his marriage breakdown or 'stopped' him from reconciling with his ex-wife. His children are older, and perfectly capable of hearing that information and understanding it. Now, it's entirely possible his ex was looking to reconcile with your husband, and him meeting you scuppered her plan. That's neither your fault or responsibility.

He should also be ensuring that his children are at the very least polite and courteous to you, whilst in your home. That's basic manners, and to be anything different is deliberately being rude and obnoxious. They then should be called out on the behaviour, and have consequences for it.

It should be down to you when you felt comfortable in telling his children regarding the pregnancy, and he should be supporting your decision.

I think it will do you good to have some space. Please don't make rash decisions. You are upset, fearful and full of hormones, none of that equates to rational, sensible decision making.

Please seek support from your midwife, as a matter of urgency.

I am the child of a second marriage. My sister is 16 years older than me, and she doesn’t much like my mum. I think she always thought my mum was at fault for her parents’ separation, although I’ve always been told they were already separated when my parents met. (I’m aware that I may not have the full picture!)

I have a full, rich and happy life. I’m married with a gorgeous child who’s the apple of the family’s eye (my sister included). It’s been tricky navigating the family dynamic at times, and I am sure my sister has felt left out at times. But she and I have a good relationship, and that’s been possible irrespective of how she feels about my parents.

When the dynamic has been tricky, I’ve never felt my parents were being selfish by bringing me into it. To the contrary, I am incredibly grateful for my life and family, warts and all.
If you don’t want to continue with the pregnancy, that is a legitimate choice and I am 100% passionately pro choice. But I wanted to share my experience and perspective, as I think you may be spiralling.

I really wish you well. Thinking of you.

I think it’s hard to rebuild a marriage when one or both of you have fallen out of respect for the other one. I don’t know if I am projecting (have had my own experience there) but I felt like I was reading that from your post today.

You may acting in haste. Sure they may not be happy when you tell them, but they'll come around. Don't throw everything away from comments by strangers on the net, unless you want too.

What issues down the line do you forsee for your child?

Families come in all shapes and sizes, I know many a huge family who spend no time together and many a tiny one of three who are a happy troupe. Friends are like family too, and it's easy to spiral if you begin mapping your childs whole future based solely on the here and now - trust me I've been there. Still there trying to decide on a big move and which option will make a w hr old happier when thehre 18 etc, it's just crippling in the present and makes me catastrophise.

Some families are friends then there's fall outs later, the family situation you're in when you give birth isn't necessarily the one you'll have as the child grows. You also kept lots of wonderful women and their babies when you join classes and clubs etc, and I honestly can say the women I've met are people I see more and lean on more than my family, and my son has a troupe of happy little pals to play with. Those people become family.

Saying this, your husband needs to take your mental health through all thos incredibly seriously considering you're thinking of terminating a much wanted baby, and possibly closing the door on being a mother forever. He needs to have a Frank and hail Mary conversation with his children.

I agree with this.
I am committed to pro choice, but think very carefully about this.
Well done on going to your parents.
I think this stress has taken so much out of you.

I felt quite sad when I read your post yesterday, OP, mostly because it seems your husband has been incredibly unsupportive and weak. His inaction has left you feeling bad about yourself, when you did nothing wrong.

But I was most saddened by the typical MN ‘all stepmothers are evil bitches’ pile on. That’s bad enough at the best of times, but with someone so clearly in need of support, I found it quite shameful.

I’m sending you a big hug all the way across the net. Let your parents take good care of you while you come to terms with recent events. You need to keep up your physical health to help with your emotional wellbeing. Sending you my very best wishes for a happy, peaceful future, whatever you decide. X

You want to get rid of you wanted and fought for, pregnancy, at an age when you might not get another chance at motherhood, and ditch your marriage, because some anonymous mumsnetters are a bit sniffy about blended families?

Honestly, please step away from the internet, talk to your midwife and work out a plan with the man you love.

Teenagers can be awful. They are like bigger, more articulate toddlers. But I think my response would be so what? You are married and you are having a baby and they will eventually come to an accommodation with that. You sound like you are struggling so reach out for some support IRL. I hope that you feel better soon. Feeling overwhelmed is awful.

I think OP you need to slow down and breathe . You are going through something very overwhelming and triggering. No decisions you make at this moment or feeling will be rational and clear headed . By all means stay where you feel safe but your running miles ahead of yourself x

I didn't get a chance to comment on your last thread and didn't see any of the nastier comments, although I can well imagine what they were like. But it seemed to me that you were so happy to be pregnant, and I don't think you should rush into a decision I have a feeling you might regret.

I didn’t read your thread so these thoughts may be useless to you.

They will be gone in 3 years if they go to uni, can you focus on your child for the next 3 years and just let your DH parent them? That’s all providing he refuses to let them be rude to you obviously and is a general good sort.

Can he step up and take them out the house more, can you go out more?

if you love him and do think of him as generally a good dad then it’s possible you may see a future together ?

@TicklishLeader how are you feeling this afternoon? 💐❤

Have you managed to speak to your midwife or any friends/family today?

@TicklishLeader please speak to your midwife or GP for mental health support and don’t make big decisions at the minute.

don’t let posters from your other thread affect you. You were so excited for the baby and the fact that you are worrying so much shows what a good mum you are.

the step children will come around and be adults living their own lives soon.

enjoy your much wanted baby 💐

Well you can't have read much of that thread. So many posters were pearl clutching, telling OP she shouldn't have got pregnant and be having a baby the same year that her husband's older children have exams. That she was selfish for asking her husband not to tell his children yet because she couldn't deal with any negativity right now. That by doing that there was no going back - the older DC would never forgive her or their father and they wouldn't blame them - rant rant! It was honestly bizarre.

I did manage to speak to my midwife today so that was reassuring.

I feel much better than I did two days ago😊

Good OP, pleased you are feeling better. Hopefully things are back on with your husband too. We all get overwhelmed at times. You sound like someone with a big heart and a lot of love to give. I think you will make an excellent parent

Motherhood has is challenges, but if it's something you've wanted, it's not something to give up because some teenagers are stroppy. My children bring such a joy to my life, and when I hold their little hands in mine, all is right with the world just for that moment. You'll be a great mum.

Im pleased.. im a “step mother” to two adult children who were a similar age to yours. They hated me. But after 10 years I’m now a step grandmother and it’s really not like it was. I think what helped was I acknowledged their pain - they were hurting and traumatized by their parents splitting up. And I was in the way of their reconciliation (which wasn’t happening because we met years after they split). I think your husband is going to have to say to them I understand your anger towards me but that you are not to blame. And to say this baby will be another child he loves equally and you both want them to be siblings and protectors of this child.. it’s not a competition for love. But they will naturally be jealous that this baby gets to live with both parents even if subconsciously… your husband needs to acknowledge this heir pain and work with them. They aren’t adults. Perhaps your husband needs some therapy or support to do this but he will be scared of mentioning anything for fear of losing them. But it’s precisely what is needed. An emotional talk without blaming them for the pain they feel.

I’m glad you’re feeling better.. ❤️

It wasn't bizarre, it was par for the course. There are some fucked-up puppies on here who do everything they can to tear others down.