Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I wasn't making a dig, just an observation. You're happy to laugh off sly digs and insults, other people aren't. That doesn't mean they need to change their behaviour.

Yes apologise. Show her this thread**
I do not think it is too late. Every single person goes through evolution. At least allow her the chance to know you are sorry, you were insensitive/not thinking/didn’t mean it. It may take a while for her to truly trust you but at least give her that honour.
That said, if you are going to show her this thread, do look through your history to ensure you haven’t accidentally also slagged her off in the past.

Im the same with my MIL because of comments on the house… ive also found her putting my knickers away/reorganising my underwear drawer without being asked, which i appreciate is a shade more extreme than this. She comments on her daughters house too - in company - things like the cobwebs on the light shades are in keeping for halloween. She’s really kind and I know she’s only making a joke/trying to help, but it does feel quite intrusive so it’s arms length round ours and heavily pre planned. I’d appreciate an apology but im not sure it would shift the dial on my feelings about popping over in say after school chaos (and my husband shares the sentiment unfortunately for MIL). Do apologise, it’ll help the relationship x

“Burned your boat” 🤣 love this

Is the daughter-in-law guilty of any of this or is she simply setting reasonable boundaries about unannounced visits?

You should apologise but accept her boundaries. Just dropping in isnt ok. It is different with your daughter as she's your daughter.
What a shame you caused this.

I think your daughter in law is being ridiculous and there’s no need to apologise. My mother in law did almost exactly the same with thing with me when I had been living with my husband for a couple of years, and made sure I saw the dust on her finger after she had run it across the top of a couple of doors. Her and my mum also cleaned our flat from top to toe when we were on our honeymoon as a surprise for us, and my mother in law let me know in no uncertain terms that our toilet had been filthy. That was over 45 years ago, and it never occurred to me to throw a strop and not let her drop in when she was passing, or not let her be fully involved with my daughter. However, why it DID do was make me realise that my cleaning could probably be improved and it’s something that I took on board from that day. Family should be able to be blunt and open with each other, and what you said was clearly meant as a joke anyway.

@marsbarslice It sounds like the DiL is miserable though. She’s deep cleaning before visits, stressing, making her own life miserable. It is now a running sore of misery for all involved.
The OP is going to remain in her life therefore an honest conversation and then let it go. Most posters are suggesting clinging to festering bitterness, now the OP has “shown her true colours” the DiL should remember and keep her guard up. That sounds like a lifetime of birthday parties, Christmas’, weddings and BBQs of absolute misery.
If the OP is an old trout, she needs telling and then everyone moves on, if it was a misjudged comment move on. But for the love of God move on. And the posters clutching their pearls about dust - move on.

@Yogarunningcoffee "It was a jokey dig at my son as he was always awful at cleaning his room but clearly not the right thing to say in hindsight"

No it wasn't. Didn't it occur to you that you were in the home of your son and his wife and not in his teenage bedroom? Why did you think your son was solely responsible for the cleaning when it usually falls to the woman, or at the very least is shared? As for popping in whenever you feel, I don't know anyone who likes that. And you aren't her mother. You have also expressed no desire to see your DIL as an individual, only the baby. She isn't rent a womb, she's your son's wife. You sound decidedly disingenuous and I suspect your DIL would have more to tell us than you're letting on.

Yes, I think it would be good to apologize and to say it was a joke. I can identify with your DIL to an extent, because I have mildish co-ordination and visual processing disabilities that can affect both my ability to multi-task on physical tasks and to notice quickly what needs doing. I don't live in a pigsty or anything, but can be slow and inefficient at getting things done, and am very self-conscious about it and fearful of criticism (e.g. I can't stand people 'keeping me company in the kitchen' and watching how I do things).. Unlike your DIL, I would probably have shown my distress at the time. In any case, I do think that a gracious apology might both improve her relationship to you and repair any damage to her own self-confidence. That doesn't necessarily mean that she'll become free-and-easy about your just popping in; some people just aren't, with anybody,

How did it come up in conversation with your son and DIL that your daughter’s house is immaculate despite having a baby? Of course it was a dig.

Has your son ever invited you upstairs to change the babies nappy?

I wouldn't apologise now, I think too much water has gone under the bridge since then, why open old wounds.
Personally I think you should be thankful for what you get regarding the crandchildren and accept you won't ever have a 'comfortable' relationship with DIL.
As for even thinking you might suggest 'dropping in', surely they've made it perfectly plain that is not a possibility so stop asking.
What you did was foolish in the extreme, saying afterwards it was a 'joke' doesn't actually make it any better, it was a crass and silly thing to do but it's done and now you need to acept things as they are.
Stop pushing and maybe in time hopefully they may soften a bit.

It’s really not that hard - don’t be horrible to your daughter in law ! It is probably the most delicate and potentially important relationship you will have it your life especially now there are grandchildren involved as you have discovered
im afraid she has all the power here and you need to be careful in this new phase
only apologise if you really mean it and not as a way to force your way in to see your grandchild

And was it accompanied by the mn tinkly laugh to show you were joking?

But why does she need to move on? To make OP feel better?

Yeah, that wasn't a "little joke" OP, was it? My mother once made a similar comment after running her finger along the top of a door in our house. I grew up in a shit hole because my mother was bone fucking idle and she had the audacity to say something like that to me. That was the last time she was invited to our house. Reap what you sow and all that.

God yes. My little grandson’s nappy is changed by whichever family member is closest. Ok, not upstairs but on a changing mat downstairs. We have a changing mat and supplies here at our home too to make things easier.

As rural folk, we’re all very relaxed about dust!

There are things my MIL said when I first got married and had children that I’ve never forgotten. I haven’t held them against her, and am not the grudge-bearing type. I also never said anything at the time and I would be shocked if she knew or found out she had insulted/offended me. We’ve never spoken about it. But those couple of instances have very much informed my relationship with her. They’re her true self, her inner thoughts. I’ve always held her at a distance ever since. She’s a decent woman, and a lovely grandmother to my children. But ever since she let her opinions slip, and I know what she really thinks (and will be saying to FIL and DIL when I’m not there, even if innocuously) I’ve kept her at arm’s length. An apology at this juncture would be 50/50 because she feels bad and because she wants to be closer to us and our family. Which is 100% about her, and not at all about anyone else. And I don’t think she needs to apologize for what she thinks, this is who she is. She doesn’t owe me anything, I don’t owe her anything. Arm’s length.

I suspect the same goes for your DIL. The damage is done. You neglected to realize, as did my MIL, that your relationship with your son and with your DIL is a new variety where you are simply not free to be yourself without consequence. Your DIL didn’t know you from Adam, relatively speaking, and she is your son’s and DGCs’ priority, not you. Very different from the relationship with your DD and SIL.

Despite nearly everyone saying apologise, I think don't say anything else about it. Least said soonest forgotten sort of thing.Just show her your apology by listening to what she wants. Don't try to get her to behave how you want. Be positive when you are round there. Be grateful for what she does. Show her you think she's a great mum and you are so happy that she's in your life. Let her be herself. Don't pressurise her. It's such a turn off. Let go of trying to get what you want from her.
Let her be her and follow her lead as to how SHE wants you to be to her and her baby. Don't pressurise your son to get him to make her do what you want. That will get back to her and make her like you less.
To be fair it's common that the grandmother on the mother's side has more contact because it's 'her' mum and she can be herself so less pressure..
Just some thoughts.

A relationship between MIL and DIL, even at its strongest will never be the same as between Mum and daughter. I love my mum randomly popping in. I’d have hated MiL randomly popping in as I wouldn’t feel relaxed. Mum coming over when I haven’t even brushed my hair and covered in yogurt that’s been lobbed at me wouldn’t phase me. MIL doing that though would have been absolutely mortifying to me.

My Gran (mums mum) used to do “jokes” just like that to my mum and comment on her not cleaning properly. She’s no longer with us sadly but even now my mum feel immense pressure to deep clean a whole house if anyone is visiting except for me and DH, even for my DB and his partner.

I don’t think an apology would do any harm but I also wouldn’t expect your DIL to feel in comfortable with you popping in.

Yeah I’d have told you to f**k right off and never invited you back if I was her.
Bit odd that you want to do nappy
changes and bath times when the parents are there (different if you’re looking after baby of
course) - I’d find that quite intrusive.

I agree. An apology from you now would be a way to try and back pedal so you get what you want. That's not going to fix anything. So BE the person SHE wants you to be. Kind, supportive, good to GC and non pressuring.

This ❤️

Completely agree with this.
Your DIL has made it clear that that she's not comfortable with you dropping in whenever you happen to be passing, by continuing to ask you are making things more awkward between you.

I think most women would feel a bit judged and maybe self conscious in front of their mother in law. Factor in a baby and a crap joke about dust and that doesn't bode well for relationships. You shouldn't make a joke like that unless you've got a close enough relationship with her that she feels comfortable saying something back.

I haven't ever invited anyone upstairs to watch me wipe my daughter's arse judge my cleaning/home/organisational skills

I think it's worth you apologising but I would suspect the damage is done. Maybe you're more judgemental than you realise, your jokes and comments get on her nerves.

I doubt she is vaguely considering inviting you to stay for bath time, she's probably feeling stressed and looking forward to you leaving.

Good luck mending that relationship.