Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Yes it’s worth apologising and say you certainly didn’t mean any offence but tbh I wouldn’t have wanted my MIL popping in and helping when mine was small, as a woman we have to accept that usually a woman is closer to her mum than MIL and we only ever saw my in laws at an arranged time less frequently and I definitely didnt let my MIL upstairs to change nappies or do baths etc.

Just because you're happy to keep someone in your life and home who makes regular digs at you, doesn't mean other people can't have stronger boundaries in place for their own relationships.

My MIL was a lovely woman BTW and would never have dreamed of making sly comments towards me, DH or our home.

Putting aside the dust comment OP, what was bothering you about pre planned visits and not being invited to nappy changes?

Gosh, she rather over reacted over a silly joke! My house is a permanent tip, so I prefer notice if guests, especially from my parents and parents in law. To hold on to it for four years is OTT. Sometimes you have to get over these things!

I have sat in my DC student flat many a time itching to give it a quick wipe round and pop empty packets in the bin but keeping schtum to avoid DC feeling judged. There would come a point where I would say something but it would definitely not just be a little bit of dust or a few crumbs on a table.

I have another relative where family members (including me) won’t eat or stay in their house. No one says anything - they aren’t struggling, just have low standards. We prioritise maintaining a relationship (outside their home).

It's the dig aspect and dressing it up as a joke. We all know that digs aren't jokes, any adult who would pass off a unnecessary dig, as a joke, isn't going to admit that it's a regular occurrence. It isn't normal to direct them at your children. They are terrible to live with and usually accompanied with sarcasm. If the OP has so little to talk about that she needs to discuss the cleaning routines of relatives, she isn't bringing a lot to the table. Adult children vote with their feet these days and it's about time. I say that as a woman who's nearly 60, we don't need to take anyone's shit anymore, for the sake of family.

Oh dear I think its too late to apologise my youngest sons house is so messy compared to how he was brought up his fiance ( They get married next S aturday) is a stay at home mom to my georgous granddaughter so no reason for the house to be such a mess but I would never say a word to them it's their life, and they visit me which I'm happy with , I go to theirs if invited

Im not a fan of people just popping in, with the exception of my own mum. Your relationship with your daughter is never going to be the same as with your dil. I agree you might just be expecting too much in that respect even if you do apologise.

I don't especially care what other people think but I also wouldn't go out of my way to be friendly towards someone who thought making digs at me and my home was an acceptable way to behave.

She's also not "limiting access to OP's grandchildren", she just doesn't want her snarky MIL popping in unannounced.

Why do you want to be invited for nappy changes?

@marsbarslice and the world would be so much better if we cling on to every comment, mistakes, dig other people make.
My DM did this picking over every comment, telling me things my DGM did 40, 50 years before, listing offences and slights from decades ago. Turing them over, being offended, everything was a sly dig or a nasty comment. People never made mistakes they were out to get her. She remains a deeply unhappy woman due in large part to her inability to move on.

It saddens me deeply to see this message of clinging to bitterness and choosing misery to be the message women give each other today. That’s imprisoning each other in misery. We need to have the confidence to have dust or not.

I’m sure you didn’t mean it and if you say sorry and explain that it was you teasing your DS it should be ok. I say this to be helpful but don’t go on about how well your DD is doing. Motherhood/domestic chores etc don’t come easy to everyone and it is very overwhelming having a baby and feeling judged.
I was in/out of hospital for about a month with hg (pre Kate Middleton so it was unheard of) and I was so sick I needed a side room because even on the drip I was so sick I was upsetting other patients. When I went home after a 5 day stay to try oral meds not the drip my MiL came over and told me the house was a pigsty (poor DH had been looking after my eldest DC/pets/working full time and trying to visit me) and said I was being ridiculous going to hospital when “most women have morning sickness”. She told anyone in her family I was being precious and that I needed to concentrate on my house and child and not leave it to DH. Anyway the oral mediation didn’t work and I was back in hospital after trying to stay home and I was actually kept in for almost a week the next time because besides IV meds and fluids nothing remained in. I was still horrendously sick. When years later Kate Middleton made the news with her HG I had to endure lots of “just for princesses” jokes.
All the jokes ended up being unbearable and everything was a constant dig. Her visits made me feel anxious and uncomfortable. Those micro aggressions became so much I no longer see her. Nor does my SiL who once wrote on SM about a termination being the best thing she ever did (during the time Ireland were voting regarding the legalisation of abortion and women were trying to remove the stigma from termination by sharing stories), and MiL left a comment that basically said my SiL had cervical cancer because of her days being a loose woman and that’s her fertility issues were probably karma for her attitude towards her termination.
My DH and his brothers are very LC.
It’s not an easy thing being a MiL or DiL, so I think it’s always best to keep anything that could be perceived as a jibe to yourself even if it is just a joke.

Oh please. OP has admitted that there were several unkind remarks, and I bet there are a couple more remarks she is still conveniently forgetting.

It is a classic example of Missing Reasons.

What a ridiculous thing to say, even in joke. You should have known better.

Do apologise, you were in the wrong.

I think eating humble pie and apologising is a great place to start. Acknowledging that not everything said was appropriate would also be good. Depending on how you frame it and then behave on future occasions will play a role in resetting the relationship. If there is a marked difference (improvement) then I don’t know why an improvement in relationships is not possible?

@Yogarunningcoffee I think it is worth apologising if indeed your DIL is really deep cleaning the house before you pop round. I think you made an insensitive comment, thoughtless comment al though aprecise no malicious intent. her reaction to it is probably a bit over the top 4 years down the line ! I would also have been annoyed but I don’t have the time nor energy to deep clean the house everytime someone pops round 🤣

I do think bigger issue here is your expectations of things with grandson. Still don’t understand why you’d want to be invited upstairs for a nappy change - do you mean she takes the baby upstairs to change the nappy and you’re kept downstairs ? As many others have said it can be completely normal for relationships with mothers to be different to that of MIL and post partum you are vulnerable and sensitive. You saying things like you’re being kept away from your grandson when really you’re just being asked to inform them of when you’re coming which is completely normal for some people (I appreciate it’s different with you and your daughter but you can’t expect for every relationship to be the same) .

what is your relationship with DIL like? Maybe start there - with getting to know her better and trying to see if there’s anything you can do that would make things easier for her rather than seeing her as a gatekeeper to your grandchild. And remember your son has a part to play in that 1) he could help clean the house 2) he is also in agreement that you coming over should be pre-planned so I don’t thjnk this should be framed as the DIL keeping you away. As other PPs have said don’t expect sudden change in their stance following the apology but it is a good start

Or maybe people should stop being shitty and making digs at people they're supposed to love and care about?

Stop suggesting people need to brush off shitty behaviour for the sake of family relations. It screams low self-esteem and poor boundaries and isn't the good look you think it is.

Catch yourself on, OP. No one is "keeping you at arms length from your grandchild", and i'd strongly advise you not to use that phrasing if you do decide to have a conversation with your DIL. I don't like anyone popping in unannounced and I've definitely never invited a family member upstairs to help with nappy changes but my DC still have lots of lovely, close bonds with family members.

You've said yourself you see your DGC regularly. The fact is that you want to be able to see them as and when you feel like it, and your DIL prefers to have some notice. That doesn’t mean she's trying to stop you seeing or having a relationship with your DGC. Your DIL is just trying to set some boundaries and to be honest it sounds like she needs to. You seem to think that because your own DD is happy for you to turn up whenever you feel like it, DIL should just fall in line. No doubt she and your DS find the comparisons with your DD wearing too, there's really no need to wax lyrical about how immaculate your DD's house is when you visit DIL, or to complain to your DS that his wife doesn't treat you the way your DD treats you. They are different people and it is entirely normal to have a different relationship with your DIL than the one you have with your DD.

If you want to apologise to DIL because you're genuinely sorry for making her feel shit then there's no harm in doing so I suppose. But if you're only apologising because you're hoping it will give you licence to turn up at her home whenever you feel like it going forward, I really wouldn't bother. I don't think that's going to happen.

Whoops. You made a mistake in thinking you could tease your son about his housekeeping when it's a shared home. I can see how it happened as it was probably an unthinking continuation if what you'd say to him before he was with DiL, but can also see that she understandably took it as an insult to her home and standards.
You could try explaining to her that you were teasing DS unthinkingly, it wasn't aimed at her and you think their home is lovely.
However, I wouldn't count on that as giving you the same casual drop in relationship with her as you have with your DD.
Although it's often hotly contested on here, the difference you describe is actually quite normal when your GC mother is your DiL not DD. Lots of women don't want their MiL dropping by accessing all areas in a way they don't mind with their own mum.
So yes, do apologise and explain so the poor woman doesn't feel she has to put on a show for you. But do accept that she will still have boundaries your DD doesn't, and you have to accept that and be glad of the significant opportunity you get to see GC within those boundaries.

This is just what I was going to say

It feels like you’re being a bit blasé and dismissive about the comments you made around your DIL (I’m struggling to see how they could have been taken in any other way than digs). If you were truly unaware of their impact and are now remorseful, I’m not sure you would be on here talking about it.

I mean this in a kind way, is it possible you’ve felt a little excluded at not having the same access as you do with DD, and you’ve been a bit salty about it in retaliation?

I think unless you’re truly honest with yourself about where the comments come from (resentment, or simply not knowing yet how your DIL ticks and the best way to show her you care and come in peace), this is likely to become a cyclical thing.

Even if you apologise, you’ve shown your colours on how you think. I would be keeping you out of messy areas like baby change where you can cast judgement.

In terms of preplanned visit - I would have hated my MIL popping around unplanned when my DC were tiny. Cleanliness aside, it means setting aside my plans and suddenly becoming a host, disrupting routines including my few moments of downtime, possibly overtiring a baby that has already had enough activity that day or tiring them out before another activity or visitor.

See why the dig about my boundaries? You don’t have to have a go at me to make your point. I have boundaries , I try to be kind but won’t have people who regularly abuse them. On the other hand people make mistakes. - it’s give and take.

My ILs have made the odd comment about our house along similar lines which means I do stress out before they come round.

I often wonder how it would be taken if I did the same - how would you feel if your DIL had come into your house, run her finger along something and then made a ‘joke’ about dust? Am pretty sure you would have thought she was rude.

I would make a sincere apology if I were you.