Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I often wonder when I read posts like these if the husband of the marriage is happy for his MIL to just 'pop in'?

My 'friend' did this to me, run her finger across the top of a picture frame on the wall. It still affects me 30+ years later. The fear of being judged means I avoid having visitors whenever possible, unless I have time to spend all day cleaning

I did love my MIL though, she was messy and didn't care.

Yes, this is it unfortunately. OP set the tone and it’s hard to see how this is likely to lead to better relations. I don’t want someone in my house who is judging my cleaning or commenting in a comparative way.

Yes, apologise. But some words can't be unspoken.

No it wasn't a joke, you've reinforced your preference for immaculate housekeeping by banging on about your daughter. It was perhaps a throw away comment to you, but you quite likely do hold high domestic standards and you've cemented that and made someone feel crap in their own home.

Definitely apologise though and make what repairs you can.

You know what could help is each time you see her, you tell her what a wonderful mother she is. And how well she is looking after her child and what a lovely home she has created.

Don’t bother with apologising for the past draw a line and be positive and kind going forward.

This. 100%. Apologise but don't expect much to change. In her shoes, I wouldn't change much because you won't have changed, you will still be thinking it, just having the cop on to keep it zipped for your own ends.

It's sad that your son didn't phone you and give you a piece of his mind. You have both let her down.

Apologise.

Send her a nice card with a hand written apology. Say it was meant to be a teasing comment to your son, and was in no way meant to imply anything against her and you are deeply mortified and would like to find a way to move past this.

But going forward, ditch the idea of bonding over shared nappy changes.

Someone did this to me, I never forgot it.

I think the boat has sailed but if you are able to (from the heart) compliment aspects her mothering, then it might show her that you genuinely accept and love her. At some point you could quietly say "I said some silly things some years ago well before Baby was born, and I'm sorry" and then move on to something else.

If you can't compliment her from the heart (and only you know if you can, or not) then let it lie in the past.

You and I seem far too sensible, I'm sure it was meant as a joke, in the same way that someone might say to a person cleaning the windows or the car You've missed a bit! However the DIL will be delighted to be occupying the moral high ground making sure the 'slight' is never forgotten and is perpetually used against the OP. Hopefully the OP will also remember when they need a baby sitter etc!

Well, my mum wouldn't dream of just "popping in" so it's not something DH has ever needed to worry about.

Slightly speechless reading this. It sounds like you are only concerned now because you’ve realised that you have been unkind and it’s had far reaching, negative consequences, which are that you can’t see your grandchildren when you want. You don’t sound at all concerned at the actual damage you’ve done to your DIL. That poor woman. Of course she is laying and keeping careful boundaries between you. She’s guarding her mental health. You sound very harsh and critical of her. Imagine considering what you did as a ‘joke’. How heartless.

If you genuinely mean what you say, and your goal is to repair your relationship with her - not to get access to your grandchildren, there is a clear difference - then contact her by text and ask her to meet you. Maybe at a park. Go for a walk. Tell her you had never realised how awful your words and actions were, or how sharply they must have hurt her. Apologise sincerely. Ask her for forgiveness. Do not mention your grandchildren. Tell her you hope your relationship will grow and ask her to trust you not to abuse any invitation to her house. Leave it at that and let her think - don’t pressure her. It is up to her whether she lets you freely back into her life and your grandchildren’s lives.

I agree completely. I can’t imagine why anyone, grandparent or otherwise, would choose to be present for a nappy change. It’s absolutely baffling. If my daughter ever has children I sincerely hope that I won’t be expected to go with her to change nappies - I did my share of nappy changing over 30 years ago and have no desire to witness another bay being changed! 🤣

Jokes are supposed to be funny. What's funny about going to someone's home and telling them it's dusty?

I think rather than apologising you would be better to change your language and praise what she is doing.

Tell her she is doing a great job as a mum (include something specific as an example).
Empathise about how it's hard when you have a small child.
Ask if there is anything you can do to help, and accept that she might not want to accept it.
Tell her that the house looks lovely, but you don't expect it, and you hope that DS is picking up his share of the housework.

The "you've missed a bit joke" is made when the person is mid clean. And might be accompanied by the asker having foam thrown at them. and often, they haven't missed a bit (which is the "humour" of it).

Making a point of inspecting the car after the cleaning had finished some time ago and saying "you missed a bit" whilst pointing out the bit that has been missed is not funny. It's critiquing the cleaning.

I'd explain this to DS and see if he has a view on how to repair things with DIL.

Having said that, don't be surprised is your DIL still wants notice of visits even if things improve. Some people prefer that and I'm always going to be more comfortable with my parents than in laws however nice they are.

She’s overreacting about a dust joke made 4 years ago. That’s ridiculous and should have been laughed off at the time.

You are being weird about not being invited to change a nappy upstairs or do bath times. I have never invited anyone to change a nappy with me, I’m quite capable of doing it alone and don’t need an audience, and bath time isn’t an audience participation activity either.

Come on…the replies can’t be serious on here.

A comment about dust and directed at OP’s son…hardly the crime of the century. None of us would have any friend or family relationships if this is the level we expect.

Yes apologise, yes have a conversation about how visits may work and plan ahead.

it would be interesting to know the arrangements with the DiL’s mother for visits. Has she never made a misguided joke?
What does OP’s son say about his mother visiting?

Sounds like an excuse for DiL to control MiL visits.

Exactly this.

I despise people popping in and protect my space at all costs. Mother and Father in Law used to do it occasionally on a Sunday morning while husband was out. I had to entertain them waiting for him to come back on my only lie in and do sweet fa morning. Pissed me off greatly and they also did it when I was working at home and he was at work. She is rightly putting in boundaries. Damage is done.

I feel so sorry for your dil.

Yes you should apologies but don’t think that will be the end of her hurt feelings. You said it and she won’t forget it. My MIl said some really awful things to me in the first two years I knew her, including telling me I was doing things wrong with my baby/home/shopping etc. I distanced myself quite early on, thank goodness.

I’m not sure who said the following but the older I’ve got the more I believe it to be true
People tell you who they are, believe them.

How is it a "little joke"? Jokes are meant to be funny and what you said repeatedly is by no measure funny.

So if you're going to apologise do it properly and honestly. Don't try and say it was a joke or you didn't mean anything by it because you did. You were being critical and judgey and your dil knows it.

Well accept that she doesn't want you to get stuck in and isn't comfortable when you're in her home. So invite her out for coffee or walks? See if she wants to catch up. Build your relationship with her.

If someone was actively pressing to be involved in nappy changes I would be quite concerned tbh!

Otherwise OP, what everyone else said. I'm super close to my mum and she's an involved grandmother but she still doesn't pop round unannounced, it's really intrusive. You probably could and should apologise for the comments, but not to get the relationship you want, that's unrealistic and frankly a bit odd.

Of course it’s not the crime of the century. But it’s normal and logical that a woman passing judgement on the cleanliness of a home that belongs to someone else - anyone else - is not going to endear you to them. The son and DIL haven’t raised it, it’s only MIL is passing yet more judgement on the inferiority of their choices (as they concern her) relative to her DD.

People are free to choose how they live. They don’t want a “popping in” relationship with MIL. That’s perfectly normal and reasonable.