Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I wouldnt stop anyone seeing their grandchild but that doesn't sound like what DIL is doing - she's deep cleaning her house when OP visits as she has taken to heart and offhand jokey comment. I'm sure comments that have been made to you at some point in your life have made you behave differently, even though the person saying it would be mortified, we are human beings and flawed. It would have hurt my feelings too - I wouldn't not see my MIL or withhold contact but I would deep clean before they each visit like OPs DIL.

Eeek 😳 I’m not sure you’ll be able to get your DIL to forgive and forget. My MIL can be abit tactless but she would never dream of running her fingers over things and commenting on dust, jokey or otherwise.
You’ve compounded the issue by telling them how immaculate your daughters house is despite having a baby…
Why are you even talking about the cleanliness of your daughters house to your DIL?!
Even if you apologise now she won’t think it’s sincerely meant, you’ve made her feel like you’re judging her.
I always allowed my MIL to pop by whenever she wanted, same as I did my own Mum. Neither did nappy changes or bath time, they stayed for a short time and then headed off because neither wanted to outstay their welcome, they would wait to be invited to stay longer.
I would be guided by your Son, what does he think? If he thinks an apology would be a good start then go around and tell her you’re so sorry, that it was a joke that missed the mark by a mile, if he thinks to leave it then I would but I would make sure you’re not talking about your DD as some some perfect example of motherhood/cleanliness around at your Sons, because that it’s really bizarre!

Yes of course apologise…but to be honest your la gauge even in this post doesn’t scream “sorry”
”silly little joke”=minimising
“keeping me at arms length from my grandchild” it’s not all about you, and she’s doing no such thing.

My DH is close to his mum, definitely not a “son until he has a wife” sort, speaks to her everyday, sees her often. I quite like her.

I would not appreciate her (or anyone) dropping round unexpectedly. My house is my sanctuary where I don’t have to be “on” socially, unless I have plans.

I’d also find it weird that anyone, family or not, was upset they weren’t involved enough in tasks that involved my child’s genitals being on display. Why isn’t playing with baby/singing to baby/holding baby/reading to baby/chatting to baby enough to build a relationship? Why do you need to be involved in intimate moments with baby? How would you feel if your DIL decided to start following you into the toilet or walking in on your bath… they’re not spectator or group activities - let baby have some privacy and dignity.

Why on gods earth would you comment on someone’s home. It’s very nasty.
You can apologise but doubt it will
make a difference. Just keep your trap shut.
She probably doesn’t want you to do bath time as you be checking her bathroom passes your standards. Once the seed is sown hard to eradicate. I hope it doesn’t affect the relationship with your grandchild.

It was a bad joke and I would have been livid to. My mum put so much pressure on me to have a clean house whilst pregnant and after having my first it made me struggle mentally and scrub the house to exhaustion point for her visits. The pressure is immense when people do things like that. Yes you should apologise but also tell your son and DIL this was aimed at him not her. If he isnt helping he should be.

People don’t invite someone to help with nappy change, you offer to help or do it if you’re babysitting.

definitely think before making comments about the cleanliness of someone’s house. I would be like dil and be so stressed about you coming over

I cared for all five grandchildren at times. I wasn't expected to leave them in a dirty nappy.

It’s not the dust it’s the fact she made a comment and she was insensitive enough to not realise that it wasn’t funny and it could be taken as a dig (which is sounds like!)

If she makes comments like that what’s to say she’s not made lots of other comments or comparisons that are insensitive

I'm sorry you went through this.

Why should we condition ourselves to laugh off sly digs, though?

They're not funny, they're not necessary - they're just unkind.

I don’t think posters should waste their time on this DiL/MiL/GC thread, iykwim. It’s always the same weird style. Rage bait, as someone said upthread.

They can tell him, not me. I'm not their child. Maybe they do tell him, he just never bothers.

I clean before my own family arrive.

@cantthinkofagoodusername1
We don’t know about other comments do we? And I made a point of saying it’s different if comments are ongoing and undermining.If the OP has made a habit of comments that might be different.

My concern is that poster after posters is describing how mortified, horrified and hurt they would be based on one comment about dust. People - women - seem to be reacting as if this is the worst thing they can think of, the OP has been called a bitch!
Grips need to be got.

It wasn't a "joke" though. My MIL always framed things as a "joke" when she intentionally set out to hurt me.

Why is it other posters who need to get a grip, and not the OP for thinking her sly dig was necessary in the first place?

Women should not be forced into finding unkind things funny for the sake of keeping relationships going.

Ooh OP, I had a MIL who was hugely judgemental about dust/dirt, and although I'm now 61, I will NEVER FORGET the pressure I felt, to have an immaculate home, even though I worked full-time, and she never worked beyond her engagement to my FIL. It was a horrible pressure; I was always on edge, waiting for the finger-sweep...I'm afraid my sympathies are totally with you DIL.
By all means apologise, and depending on how healthy your relationship is now, something may be retrievable, but I think you rather burnt your bridges all that time ago. There is nothing more judgemental than a finger-sweep!

You were rude to her about cleaning. Its not just her job to clean its also your sons.
She is not stopping you seeing your grandchild, you see them regularly.
The dropping in whoever you want to is also rude. It is there house not yours.
Not being invited upstairs to watch a nappy change ? Your the strange one here ! Do you often watch people wiping their bums.

My advice is to write her a letter. Say you’ve become aware of comments you’ve made that you now realise were not helpful or sensitive. Apologise without justifying and ask if you can both start again. But don’t expect to go there without an invite - don’t have any expectations. She’s not your daughter it’s a completely different relationship
then when you do see her drip feed compliments and affirmation

I think you should sincerely apologise to her without offering excuses.

I don’t think you should expect a massive change in dynamic though. You might be able to drop in on your daughter unexpectedly but not everyone likes that, even with close family. I hate it and even if it’s an hour, I want notice and I want to be able to say no (and often would).

This. If ops frankly nasty comments to the dil should just be discounted..
why can’t the op just discount and ignore
people opinions?

I’m not saying don’t be offended and a bit miffed. It’s the extremity of the reactions. There is a big difference between - your bloody mother just did blah blah again - eyes are rolled, on we go. I’ve said that. I’ve gone into the kitchen and counted to 10 with my own mother. I’ve done that with my DH and both my DS. I’m sure people have done that when I’ve made mistakes.

The issue is I then breath out and LET IT GO.

All the above assuming not an abusive relationship.

Jesus, why are people so sensitive and care so much what other people think? My own mother still to this day (she’s in her 80s and I’m in my 60s) cannot get in my car without running her finger through the dust on my dashboard and has even written her name in the dust! Do I care? Absolutely not. It’s become a running joke between us.
Would I care more if it was my MIL doing it? Probably a bit, but not to the point where I’d hold it against her or limit access to her grandchildren.

Mumsnet is famously anti- MIL.

I love my MIL. I tried to put myself in OP's places and imagined sweeping her shelves for dust and commenting to her that her house needed cleaning... and even imagining it I felt like a total snidey arsehole.

Can't imagine actually doing it!

Nappy changing doesn't need 'help', and it's not a spectator sport, no idea why you would expect someone to invite you to gawp at their baby's bottom for no reason whatsoever.

And it's not a joke to run your finger along a surface in someone's house and say it's dirty. As you very well know. You wouldn't dream of doing it in any other person's house, so naturally your DIL has realised your rudeness is saved especially for her.